Surviving Suicide

This is a very raw, deep, and completely honest account of my progress from the time I received the call that James (my boyfriend of almost one year) killed himself. I will post two or three days at a time until I get to the present.

September 25, 2016

Well, it is almost 9 AM, I wasn’t going to start writing until later. On CBS Sunday Morning and Charles Osgood is retiring. There are only a few people who would know I love Sunday Morning, but because I only have regular TV, it doesn’t always come in. I wanted to sit and watch it and just reflect some. It hit me; that I have to put my thoughts into words.

I was sitting in the big chair (Dre’s chair) with Precious on the ottoman, Dre on the floor, and Amber beside me wanting to be loved. Amber—anyone who has met her understands what I’m trying to say. I believe she is an American Eskimo, she’s not mean, but she doesn’t like much petting. And because James spoiled her more than he should have, she will nip at you if you misinterpret her growls. She has a happy growl and then there is the one that says, "Leave me alone or don’t" touch me there, growl. Now Amber would never hurt anyone on purpose. So with having her in my lap and wanting to be loved on was a complete surprise, even with everything that has happened in the last week. It has been such a long week. Anyway, enough of that for the moment. I was sitting there and petting her and she was rubbing her nose against me. She looked into my eyes, and I could see the pain…the questions…and how lost she feels…people can say what they want, but animals do have feelings and they grieve just like we do. All I could do is tell her that I loved her daddy as much as she did and that I’m sorry. Even though I’m scared about taking another puppy (all dogs are puppies in my eyes, no matter how old they are) on, but I feel deep in my heart she is to meant to be with me. I honestly, at the moment, don’t understand why. It’s so strange. I mean I know she is supposed to be in my life but with James there too. I felt that James and I were supposed to be together forever.

Precious

Dre and Precious

I am a firm believer that every person that we cross paths with, are there for a reason. It’s like, when you see, smell, hear, taste, or touch something and you will remember a person from your past or even childhood, good or bad. James showed me so much…maybe in the future, I will learn why/what I showed him. I know it sounds crazy that I don’t know if he was truly happy with me and how I impacted his life. I honestly didn’t have enough time to spend with his family to learn what I was bringing to his life. We had been talking for a year and eight days, but we were a couple for about 11 months and two weeks...

I can honestly say that this is the hardest thing I ever had to go through. If he had not been the love of my life, the “one” and just a good friend, it wouldn’t be so hard. I wouldn’t feel so lost, lonely and yes even horny. People don’t want to talk about the sexual side of the relationship, but that is a big part of a good relationship and partnership. Now that is one part that I can say, I showed him how good things could be, things that other women, wouldn’t do. I’m not going into details; those are forever his and mine, alone.

I need to write about how we met but, for some reason; it is going to be harder to put into words. I honestly don’t know why. You would think that it would be some of the easiest. But going back to the beginning, you have to remember everything. You have to look at the good, bad, and ugly. Now these three things will be different for everyone. The relationship James and I had was awesome. I know there are ones that would say that’s not possible. I agree to disagree…I know our relationship is not what made him kill himself, but did it have a small factor? Yes, it did. Why do I say that? Because he was sick and a lot of pain. He had been in some degree of pain from the very first day I met him, and because of that, and because he always put everyone first, he didn’t want to hurt me…we would agree to disagree.

This is so hard on so many levels…I miss him so much, the daily routine we had even though we didn’t live together. We all have some type of routine, whether or not we realize it. Even the most unorganized person has some level of routine. Like I said, earlier in my journal, there were and still is, on both sides. Neither one of us had the extra money to put on my phone, so we only talked a few times a month. We kept in touch through texting each other multiple times a day. We lived together, but in different homes. We had spent enough weekends together at both our homes, to learn habits, likes and dislikes: routine. On his work days, he would text me by 5 at the latest to let me know he was at work, but it was more than that, EVERY message would start out: Good Morning Beautiful, I’m at work, hope you have a great day. Miss you Baby, there are a few different versions but all were telling me he loved me. Even the text in the middle of the day, miss you sexy, baby or something like that. Night time was the same. I really miss him on so many levels.