The Promise I Couldn't Keep

I will start off with a back story. I was raised in an very abusive household and beyond that, raised in a horrible environment including my neighborhood and my schools (Gangs, shootings, drive-bys yes even at the schools.) Growing up I've seen 3 people die in front of me, one being a fellow classmate during recess in 4th grade. Needless to say I was raised in trauma. Fast forward to moving to a small town and meeting the only person in my life I've ever been close to. My best friend/sister Daytona Hudgins.

We were best friends from 7th grade up until the day she was murdered. I have a past with self harm and suicidal thoughts and have even attempted twice. She has saved my life both times and I know I wouldn't be here if it weren't for her. She moved out of state in 2011 but we still talked every single day I'm not even kidding there wasn't a single day we went without talking to eachother. I was in a relationship with a guy and this man wouldn't let me leave the house. I couldn't get a job, couldn't have friends, couldn't see or talk to family. My only deal breaker was her. I would NOT let him keep me from her. Well she fell into addiction with heroin because of her boyfriend. He would beat her if she didn't get high with him. She had to hide her pregnancy and I was the only one that knew. In January of 2014 her best guy friend died of an overdose the night after she dropped him off at his dad's house. She blamed herself and her addiction got worse. He was also a great friend of mine. I remember telling her "It killed me after he died, But I don't even know what I would do if I lost you." I begged her to get clean I couldn't lose my best friend. 6 months later, on her way to come live with me she was strangled to death behind a cell phone store on my 19th birthday. I couldn't breathe when I found out. To this day I get hysterical thinking about her.

I never thought I would make it this far. I couldn't deal with my own trauma and my anxiety anymore. I was grieving but at the same time I was going through post partum. I had horrible depression but I HAD to be strong for my newborn baby. But my other half was no longer there. I don't wish that pain on anyone, not even the man that killed her. The way I felt was almost worse than any trauma I had ever been through. I felt so selfish for ever wanting to kill myself. I finally decided I never wanted anyone to feel the way I did after losing her, especially after it being my own decision. I promised myself I would never put that pain on someone else.

I chose the quote "When you don't want to feel, death can seem like a dream. But seeing death, really seeing it, makes dreaming about it fucking ridiculous" And I lived by that. In 2019 I had a falling out with my dad. He told me I was a piece of shit and he didn't want me anymore. It was my fault I was molested by my brother when I was 3 because I never said anything. I relapsed and tried to kill myself again. I cut so deep I needed stitches that I never went to the hospital for in fear of them taking my kids for being mentally unstable. Now I want to recover from that year and when I see the scars that messed up the most meaningful tattoo I ever had I just hate myself. I want to get my tattoo fixed with a more professional picture that represents my recovery and wanting to move on from my past. As well as being a tribute to my best friend and choosing life even when I don't feel like I want to be alive. I cut my dad off in may of 2019 and haven't spoken to him since. That was the best decision I made and should've done it a long time ago. I'll make some posts and go into depth of the trauma he put us through but that's a story for another time.

I'm so sorry Daytona for breaking the promise to myself. I'm sorry I couldn't save you. If I could trade places with you I would. But I strongly believe everything happens for a reason. Your death potentially saved other girls from being raped or murdered by that monster (Who is also dead now by the way as of July of 2020)