The Illusion of Perfection

‘Perfectionism is not a quest for the best. It is a pursuit of the worst in ourselves, the part that tells us that nothing we do will ever be good enough — that we should try again.’ — Julie Cameron

As I reached midlife, I hadn’t realized how much I had depended on my looks as my only credible sense of identity. I was more than often told I was a mistake as a child by my father, as well as physically and emotionally abandoned by him. I had little to zero self-worth.

As I blossomed nearer to being a woman, I started to attract a lot more attention (although not all of it was honourable). I was even shocked to be given compliments about looking like a movie star and told many times I should be a model. And I did get as far as a casting, they adored me, but I bolted. The trouble was I didn’t believe a word of any of it deep down, and wouldn’t for decades to come.

Nonetheless, over time I put my only value on how attractive and slim I could try and be on the outside, being that on the inside — I carried around a sense of ugliness that was formed from childhood.

Later on in life, I endured chronic unexplained health issues, as well as a tempestuous and hurtful relationship, which over the years — intensified those childhood wounds.

My face started to look downcast and radically changed. I became aware that my edgy energy had been sucked out of me. I felt reminded of the time when I was pregnant, when a wall had gone up and I became invisible.

I hadn’t seen how I had been covering up my sense of self-hate behind my looks for most of my life. And the saddest consequence of this sabotage was that I had no idea there was an unknown and unmet part of me, hidden behind that façade.

Serendipitously, I met a talented therapist a little after this huge realization in my life, and through a year of regular sessions, he was able to diagnose my codependency, a maladaptive coping technique that’s rooted in a dysfunctional upbringing.

Shocked and taken aback, the more I dug deeper, the more insight followed. I was able to unveil perfectionism lurking behind another layer of my many coping mechanisms. Perfectionism is a false sense of control and an avoidance mechanism.

Perfectionism generally develops from being highly criticized, invalidated, and neglected as a child. I remember being smacked, punished, and criticized most days. My mother would relentlessly tell me I wasn’t doing my chores the right way, and my father — openly ashamed of me — would say negative things about me, like telling me, as a fourteen-year-old, I was too large and had unattractive facial features, and big hands. I wasn’t big at all, and those hands went on to draw, create, and heal many through my art and intuitive massage.

Attempting to reach perfection was also a shield against the internal shame I was drowning in. I hid behind perfectionism to avoid any feelings of perceived failure and judgment, and unknowingly, my true self. That part of me had been buried.

For our true selves to emerge as children, we need to be made to feel safe and nurtured. If a child is only loved through conditions and shaming, they’ll develop a sense of never feeling good enough, deep from the core. This is where false identities and avoidance mechanisms are formed.

I always believed I needed to be beautiful and slim in order to be loved and accepted, even though I didn’t accept myself. I hid from my unbearable flaws and projected them onto others. If I made failures or mistakes, it confirmed my worthlessness. When I became overweight at certain times in my life, I felt ugly and bad. In my mind, I would imagine being slim (and believed), that when I reached that size once again, every — good — thing would fall into place; even though that has never happened when I am slim.

When I achieved accomplishments and accolades, the joy was short-lived. I held a chronic state of negativity that even a big win couldn’t hold off. I wasn’t good enough because I was always reaching for perfection.

My perfectionism was not only self-oriented but also other-oriented. I was setting myself extremely high expectations as well as unknowingly projecting that onto others.

Perfectionism is an illusion and a form of control. It is associated with appearing to be successful, whether that is physically, materialistically, or with achievements and accolades; however, it is a personality trait, striving for flawlessness, which heightens self-criticism and severe criticism of others.

This chronic pursuit of trying to be flawless is only ever met with frustration and feelings of low self-worth, depression, and anxiety.

Now, having reached an understanding of what was going on for me over those years, I have started to adopt a self-compassionate dialogue with myself and mindfully encourage self-acceptance by acknowledging who I am, warts and all. I am good!

Having insight into what is driving our anxieties can mean a need to dig deeper.

If you find you relate to what I have shared, then please do consider finding a therapy that will help you unpack your psychological layers. It doesn’t always have to originate from an upbringing — it may just go back to isolated incidents or perhaps a bad relationship.

Life is short, and you deserve to feel free and good about who you are, flaws and all!

When you grieve toxic, abusive parents, you don’t just grieve the abuse, you grieve everything you didn’t have — Lily Hope Lucario

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