Where Nature and City Collided

My last letter.

It’s spring now. The weeds have overgrown everything. It looks pretty though.

I’m surprised, I think. How so many of them blossom. How just about everything is blossoming now. Somehow everything looks more natural than it was before. Before, it was all so clean, so perfect, and put together. It almost seems ugly compared to now. It’s amazing what nature can do to a Ferrari. How the colors of nature blend so perfectly with the tarnished hue of red. How the green effortlessly captures the once well-crafted curves of a high-speed machine.

It’s the same all over. Every building now. Every stoplight, the gas station, the hot dog stand. Nature wins in the end. I guess that makes sense to me now too. Nature has a seemingly endless time horizon. I still can barely plan a week ahead. Even after all these years. After all that’s happened. I still can’t even make a solid plan further than a few days. But nature has no plan I suppose. It just moves on. It just grows. Slowly and self-assured.

This is where I asked you out. I wanted to visit it again. See what it was like now. I remember what it looked like here. Way back when things were still normal. Or maybe this is normal now. It’s hard to tell. It’s been this way so long now, that it seems like this is the norm. And that tracks. I mean anything that lasts long enough becomes the norm. That’s what normal is.

But things have changed a lot in the world. And it’s calm now. Calm everywhere. Quiet. Empty.

I don’t even remember how long it's been at this point. It’s so hard to keep track after a while. But that’s okay. There’s no real need to keep track of so much when things are so quiet. And that’s funny too. To think just how loud things need to get, before they just have to become quiet again. And it got so very loud. When the evacuations started, when the sirens started to blow. When the military started yelling orders. That was when the noise truly started to build. A city is a loud place to live on its own. But once things started to fall apart, that’s when I really started to understand noise. I would have never imagined things would get so insanely loud.

It was the panic, I think. Panic is a very loud sound. And panic doesn’t get quiet. Even in silence, panic is noisy. It keeps you up. It kept me up. For months. Years, I guess. I don’t how long. But too long. Panic kept me awake well before it all fell apart too. Before everyone started fighting. Before we lost the structure of everything. It actually makes me laugh now; just how normal panic was in my life until now.

I’m amazed we made it so long. So intact. We were lucky so many times. And you were clever. You were calm. You helped me stay calm. I think that’s why I can appreciate the calm now. You taught me that. Maybe I chose to learn it a little too late, but you did end up teaching me that. You were calm before it all too. It’s like you always knew it was the better way to be. That’s why I think I admired you so much. I was mesmerized by your way of remaining still amidst so much noise. I never asked, but I wonder if that’s why you moved to the city. I wonder if that’s why you said yes to me.

This spot right here is where it all happened too. This spot was important so many times to us. To me. It's where I finally asked you to date me. It's where I gave you that heart-shaped locket. Where we’d meet for lunch. Where we met when it all started to collapse. This is the spot we kept coming back to. This is the spot where it ended.

I can't believe it is over now. I can’t believe it’s been over for so long now. Nobody seems to be around anymore. I wonder where they all went to. Whoever was left. I wonder if they all found a place somewhere too. I wonder how many of them there are. I wonder if somehow someone will find these pages. I doubt it though. It’s been empty here for too long. It's been empty since that last day. Every time I come back now, it’s empty.

That last day was the scariest day. That last time we came here. When it got out of hand for the last time. I have not seen a single other person since that last day. And it took so much time to accept it all too. I can still hear the gunfire in my head. That last shot echoing through these streets. I remember seeing him drop. I remember the way I felt when I thought it was over. And the way I felt when I saw that for you it really was. I was so sure we were safe. Maybe it’s because we had been lucky so many times before, but I was certain. And then I saw the red soaking your shirt. And even then, somehow you were still so calm. So ready to move on. I didn’t understand how. All I could hear; all I could feel was that panic. That loss.

But it’s better this way, I think. Better than it was. I didn’t think it was before. I don’t think I could have understood before. But today it feels better. Every day it feels a bit better. I feel a bit better. About all of it now. About what happened here. I understand why you knew it was better this way.

The sun is going down. I think I'm going to stay here until the end now. I’m ready to move on too now. It feels right. I think it’s because it’s more peaceful. Because it’s not so noisy anymore. And I like that. I love that. It reminds me of you.

This is important too, the quiet. The calm. Sometimes I miss how it was. How the city was. Sometimes I miss the noise. I miss the energy. But I know that’s why I loved you. You contrasted the noise so beautifully. You were always like the way it is now. Natural, effortless, calm, beautiful. And this feels right, now. This is what I want to be a part of now. This is what I wanted to be a part of with you.

I think I'm going to leave your locket here. I’ll leave your heart here. Where Nature and City collided. And where they both found peace.