The End

I sat at the edge, the guard rail behind me, looking down at the deep murky waters far below.

This was it. The day I finally do what I came here to do. The day I end it. End myself.

Life is meaningless. My existence serves no purpose. The world would be better off without me in it. After all, what have I done to deserve a place here? I have done nothing. I am nobody. There is nothing more to see. Nothing more to do. Nothing to be.

I look off to the horizon, the window lights of the tall city skyscrapers twinkling like stars in the reachable distance.

What were they doing over there? Working late nights to make enough to keep food on the table? Or did they not want to go home to an irritable husband or wife? Did their children miss them? Perhaps they were just workaholics? Or maybe they had become like robots, never questioning why they do what they do anymore.

It didn’t matter. Nothing did. Today was the day I was going to do it. Put an end to the miserable repetitious days that flowed from one to another, a never-ending wave of dissatisfaction. The end was in sight. The end of my misery. It didn’t matter where I went after this, as long as it wasn’t here. As long as I could be free from this. I needed to be free. I could not be free here. The void inside me grew until nothing could fill it anymore. The void was so large, it threatened to burst within me and consume all that I thought was me.

Today was the day the void would take me. Take me to a place far away from here. Here was where I didn’t want to be. Being here made me feel incomplete. I will be complete once I end it.

I stood from where I sat and looked down below, the waves restless like my soul. A few passersby glanced my way but quickly scurried out of sight. Out of sight, out of mind, they say. I was in no one’s mind and it was better this way.

I lifted a foot off the edge, hovering it above the cold waters, teasing it, testing my confidence. A gust of wind brushed up against me, instantly reminding me that my body was still warm. I could put an end to that warmth with one step. I could think of nothing but ending it, ending my misery; the thoughts willing me closer to the edge. I made up my mind before I got here. Nothing is holding me back. Now was the time to follow through with my escape plan. I leaned closer to the river, beckoning it to release me.

Bending my knees, I prepared myself to jump. Letting go will be all too easy. This is it. Closing my eyes, I launched myself up and over. I felt the air growing between me and the ledge. I felt myself pulling forward, gravity helping to pull me down to my watery grave. This is the end. I am free.

I waited for the feel of the descent, but it did not come. I waited for my body to hit the water, but the water did not greet me. I had stopped falling forward. I opened my eyes.

I did not feel the strong hands as they gripped my arms tightly. I did not feel the old man tugging me back towards the road. I felt I had already left my body, yet I remained.

Breathless, the man, with his unkempt beard and tousled overgrown graying hair, knocked me downwards towards the freezing, ice-cold pavement. Panting, he looked at me with moisture in his eyes and said, “You damn near gave me a heart attack, kid!”

Eyes bewildered, I could not process what had just happened.

“Now why would you go and do something silly like that!?” He yelled, as if scolding his own child.

I stared, unblinkingly, at the man. I could not respond. My heart races in my chest, anxiety setting in.

“Listen here, kid! There’s more to life than what you can see right now. I learned that the hard way. Twenty years ago, I threw away all that I had because I wanted to make my pain disappear. I wanted to feel good about myself. Did drugs. Drank myself silly. Lost my family. My home. If I could turn back time, I’d do things differently.”

He then looked me straight in the eyes, his bushy brows concealing the depth of his eyes. “You don’t want to die, kid. You just want to live differently. So, go do it.” He then patted my shoulder, stood up, and walked over to a shopping cart he had unnoticeably parked near where I had been. He pulled out a shopping bag, untied it, and checked its contents. Satisfied with what he had found, he walked back over to me with the bag in tow.

“Here. You need this more than me.” He grabbed my hand, turned it over, and plopped the bag into it. He then turned around, walked back to his cart, and started slowly pushing it down the road in the opposite direction.

I opened the bag and looked inside. Tears began to sting my eyes. The void inside me had ruptured, releasing a wave of emotions that flushed over me, drowning me.

The man had given me hope.