The Bookmark

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

This is fun, this makes you happy. Relax and remember that.

Breathe in.

Cut the paper down to size, a perfect rectangle.

No, not perfect. You don’t have to do that. No one is forcing you to chase perfection anymore. You chase freedom. You chase happiness.

Breathe out.

Oh shit. It’s been so long since you’ve had this freedom, it’s almost overwhelming. Oh no, what’s something that’s happy? What makes you happy? Shit. Let's start with a happy color. But all of the colors make you happy in different ways. A rainbow? Yes, that’s good. A rainbow.

Just breathe, no one’s judging you.

Red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet. You can do this.

Breathe in.

Dip the brush in water, wet the paper.

Breathe out.

In the water again, now wet the paint.

Breathe in.

Not too much, dab a little off. Finally the brush can touch the paper.

Breathe out. Breathe out all of your tension, all of your negative thoughts. Feel it all melt away as the colors melt across the page.

Finally, you can relax. Finally, you can let yourself start to feel happiness.

Should you cut it again? Yes, but not too much. Outline the organic shape created by the edge of the paint on the creamy paper. Beautiful in its natural state, perfect in its imperfections.

Look at your creation. You made that and it’s beautiful.

It’s not easy to follow the anxiety riddled brain, it’s even harder to live in it. Most people will only see a simple bookmark, but it’s really so much more. All too often we lose ourselves as we grow older. We get caught up in school, work, and relationships. We get so overwhelmed by expectations that we ultimately dim our own light and dull our own shine. We forget how to be ourselves, forget what makes us happy. We forget how to breathe and enjoy being in our own skin. For me this project brought me joy not only because of the colors and intentions behind it, but because it was the first step back to finding myself. For so many years I felt like I had to be perfect. I had to make perfect grades to get into the perfect school, land the perfect job, dress and act a certain way to keep the perfect boyfriend. Turns out I was wrong. None of that really existed.

I couldn’t make perfect grades, turns out my county school education was no match for college curriculum. I was fired from the perfect job. It didn’t matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t hack it in public accounting. I left the perfect boyfriend, that version of love is just abuse. I went on to make even more mistakes and endured hardships I thought unfathomable. In the end I was stripped bare. I had nothing but myself left and I had to get to know this girl. Not just get to know this girl, but learn to love this girl. I turned towards my paints. Starting a full scale painting was intimidating, I could not get out from underneath my anxiety. The pressure I was putting on myself was all consuming, but starting with something small and personal felt safe. It took the self-imposed pressure off. It gave me the confidence to be bad at something so I could work towards being good at it. It showed me that it didn’t matter what my starting point was, I am always capable of growth.

The world sees a bookmark, I see a new beginning. The beginning of recovery. The beginning of self love. The beginning of finally allowing myself to feel freedom. The freedom to express myself. The freedom to breathe. The freedom to feel happiness.

The world sees a simple bookmark, I see so much more.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Smile.