The Narcissist’s Prayer

That didn’t happen.

And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.

And if it was, that’s not a big deal.

and if it is, that’s not my fault.

And if it was, i didn’t mean it.

And if i did, you deserved it.

“That didn’t happen.”

The first line of the Narcissist’s Prayer is pure, unadulterated denial. It's the starting point of their defense mechanism. Did they forget your birthday? That didn’t happen. Did they make a cruel comment that left you in tears? Nope, didn’t happen. Narcissists have an uncanny ability to rewrite history to suit their narrative, and this is step one. By flat-out denying reality, they force you to second-guess yourself.

This is gaslighting in its most basic form. You know what you experienced, but when the narcissist tells you it didn’t happen, you start to wonder if maybe you’re the one who’s mistaken. Over time, this can leave you feeling like you can’t trust your own memory or judgment—a hallmark of narcissistic abuse.

“And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.”

If the narcissist can’t deny what happened, they’ll minimize it. Sure, okay, maybe I said that, but it wasn’t a big deal. They’ll downplay the seriousness of the situation, as if your feelings of hurt, anger, or betrayal are just dramatic overreactions. This is a particularly insidious tactic because it invalidates your emotional response. By making you feel like you’re overreacting, they deflect attention away from the harm they caused and back onto you.

It’s also another form of gaslighting. Suddenly, you’re left wondering if maybe you are being too sensitive. Maybe you’re making a mountain out of a molehill, and they’re just the rational one, trying to bring some perspective. But make no mistake—this isn’t about “perspective.” It’s about undermining your feelings to avoid responsibility.

“And if it was, that’s not a big deal.”

This step is all about dismissing the impact of their behavior. Okay, fine, maybe I said something hurtful, but is it really worth all this drama? It’s their way of making your pain seem trivial, as if whatever harm they caused is a minor inconvenience you should just “get over.”

What’s especially toxic about this tactic is that it frames the victim’s emotional response as disproportionate or immature. They’ll act like your hurt feelings are the real problem, not their behavior. This is where the narcissist starts to flip the script—they’re no longer the bad guy, but rather the poor soul being hounded by someone who can’t let things go.

“And if it is, that’s not my fault.”

Now we’ve moved into the classic territory of blame-shifting. Narcissists hate being held accountable, so even when they’re backed into a corner, they’ll find a way to make it someone else’s fault. Yeah, okay, maybe something did happen, but you’re the one who provoked me! Or, If you hadn’t done this, I wouldn’t have had to react that way.

This is when the narcissist becomes the victim. Whatever they did was actually a result of your actions. It’s your fault they yelled, your fault they cheated, your fault they lashed out. This shifts all the responsibility away from them and conveniently places it back onto you.

“And if it was, I didn’t mean it.”

Next comes the half-hearted “apology,” which really isn’t an apology at all. Okay, maybe I did say that terrible thing, but it was just a joke! You’re taking it too seriously. I didn’t mean to hurt you. What they’re really saying is that your feelings don’t matter because their intentions were supposedly pure.

This is how narcissists wriggle out of genuine accountability—they’ll act like their behavior was a misunderstanding, that you took it the wrong way, or that you misinterpreted their intentions. But here’s the thing: intention doesn’t negate impact. Just because someone didn’t mean to cause harm doesn’t erase the fact that they did.

But to the narcissist, intent is everything. In their mind, as long as they didn’t intend to hurt you (or claim they didn’t), they’re not responsible for the pain you’re feeling.

“And if I did, you deserved it.”

Ah, the final step in the Narcissist’s Prayer, and probably the most damaging of all. This is where they justify their bad behavior by placing the blame squarely on you. You made me do this. You brought this on yourself. The narcissist has moved from denying their actions to now justifying them, and they’ve fully flipped the script—you’re no longer the victim, but the perpetrator of your own suffering.

This is the ultimate mind game. By convincing you that you deserved their cruelty, the narcissist can maintain their sense of superiority while you’re left feeling guilty, ashamed, and questioning your own worth. It’s a brutal manipulation tactic, and one that can leave lasting emotional scars.

Why the Narcissist’s Prayer is So Toxic

The entire Narcissist’s Prayer is a blueprint for avoiding responsibility. It’s designed to protect the narcissist’s fragile ego at all costs, while leaving you confused, hurt, and, most of all, blaming yourself. Each line is a new layer of gaslighting, a new way to make you doubt your reality and question your own feelings.

And that’s the goal—control. By denying, minimizing, and shifting blame, the narcissist stays in control of the narrative. They don’t have to face the consequences of their actions because, in their mind, they’re never at fault. Meanwhile, you’re left wondering what’s real, what’s not, and whether you’re actually the problem.

But here’s the truth: you’re not the problem. The problem is the narcissist’s refusal to acknowledge their own actions, take responsibility, and offer a genuine apology. The problem is their need to constantly shift the blame and make themselves the center of every situation, even at the expense of your well-being.

Breaking Free

So, what do you do when faced with the Narcissist’s Prayer? How do you protect yourself from the constant barrage of denial, minimization, and blame-shifting?

The first step is recognizing it for what it is: manipulation. Once you see the pattern, it becomes easier to detach from it emotionally. You stop internalizing their tactics and start realizing that their behavior is not a reflection of your worth. It’s a reflection of their inability to face the truth.

Next, set boundaries. You don’t have to engage with their attempts to rewrite reality. You don’t have to explain yourself over and over again, hoping they’ll finally “get it.” They won’t. Narcissists are masters of deflection, and no amount of reasoning will make them suddenly accountable. Protect yourself by stepping back and refusing to play their game.

Lastly, lean into support—whether that’s through faith, community, or therapy. Healing from narcissistic abuse is a process, but it’s possible. The more you surround yourself with truth, love, and validation, the less power the narcissist’s prayer will have over you.

You deserve to be seen, heard, and valued for who you truly are, not for who a narcissist says you should be.

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