The Grit Behind the Glory

Bodybuilding is a misunderstood sport. Most outsiders see it as a weak, ego-driven play to gain power and control as a countermeasure to insecurities realized through childhood trauma, bullying, and feelings of unworthiness. Those that do support the sport often idealize and sexualize the athletes. Having been a competitive bodybuilder for 23 years and an IFBB pro for 9 years, I’ve experienced the full spectrum of every stereotype, assumption, and fetish.

Behind the Physique: Why I Chose Bodybuilding

What drew me into bodybuilding was quite simple. After graduating high school and no longer participating in group or individual sports, I felt a void in challenging myself both physically and mentally. I loved the competitive aspects of sport, but the main draw for me was how sport challenged me to grow. The grit, perseverance and self-awareness that comes from competing in high-level sports is hard to match in other pursuits – at least in my experience.

I began training recreationally in 1999 while serving in the Army, stationed in South Korea. A fellow soldier needed a workout buddy, and he recruited me with a promise he’d turn me into a “hardbody.” I was new in country and had no friends yet, so I took him up on his offer. Within a few weeks, I knew everything about setting up a split-style training program and selecting foods for fuel and recovery. After my partner returned to the states, I wavered between partying at the clubs and adhering to a bodybuilding program. Eventually, I got the partying out of my system and decided to commit to the sport and set my sights on entering a competition when I returned to the US.

My First Competition: Humble Beginnings on Low Expectations

2003 was the year. I signed up for a small, local bodybuilding competition in Alexandria, Virginia - the NPC Tournament of Champions. I entered the figure category, which is a division awarding less muscular development and more natural, fluid posing than traditional women’s bodybuilding. Social media didn’t exist, so I had to piece together training programs and diets from sources like Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Encyclopedia of Bodybuilding, the Muscle Meals cookbook by John Romano, and various message boards on bodybuilding websites. But 8 weeks later, I was ready to step on stage, and I did it. I wasn’t spectacular by any means. My self-tan was splotchy and way too light for the bright stage lights. My self-applied makeup was more like an attempt at a Halloween costume rather than celebrity-style glam. And my posing was awkward, with flared fingers and rigid movements. Still, I walked away with a 3rd place trophy and a hunger for more. Back then, there weren’t any catch phrases or hashtags like “road to pro” or “fitness journey” that everyone likes to document on social media today. But, that’s basically what it was – the start of my IFBB Pro journey. Quiet, driven, and unpublished.

The Long Road to Becoming an IFBB Pro

By 2004, I expanded to the fitness division as well as figure, and I won first places in several local and regional shows. And thankfully, I learned how to apply my tan, find a custom suit designer, and look much less like a clown. In 2005, I entered and won my first national competition - the NPC Junior USA Championship - and placed 3rd in my first pro-qualifying event. My confidence and ego were sky-high, so it was a major blow when it would take me another 12 years to finally earn my professional athlete status.

During those 12 years, I had many personal setbacks. I came so close to tasting success and believing it was right around the corner, yet in 2006, my placing plummeted to the bottom and would stay there for years. I had to take agency and realize up to this point I’d mostly reached my success through a combination of luck and lean competition. I had to dig into my training with a higher level of commitment, and that started with taking ownership of my weaknesses and committing to becoming better. My fitness routine performance was quite horrendous – choppy, broken transitions, sloppy feet movements, and strength moves that didn’t show much difficulty.

Try as I might, I only made small improvements. But after I had my second child in 2012, I was committed to my goal of turning pro. I taught myself how to perform handstands, calisthenics and hand-balancing moves by following tutorials from GMB Fitness, I connected moves for greater difficulty, I used a professional choreographer, and I themed my routine. Finally, in 2017, I was named the NPC National Fitness Overall Champion and was given my IFBB pro card status.

I’d go on to compete for 9 more years as an IFBB pro, winning several competitions and culminating a 20-year career at the prestigious Master’s Olympia World Championship in Cluj, Romania in 2023.

When Life Doesn’t Care That You’re in Prep

That’s the timeline-based story, but what that story doesn’t tell is the mental struggle, the doubts, the pushing past physical comfort, the rewiring my mindset to a Chris Bumstead-coined "champion mentality" - all while dealing with family problems including my firstborn son’s autism diagnosis, fights with my partner, and struggling with my personal faith and belief systems.

I don’t share this for praise. I share it because for a lot of people in this sport – this process of struggle is what makes us fall in love with bodybuilding. Life doesn’t care if you have a competition approaching – you’re not immune to any of the challenges anyone else must experience. Major illnesses, vehicle breakdowns, family fights, stress and anxiety – they’re all present, and escalated because they all have a direct, negative impact on how prepared you are for a competition.

Learning Power Through Philosophy and Surrender

It was during this time that I dove deep into philosophy and spiritual practices as a way of life management. I was first drawn to stoicism to overcome my performance anxiety and help with emotional regulation, and I was influenced strongly by Ryan Holiday and Steven Pressfield. I learned to identify and mitigate future risk and do my due diligence in predictive analysis management – always prepared with a backup option for training, meals, rest and recovery – no matter what life threw at me.

After years of bracing myself against loss, failure, and unpredictability - in sport and in life - I realized something: I had to start learning the art of surrender. No matter how prepared you are, sometimes things happen that you just can’t prevent or recover from. And when you tighten your grip and drive your feet into the ground in defiance, it doesn’t help the situation. Ironically, letting go usually allows everything to flow freely. Sure, unpleasant events still happened. But without the overreaction and doubling down, my mind and energy were freer to allow progress to continue. This is where I first learned the balance between efforting and accepting, and when to pull back on certain things while allowing other things. As Eckhart Tolle says, "Sometimes surrender means giving up trying to understand and becoming comfortable with not knowing."

Facing Judgment: Self-Worth on a Stage

I can’t talk about competitive bodybuilding without sharing how it can affect an athlete’s self-worth. Now let me just say this: there are a lot of experiences in life that affect a person’s worth. Those experiences shine a light on our darkness and help us grow. But many people don’t want that darkness revealed. They don’t want to feel shame or guilt or wrestle with the true source behind those feelings. But facing those moments that expose your deepest insecurities should not be avoided; rather, they should be used to help develop self-awareness, realize your true source of worthiness, learn what influences are helpful versus harmful, and set standards and boundaries.

It can be a degrading experience for some people to put their heart and soul into their physical transformation, put it all on display – nearly naked – in front of a panel of judges and hundreds of onlookers, and not be told “great job.” It’s the first taste of constructive criticism, and it’s difficult for some people to separate helpful feedback from personal judgment. That first experience breaks some people, and they never return to the sport. But for those that truly want to grow in the sport and in their mindset, they take that feedback and take ownership. It fuels their passion and work ethic even more, and unlike a lot of life pursuits, bodybuilding yields tangible, visible results rather quickly – only helping to snowball the process.

The Imposter Syndrome Not Many Talk About

Here’s another mental blow about being a bodybuilder: the higher you climb in the sport, the more you feel imposter syndrome. Having success at a small show fuels you, but when the stakes continue to rise, it’s quite common to feel like you don’t fully belong and you’re just faking it till you make it. But that’s the great challenge of continuing: you learn to keep pressing forward into those uncomfortable areas and earning your right to be there. And the beauty of sticking it out through all that mess and ugliness is the trophy of self-growth that can never be taken away. You’ll apply that new mindset to everything else you pursue in life - with proof you can achieve it.

Why Passion Must Come Before Discipline

I’m certainly not recommending everyone enter a bodybuilding competition. But I think I’ve proven my main point: by not turning away from your toughest challenges, you will become the person you’ve always wanted to be. I used to cling to words of discipline-driven leaders like Jocko Willink. I also questioned why some people had such a difficult time disciplining themselves to do certain things, while for me, it came rather easily. And then I learned: there must be passion behind a pursuit to have the will and want to discipline yourself to stick it out. So, whatever you pursue, make sure it’s something that resonates strongly. If you don’t yet have a dream or a passion project, you just have to get out there and try as many things as possible to find out. As Marie Forleo says, “Clarity comes from action, not thought.”