Talking with your Demons

Today, you fight with your demons. Today, you give them validity. Today, you want to give in to them.

You don’t want to hold on to what makes me... me.

You turn to my dark side. Hoping to find some solace. That’s all I need, some peace and quiet. But you don’t get that. They tell you to let go and that everyone would be better off without you.

You should just go, permanently. You hear it so much, even you start to believe it.

You start to think that no one wants someone they must save all the time. No one that they could consider a burden. No one wants someone with mood swings, anxiety, emotional baggage. No one wants someone who is “damaged.” So you listen to your demons. They start to make more sense.

You give them more validity.

You start to slip into the darkness.

Looking for peace. Hell, you aren’t even looking for happiness, just peace.

You want your demons to be quiet, so you build a wall. A wall so high that nothing can reach you. Not a person, not a sound, not an emotion, nothing. But it only helps for so long. It only blocks them out for so long. Eventually they start to grow louder and louder... and louder... and louder... and louder until it’s deafening and it’s all you hear.

You listen until all you want to do is cry and scream.

You scream, “Someone save me, please.” Thinking to yourself, “I can’t do this anymore."

But for some reason you keep pushing. It’s not for yourself but you do it regardless. Despite the demons telling you shouldn’t. Despite the pain in your heart and the weight on your shoulders. You keep pushing.

And once you’re up you put that mask back on so no one knows what goes on inside, cause let’s face it, they don’t really care.

So you have to do it yourself.

Alone.

But you do it.

You do it for the people who depend on you. The animals you care for. The picture you like to look at on the wall.

You plaster that fake smile on, dry your eyes, and raise your head. To the untrained eye you look like you’re ready to take on the world. Only you know the truth, that the world is in fact beating you down. Breaking you down into nothing. Nothing but dust.

You stop to look in the mirror that’s hanging on the wall. You see the tear streaks. The black and blue bags under your eyes. You see the scars. You see the pain. But you bury it. Deep.

You tell yourself you’ll make it through this. But even you aren’t sure of that.

Then they start up all over again. Yelling at you. Causing a pain to shoot through your head and your eyes fill with tears all over again. You just want to give up. Let go.

No one would miss me if I did, you think to yourself.

But boy are you wrong. Someone will miss you.

Someone will notice that you’re no longer there.

But it’s not enough to make the demons hush. They just keep getting louder and louder. You really just want to go crawl back into your bed and drown them out with “blissful” sleep.

You look at yourself one last time. You take a deep breath, square your shoulders, and walk the rest of the way to greet your family and friends.

“Hello everyone.” You say in the happiest tone you could muster. You caught the minor fall in your voice but they obviously didn’t, based off the smiles you are getting from them.

Damn, I wish someone could see me. Is the last thing you think before you shut all they way off.