The Girl I Was

The girl I was didn't know how to say no. Instead, she was piled high with the burden of others' health, well-being, and righteousness. She wore clothes that covered every part of her body—a body that felt more like an enemy than a home. She saved herself for marriage. She married the right man. She smiled and nurtured and fed and loved until she was hollowed out.

She woke up to a nightmare. An angry, drunk man in her bed. A baby in the next room. A church that knew nothing, did nothing, saw nothing. She was angry at the bitter realization that doing everything right still left her empty and unloved. God, she wanted to be loved.

She woke up to herself and left, but not before being reduced to an echo of the wild child she'd once been. But when she moved, she flowed like water. Just a trickle at first, unstoppable. Then a summer storm. Finally, a rushing stream. Cold and swift and strong, smoothing out the obstacles in her way.

She woke up to the life she wanted. She finished grad school. She wrote a book. She went to therapy and worked and poured her life into the small child that had chosen her as mother. She pushed herself up every time she fell. She left the cult that worked so hard to keep her broken and needy.

She woke up to a new day even when she didn't want to. She was angry with herself for getting married, for wanting love, for staying too long, for listening to everyone but herself. She hated the shell of a person she'd let herself become, the girl who let herself be abused and abandoned. She carried this burden for years, grinding her teeth at her own weakness and stupidity.

Then she woke up a woman, bigger inside, more expansive than she'd known herself to be. She breathed in a new life and exhaled the soot that lined her lungs. She beheld the girl she once was and no longer felt the cold resentment in her bones. Instead, she took the girl's face in her hands and said thank you.

Thank you for always doing your best.

Thank you for taking every failure as an opportunity to learn and grow and be better in whatever way you could.

Thank you for loving yourself enough to do what had to be done.

Thank you, beautiful girl, for giving everything you had for me.