Suicide Prevention

When I was 18, my whole world changed.

I got a text from my sister-in-law saying “I’m sure you’ve heard about AJ”. Nothing more except that my other brother might need to be checked on. I had no idea what she was talking about so I immediately texted her back to ask what was going on. She told me that it wasn’t her place to tell me and I should talk to my mom.

I texted my mom to figure out what was happening. AJ had been in trouble previously and I was wondering if he had gotten into even more trouble. I wish that had been the case. My mom didn’t want to tell me over text, but she did end up calling me and letting me know that my oldest brother had passed away. He had committed suicide.

All I felt in that moment was pain in my chest. My heart wasn’t there anymore and it was just pain. I was nauseous and I was in shock. We both started crying and I thanked her for telling me. I knew it had to have been so incredibly hard to say that outloud. I could barely repeat it to my boyfriend at the time when he asked me what was wrong.

An hour later I got a call to go on my very first interview the next day. I had no idea how I was supposed to do that. How do I put on a brave face and act like everything is fine while I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest? I didn’t know, and I still don’t know how I did it. The next few months were a blur. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t function like a normal person. I don’t know how I managed.

I learned a few years later that I actually got a mild form of PTSD from this experience. Anytime suicide was brought up I would feel a tightness in my chest. I actually broke down at a job at one point because a customer had actually brought up the fact that her daughter’s friend and committed suicide. I told my boss I needed to go out to my car for 10 minutes and I’d be back. I went and cried and called my boyfriend and the time and I was able to calm down.

I’m writing this, not to gather any sympathy, but to spread the message that your life matters. Your life is important. Please don’t solve a temporary problem with a permanent solution. Your family loves you, your friends love you, the world loves you. Even if you feel all alone, you’re not. Everyone has a purpose on this planet and you just haven’t found yours yet, and that is okay! You can get through whatever is troubling you. No matter what it is.

Suicide impacts so many more people than you think. You may think nobody is going to care but you are sadly mistaken. I posted about a dream I had about my brother a few months after he died. He told me how sorry he was and he gave me a hug. He told me that he never expected to upset this many people, he basically didn’t think he mattered enough to people. In reality, he had an infectious smile and laugh, he was so incredibly funny, and so kind. I miss him everyday and I wish he was going to be at my wedding, whenever that happens. I know he is always watching over me but I just wish I could hug him one more time. I wish I could joke with him one more time. Even just hear his voice on the other end of the phone.

You never know what kind of impact you have on people’s lives. You never know what that impact will be when you’re gone. Try and make as long of an impression as you can on this earth. Everyone is here for a reason. You can do it.