That Shaky kind of Frustration

It happens suddenly. sometimes gradually but unnoticed. You think you're having a simple conversation. You are sure it's heading in a tame and safe direction. But at some point, someone has said something wrong. "Was it me? was it them? did they interpret what I meant incorrectly?" you think. And then you notice how you feel inside. It's shaky. Unstable. You try to stand your ground and say how you feel in the kindest way you know how. But even this offends them too.

And then your brain starts to do just what their's is doing. The combination of defensive tension, anxiety, and confusion alchemize into a torrent of hateful and quick-witted insults. Everything they say about you, you could throw right back at them and just as hard. Just as brutal. The only way for them to understand how they are making you feel is by making them feel it back.

This is not an ideal situation. But fighting the urge to retaliate is real. It happens. It's very difficult to control in the moment. But what can we do. After all, we are supposed to stand up for ourselves, no? We shouldn't have to take punishment that we don't deserve, right? And if they are going to be so clearly rude, so unapologetically unfair, then why not us too?

Well, some would say it's about taking the high ground. Others would say it's about turning the other cheek. We may even think that we are "better" than that. But I'm convinced it doesn't have to be any of those. I'm convinced that it can be something that helps us grow for ourselves, regardless of whether they see the benefit or not.

We are emotional creatures. We have defense mechanisims built into us that are most of the time, not entirely in our control. And that's really what gets us into situations like this in the first place. It's not our fault, and it's not even theirs, that from time to time our minds decide to put up our defenses. And sometimes that defense turns into offense, by means of harsh words, crude evaluations, and weapons in the form of words.

I think it's important to be aware of how we react to our emotional reactions in those situations. We can do this by relaxing into the discomfort. By taking that breath. Taking that moment, that extra second. You don't need to respond right away, you don't need to tag them back. You can learn to take that pain and transmute it into peace. Evaluate the situation and realize the most likely truth. The reason they are talking to you this way doesn't really matter. It's more than likely they are feeling the exact same cascade of discomfort as you. And they are handling it in a very understandable and normal way. Why do you understand this? Because your about 1 insult away from treating them the very same.

Now here is the great part about not reacting, and not taking that action. You are giving yourself space in a tense moment, and building your threshold for discomfort. And in doing so you are remaining in control of your part of the situation. That is all you need to do and it can be transformational. And more than all of that, when the confrontation ends, you are going to feel a lot better about yourself, because you didn't try to make your recent adversary feel bad.

It's easy to lose control. To spill our mind all over a verbal attacker and let them feel our point of view. But it doesn't help. It doesn't evoke a healthy type of growth. It's just toxicity begetting toxicity. Whereas that quiet place amidst the storm. That ability to not take retaliatory action. That's some real strength, that's some healthy growth. That's finding inner peace.