The Long and Lonely Road

Typically distinguishable landmarks blurred together, whizzing past my windshield as tears blinded my vision. The hum of the road and the rumble of my engine under my white knuckles tetherd me to the present. I was heartbroken and headed to a place I hoped to find familiarity and safety. Images of my confessing ex flashed in my mind’s eye, her attempts at rationalizing her actions echoing in my ears. I knew we had started to grow apart. I had attributed the growing distance between us to her crazy school schedule. She had been so dedicated and studious. I planned to make lots of alone time for us when she graduated, and even began to plant seeds of hope for a future together. I was stunned, frozen to my spot when she finally admitted she went to a strip club and got physical with a classmate. She tried to blame being intoxicated and she couldn’t “really quite remember” what happened, but I could see through her web of lies as it was being spun. After she left for work, I grabbed my keys and left in search of a shoulder. I badly needed one to cry on.

Traffic flew by as I sped towards my father’s house. I kept reassuring myself this was the right decision as uncertainty ate away at me. This had to be a horrible dream. I would wake up and all of this would disappear. I had grown up under a rock and was slapped by real life at age eighteen. That’s when I began making my own choices, but I was still fearful of his reaction, still afraid of disappointing him. He was the only immediate family who lived nearby. Still, I hoped to lean on the familial bond and a father’s love for his daughter. The tears fell freely as the gravel driveway crunched under my wheels. I have no idea how long I wept in my car until my father pulled me into a polite, sideways hug. He informed me he was almost done tinkering with his car, and I understood our conversation would start outdoors. I didn’t mind, since I felt like talking indoors would be too stifling.

A pall of silence fell over us after I laid bare my raw, shorn soul. I waited anxiously for his words, unaware I had placed hope in him as my champion. I had not revealed anything about my first female partner to him for a long time. His spiritual beliefs isolated him from his children, and I hadn’t felt comfortable broaching the subject. I yearned for paternal comfort, wanting to feel protected and safe like when I was a child. He continued fiddling with his car without so much as a glance upwards before condescendingly asking, “Are you done trying to date girls now?” An emotional atomic bomb exploded in my heart, its shock wave ravaging my entire being. I paused, processing the turmoil within me caused by his words, temporarily ignoring my pained wails for justice.

I turned slowly towards him asking him to repeat his question. With the same condescending tone, “Are you done trying to date girls now?” I crumbled inwardly into an abyss of loss and disbelief, my spirit dying in a wasteland decimated by unimaginable horrors. I had become good friends with loneliness over the year prior, as I battled COVID a second time by myself. Her cruel, parting words rang in my head constantly while I was hospitalized both times, and her abandonment was the river source of hot tears I cried during the two weeks I fought off the infection alone. “I can’t believe you would say that to me. I reached out to you while I was in great pain. That is NOT the right thing to say.” I don’t remember what else was said. I focused on keeping what little composure I had left as I looked for any reason to clear out as fast as possible.

After I arrived back at the place where I cohabitated with my unfaithful partner, I released my pent up anger and sorrow. Snot and tears streamed down my face as I squeezed what comfort I could out of my pillows, those cursed memories playing on repeat. She graduated on Friday and let me know she and her friends were going to a bar to celebrate before coming home. Her best friend texted me later concerning my ex. She was too drunk to drive and her mom was picking her up. Her teacher and a few classmates would keep an eye on her until her mom arrived, which soothed my worried mind. But after midnight, her classmates Snapchatted me from a strip club. How could she do this to me? How could he do this to me? I had put my trust in these two humans and they had both spat back in my face.

Curled up with my fur babies, I swore to myself he would never disrespect me like that ever again. How he treated me was appalling, and our biological connection was not going to change my decision. And as for my ex, her actions and interest in rationalizing what she had done disgusted me. I then formed a resolution in my heart: I have value as a human and am worthy of protection, love, and safety. No matter what happens, no matter who it is, I will demand to be treated as I deserve. I now have a very safe relationship where I know I am loved. He strives to tell me and show me how much I mean to him daily. I have a good job and I utilize self care regularly. I no longer have any contact with the person who believes himself to be my father figure. I was able to escape my ex, and have taken measures to protect as much of my privacy as I can. It took me years to remove people from my life who don’t have my best interests at heart, but I can promise you it was worth it. Remember: you ARE worth it.