The Narcissist's Game
How to recognise and spot the red flags of narcissistic abuse
We've all heard the term 'narcissist.' We know that, generally speaking, the term narcissist refers to someone who is considered selfish, someone who only cares about themselves. But there is so much more to it than that. Narcissists are a whole different breed who play a game of emotional manipulation in order to lure in their unsuspecting victims. Narcissistic abuse doesn't have to be physical, but the emotional and mental abuse can be severely damaging to the victim's psyche. There are some red flags to look out for, yet even if the victim sees these flags, the narcissist has ways to use those warning signs to their advantage as well.
From my own experience, I've come to believe there are 4 stages to the Narcissist's Game. Stage One is where the narcissist begins their set up, the unpacking of the game where they lay the groundwork for the future stages. During this stage, the narcissist will gather valuable information on the victim, things like what makes the victim tick, what their weaknesses are, and any other information that may be able to be used against them later. It can also be a stage where the narcissist reveals some red flags, saying something like, "I don't normally connect with someone so quickly," which serves to make the victim feel as though they are special, unique. Another thing they may say is, "Things never last more than six months for me," or something along a similar vein. By saying this, when the victim reaches that six month mark and they are still in the picture, the narcissist can point it out, making it seem like it's a big deal, thus accentuating that feeling that the victim is someone special.
Stage Two is called the Love Bombing Phase. This is where the narcissist will literally smother their victim with loving attention. They will go out of their way for the victim, buy them gifts, shower them with compliments, introduce them to family and generally show them off. For all intents and purposes, it will appear as if the narcissist is putting the victim first and foremost. If the relationship is romantic in nature, the narcissist will drop the "I love you" early on, even after only a few weeks. Everything moves at double speed in a relationship with a narcissist. It's a technique used to get the victim caught up in a whirlwind of affection, where they throw away any precaution they'd normally take because everything just feels so good; and if it feels so good then it must be good. However, take note of the compliments they use. Compliments like, "I don't normally like curly hair but I love it on you," or a compliment with a hidden insult like, "It's nice to see someone who doesn't care about body image," are all ways to lull the victim into a false sense of security and are huge red flags to be on the look out for.
Stage Three is referred to as Gaslighting and this is where the narcissist cements the trauma bond with the victim. Gaslighting means to psychologically manipulate someone into questioning their sanity. To do this, the narcissist may begin to mistreat the victim in public situations by talking down to them, insulting them, ignoring them, all while behaving perfectly fine with everyone else, leaving the victim to question what they did wrong. Later, when they are alone and the victim questions the narcissist's behaviour, the narcissist will act like nothing was wrong, even reverting to more love bombing as if to prove that the victim has gotten it all wrong because clearly, everything is fine. This can happen privately within the relationship as well. The narcissist will do something abusive or cruel, but when the victim questions it, the narcissist will reply with things like, "No, that's not how it happened," or, "You're crazy! How could you think/believe that?" Or, they may blame the victim, stating that it's the victim's own fault that things happened the way they did. Anything that will make the victim second guess themselves is what the narcissist will throw back at them. By alternating between the love bombing and gaslighting, the narcissist is creating a trauma bond with the victim, causing the victim to start believing they are in fact crazy, and that the only person they can trust or rely on is the narcissist. This trauma bond is what makes the victim stay in the relationship well into Stage Four.
Stage Four; the Discard. This is the narcissists end game. They've had enough of their current victim and are now trying to break them completely so they can move on to someone new. There is very little, if any, love bombing in this stage. But because of the picture the narcissist painted in Stage One, the victim hangs on, hoping that the narcissist will go back to the way they used to be. The narcissist will encourage these thoughts, using excuses for their behaviour such as, "I just have a lot on my plate right now," or, "I'm just really tired," or, "I haven't got the time for this at the moment." The victim latches on to these excuses because they want to believe them. They want to believe that these excuses are the only reason for the narcissists bad behaviour and that, once the narcissist is less busy or less tired, or once they have more time, things will go back to how they were. But the narcissist has no intention of returning to how things were, and they will play with the discard phase for as long it takes until they feel ending the relationship will have the most impact on the victim. And then, they will end it. They will toss the victim aside like a piece of garbage that never mattered, leaving the victim a broken mess with shattered self-esteem who believes it's all their fault.
While these are the four main stages of the narcissist's game, there can be a Stage Five, known as the Hoover Technique. This is where the narcissist will try to make a comeback into a previous victim's life and suck them back into the game. The narcissist may try to make the victim believe that they've changed, or they may use one of the excuses they gave in the discard phase and say that the situation has changed, that they now have more time to dedicate to a relationship. The length of time a narcissist waits to attempt the Hoover Technique varies, and sometimes it can be triggered by an event. Maybe the narcissist saw something on the victim's social media accounts and decided it was time to try re-insert themselves into the picture. If the victim falls for any if these attempts and lets the narcissist back in, the game will start all over again.
And there you have it; the Narcissist's game. Another thing to watch out for if you think you may be dealing with a narcissist is a complete lack of empathy. Narcissists cannot show empathy. They just can't. They lack whatever is needed to be able to show empathy towards another human being. Other people are just hobbies for a narcissist, inferior pawns they use to feed their egos. Thankfully, after my experience, I can recognise the signs of a narcissist immediately and I'll never be fooled by one again. I want to help others be able to recognise the signs as well, because narcissistic abuse is truly horrible. There is nothing else like it. It is utterly soul destroying and can take years of therapy to heal the damage done. But you CAN come back. So please, don't give up on yourself because when you come out the other side, I can guarantee you will be so much stronger and wiser. Also, don't blame yourself for what happened. Narcissists often target sensitive, empathic people because they see these people as weak, easy prey. Chances are you were sucked into their game because you're a kind-hearted person who wants to see and believe the best in people. This is a wonderful quality to have, so don't let the experience with a narcissist take that away from you. Don't let them change the person you are, because you are amazing and beautiful and SO strong! You got this! Learn the red flags to look out for so you can protect yourself. Narcissists are good at what they do. They are conniving and clever and will do whatever is takes to reel in their victim. Like, really, WHATEVER it takes.
If you are realising you are in an abusive relationship, again, never blame yourself for that. And remember that YOU can be the one to leave. Reach out for help from friends, family, a professional, someone you can trust. There is always help available. Simply Googling "help for abusive relationships" should bring up a number of options relevant for your location. For some Australian sources, see the end of this article.
Please don't be afraid ask for help and take back control of your life. You are important, you matter and you are worthy of real love.
WHITE RIBBON: www.whiteribbon.org.au or phone 1800 737 732
LIFELINE: 13 11 14 or after 6pm texting is available to 0477 13 11 14
RELATIONSHIPS AUSTRALIA: www.relationshipsaustralia.org.au or phone 1300 364 277
About the Creator
Chanelle Joy
I love painting pictures with words, whether it be in poetry or story form, or tackling a social issue in an essay or article. So take a load off and let me entertain you!
I also take commissions. Enquire at [email protected] :)
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