The Monster Called Anxiety

I know what’s coming. Sitting on the couch struggling with my shoes, I feel him creep up behind me, his cold and clammy fingers trailing up my arms and wrapping around my throat. I start to choke on the lump that forms there, and ice suddenly seizes in my lungs, turning them into the heaviest of bricks. Slowly he pushes up against me, melting into my skin and looking up at me with bewildered eyes. It’s a ritual, really. I can’t leave the house without him. Standing up, I exhale and try to suck air in again because, to be honest, he’s heavy. I practically have to drag him as he clings to my back, his damp breath puffing against my neck. I wrap a jacket tightly around us, and I shiver under the pressure despite the extra weight. I can’t do this, I think to myself. They’ll see him, or worse, they’ll see me. Everyone’s gonna stare. I knew that because of my disability, I wouldn’t be able to escape prying eyes. I would be the main attraction in this grand circus of life, even if only for the moment. Attempting another deep breath, I hesitate at the threshold, momentarily considering kicking off my shoes and crawling back into bed. I know I can’t as I need to go grocery shopping, but the thought is nice. Sighing, I make sure he is hidden well before opening my door and stepping out into the blinding sunlight.

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Sitting in the passenger’s seat, I fiddle with my thumbs and clean my glasses to distract myself from the fingers constricted around my neck. I wish I could just stay in the car. With that thought, I look over at my friend Kaelee who was gracious enough to let me hitch a ride because I don’t drive. She glances at me, recognition forming in her eyes. She sees him.

“Want me to put the radio on?” she turns the knobs to a pop station, cranking the volume all the way up. For a moment, I can forget about the constricting weight pulling at me, focusing on the meaningless lyrics that fill me with temporary relief. His grip loosens around my throat, and I take a deep breath. “Better?” she keeps her eyes on the road, but I know she can sense my relaxation.

“A bit, yeah.” I tap my fingers on the center console, keeping beat with the song and relishing in the moment. A few minutes later while looking ahead, I could see the grocery store in the distance. Slowly, his fingers tighten again, pushing my windpipe closed. Just let me go, I plead with him in my head, but of course, he doesn’t. Eventually, we approach the parking lot and I concentrate on the steady click, click of her blinkers as she turns into each parking row and searches for an open disabled parking spot. Fumbling in my bag, I find my plaque and hang it on the rear-view mirror as she pulls in. “You ready?” she asks, turning to me and looking me in the eye.

“Ready as I’ll ever be, I guess.” I flash a nervous grin, determined to fake it enough so that she doesn’t have to worry. “Let’s do this.” I step out of the car, steadying my feet and wrapping my jacket tightly around my torso. As I walk towards the store through the parking lot, I keep my eyes straight ahead. Despite this, I notice people of all ages begin to stare at my uneven, seemingly drunken gait as I pass. He whispers in my ear, what are they thinking of you? Do they think you’re drunk? Maybe you should’ve stayed home. His grip begins to choke me, and it’s all I can do to hold my breath and push forward. Kaelee strides beside me, smiling big at anyone who dares stare for a bit too long, just so they know she sees.

We step into the store, and immediately the air conditioning hits me like a godsend. He wavers on my back a bit, providing a moment of solace. I feel cool and light as the smell of earthy fresh produce fills my nose, and I grab a cart and head in with Kaelee. Once inside, I notice a group of rowdy teenagers hanging out near the self-checkout, hollering at unsuspecting shoppers. I cautiously head in the opposite direction, my eyes focused on the aisles ahead of me. Kaelee heads off to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription and I quickly begin to toss things I need into the cart. I pass a few patrons who take a bit too much interest in me and I smile, but they quickly look down as if they are a toddler who has been caught stealing candy. They don’t want to be around you, he hisses into my ear. You’re a nuisance. They hate you. I keep my head down and move forward, being quick to grab what I need while steadying my breath as best as I can. Just as my pounding heart begins to calm, I hear a giggle behind me. Whipping around, I see the group of teenagers from before trailing behind me with their phones out recording. Noticing that they’ve been caught, they burst out into laughter and run in the opposite direction, hooting, and hollering to each other about how hilarious it was. I feel my face begin to crawl with heat and my hands go numb. I cannot breathe now, as he cackles in my ear saying I told you so’s. A ringing in my ears begins as what little breath I can get in is stifled by the clinging beast on my back. He kicks my ribs, and it takes everything I have not to fall down and curl up in the middle of the cereal aisle. You’re weak, he barks. Pathetic. A shell of disappointment.

Just as I was about to give into him, I saw Kaelee bounding around the corner. Noticing my state and the teenagers running in the other direction, she immediately approaches and wraps me in a hug. For just a moment, the beast is gone. “Go to the car” she whispers. “I’ve got your stuff.” she motions to my cart.

“Thank you so much” I manage to squeak out. “I just don’t want to be a burden….” She hushes me.

“I know. It’s not your fault.” She smiles at me with understanding as I hand her my list and cash. “See you out there.”

To be honest, I can’t remember much about the walk to the car, it was a blur. Once inside, I breathed a sigh of relief, the weight of him gone now that it was over. I felt safe enough to let my guard down. I was exhausted and ashamed. Why couldn’t I handle life like others with strength? It would be so much easier without living with the monster called Anxiety.