The Silent Struggles Of Anxiety

When I was younger, I always had trouble making friends. I was often labeled the quiet kid that kept to herself. The kid that, at recess, wandered the playground alone. I didn't speak unless spoken to and when I would, I'd stutter or talk so quietly I'd frequently be asked to repeat myself. Which always felt like I was involuntarily holding up a sign with flashing lights that read "LOOK AT ME" in big bold letters. And that didn't pair very well with the fact that I didn't like attention from people, especially people I didn't know.

Most kids were loud, rambunctious and friendly. Their thoughts didn't prevent them from asking for a turn on the swings or inserting themselves into a game that they hadn't been invited to first. They just did want they wanted to because the spotlight was their comfort zone, somewhere they enjoyed being. Or they didn't care enough to feel any way about it.

What I'm getting at is I always knew I was different. What I didn't know was that difference came in the form of an anxiety disorder.

The first time I realized anxiety was a real thing that I could feel, I was 11. Mental health disorders weren't something that was talked about much within my household, feelings were a nonexistent topic as well. But I had an aunt who rarely came to family gatherings and one day I decided to ask her why that was. To which she told me she had anxiety, she didn't like being around large groups of people. Nothing came from it but as I grew up the memory always sat in the back of my head, almost like a subtle connection.

The first time I thought I had an anxiety disorder, I was 12. Social media played a hand in this discovery. After seeing a post about anxiety titled "Do you have an Anxiety Disorder?" I went deep diving on Google researching all things anxiety. That ended up with me having some rather deep breakthroughs about myself and my mental health. Super unique, I know. ( I may have self-diagnosed at this point, whoops! )

And, the first time I received a clinical diagnosis I was 16.

You see, there were a lot of things that happened to get me to where I was, pieces to the puzzle that is my life but the point is; I was struggling, hard. My tactic of "just coping" was not helping and I needed to find a different way to help myself so I reached out to my local counseling center.

It was there that I was given the diagnosis of SAD; Social Anxiety Disorder.

And a little while later, the diagnosis of GAD; General Anxiety Disorder.

And to top it all off, I developed PD; Panic Disorder.

If you didn't already know, you can have multiple disorders at the same time. That's the fun of it. ( Note the sarcasm... )

During my time working on myself, I realized that I have struggled with anxiety pretty much my whole life and not a single adult person around me realized what was going on.

For the majority of my childhood, I was put into a box that was labeled the quiet kid and I stayed there. There were many times where I could've said something to indicate what I was going through and maybe I did, but I was not heard or seen. I was just told to, "toughen up," "to put myself out there and make friends." As if those phrases would magically help me. And maybe it should have been that easy but it wasn't, not for me.

Now I'm not saying that everybody is at fault for not realizing the silent struggles that I had. Nobody could've known, not with the lack of education we all recieve when it comes to mental health issues. What I am saying is that mental illnesses are often overlooked or written off especially when it comes to children. They are considered taboo. People scoff at the mention of it and children suffer because of that mindset. Which leads me to my next point, something that I know a lot of people need to hear.

So even if you don't think you need this reminder, I am going to give it to you.

A child's world is not always sunny. Sometimes it's rainy and sometimes it's nothing. They will grow and occasionally, they will need to stop and catch their breath. And that is okay! Your job is to build them the bridges that they don't know exist. If you see any signs that your child is having a difficult time dealing with something or is acting unusual, please find help. There are professionals for a reason and you are the child's bridge builder. They can't do that part alone.

Here are some things to look out for:

• Difficulty sleeping
• Avoiding social interactions
• Eating habit changes
• Outbursts of extreme irritability
• Difficulty concentrating
• Repetitive headaches of stomachaches
• Overwhelming and persistent sadness
• Hyperactivity
• Hurting oneself of talking about hurting oneself
• Persistent nightmares
• Excessive fears or worries
• Constantly starting fights, verbal and physical
• Drastic mood changes

It's taken me a lot of time to acknowledge that my anxiety is in a constant state of being. That I will always be in a battle with something that has always been a part of me. But I am lucky to know this and that's why I write this today. You affect change in the world, don't forget that and do better.

Thanks for reading,

N. Aeon