The Best Years of My Life, Spent Lonely

When I stepped foot into the new halls I was to call home for the next five years, leaving my old friends and old school behind me, I promised nothing would stand in my way this time. I was a new me, new hair, new confidence - I could be anything I wanted because none of these people knew me yet.

But all those dreams came crashing down as soon as I took a seat in my designated area among a sea of other thirteen year olds.

I felt my voice shrink down to a whisper as everyone seemed to chatter loudly around me like they already knew each other. Perhaps they'd all moved here in year 7 instead of 8 like me? Maybe I was the only newbie? What if they'd all formed groups already? Did they think my new haircut was weird? How do I find which group to join? Or rather, which group was I to be invited into based on where people believed I belonged?

When you're in high school and you don't feel like you belong, it's lonely. Really lonely. It can make you feel like if you don't fit in here, you won't fit in anywhere. That you'll be destined to be alone, forever.

I spent most of my time in high school suffocated by social anxiety. I was so shy I couldn't even say 'hi' to people who said 'hi' first. I never felt the freedom to truely be myself like the way I was at home, the way my family and I could laugh and joke around in silly ways.

Here, I felt like whenever I gained the courage to start to be myself, I would be stared at like I was crazy. One time I managed to start a conversation with someone I hadn't spoken to only for them to reply with, "You're so quiet". I shrivelled back to the shy person I was expected to be.

I found my way into a group of friends. I felt safe sitting down to lunch with them, hanging out in classes, laughing at things here and there together. But yet, I still didn't feel whole. I still didn't feel 100 percent me. And the times I did start to feel my complete self with people, it didn't seem like they felt the same way. They called me their friend, but never their 'best friend'.

Year 10, fifteen years old, hit me the hardest. With the only person I could consider my 'best friend' away on a school camp and my classes for the year a complete lonely mess (I'd somehow been merged into classes with all the 'popular' kids and none of my acquaintances), I felt more alone that ever. To top it all off, my father had announced he wanted us to move country from Australia all the way to India, no questions asked. The little things I faced daily in school, piled themselves up on top of all the other changes. I felt no strength to go on anymore. I didn't see the point. Depression followed me for two weeks. For one of those weeks, I'd go to school, come home, go into my room, shut the door and cry. Day after day. I was always close to my mother but I couldn't even manage to tell her what I was feeling. In the prescence of other people I felt nothing. My mum got annoyed at me for having at 'attitude'.

It was like the loneliness and feeling of not belonging at school had followed me home. And that hurt more than anything.

Feeling hopeless, I prayed a desperate plea for help and somehow, I made it out.

I think what helped me through, was that this year also happened to be the year I found my passion. Film. I hadn't been able to study it when I first started high school as all classes were full, but this year I got the opportunity. Maybe I couldn't connect to the people that surrounded me but I felt completely connected to this class. I learnt how films were created and about writing and directing. I was introduced to a whole scope of Independant cinema that I never knew existed before. I watched films based on true stories, of struggle and triumph. I'd found a way to channel the pain I was feeling into an art from that I loved. And it kept growing to the point I gained the confidence to join Drama class the next year.

The first time I stepped out on stage, I felt more confident and comforted than I ever had. Who would have thought this shy, anxious girl who couldn't even say hello to anyone would grow up to be an Actor?

As hard as it can be to find your place in high school and as much as people say they are 'the best years of your life', you will find better days. You have your entire life ahead of you.

If you're still surviving high school, finding your passion can help you make it through. Even finding a few things you're passionate about and trying them out can help. At 16 I found acting but I also turned to writing more than I had before. Writing helped me heal, it took all the pain I was feeling and transferred them to paper (or rather, a word document). I even found a writing site where I could be myself and share the stories I wanted without fear of being judged because there was always someone out there, even on the other side of the world, who felt the same.

If you're yet to find your passion then I still encourage you to keep going because once high school ends, you can go out there and really find your people. When I walked into college and beyond, I found others just like me. The ones who didn't fit in anywhere during high school. The drifters, the loners, the other film obsessed ones. People I could be my compelte self around, that I could laugh and joke around with, speak to without judgement.

No matter how alone you may feel in high school and how much you might feel like an outsider, know that once you leave, it can't hold you back any longer. You can be anything, go anywhere and dress any way. High school is merely a few years in your entire life.

Eventually, you'll find your way to others just like you, feeling exactly how you feel right now.

They exist, and you're not alone.