Suicide Ideation Awareness Costume

Content Warning: Suicide, cutting, and some graphics.

Hi :) My name is Nicole, and since this is my first entry on Vocal ((I've been dying to start an account for years,)) I thought maybe I should start this by telling you a little bit about myself ((start with the lighter traumas before we dive into the deep end.)) I am a 35 yr old cis female living with Schizophrenia, Complex PTSD, and Dissociative Identity Disorder. I am extremely driven by my creativity- and I also use it to heal through "Art Therapy," which is something I will probably want to talk more about as time goes on. Art Therapy is the biggest reason I still feel like a person, with hopes to function better, more and more as time goes on. My main creative outlets are fashion, music, and writing-- hence the reason Vocal caught my eye in the first place. Most of what I write about here in the future will probably be about living with my disorders and the things I am trying to do in order to prevent my symptoms from worsening more than they already have as of recently. My hope is to spend my lifetime essentially creating as much awareness as possible through the channel that is me in the times I am able to- about important topics such as mental health, suicide ideation, art therapy, and anything else that I struggle with and things I have found to help with that struggle or ease the pain. Since I was diagnosed at 17, I have treated myself as my own science experiment ((I have an Associates Degree in Science)) and I have been actively studying what it means to have the mental illnesses I have, and everything I can do to try and live a life as high functioning as possible. My plans are to finish writing a book about these things, and also launch a docu-series on what its like to live with schizophrenia, cptsd, and DID in particular- as I have been filming for 5 years+. My biggest goal is to open my own facility one day that helps people deal with mental illness, suicide ideation, addiction, and extensive trauma with a focus on child molestation. I have about a million ideas and a million different things I would like to do with the life I have been given- but I am hindered greatly lately by the worsening of my condition. For example- I feel like uploading on this platform will help me to compile everything a little bit better for the book I would like to finish and release one day, but I have developed speech problems as my schizophrenia has worsened in the past 5 years or so. Usually. i type like. this. so that. i can use. the periods. as "stops" for me to "stop" and take a breath and focus . on how to get. the next word. out. instead. of getting frustrated. and quitting. and going. mute. This also essentially. happens when. I speak out. loud- causing me to pause. often in between. words. or phrases. Thankfully for you- I also suffer from obsessive compulsive disorder- and I know how to edit out the periods that give me uncontrollable anxiety about the way they must look and how hard it must be to read that way! So I will do what I can in order to edit to the best of my ability, but i might not fuss so much over the "i'"s being capitalized- i hope thats okay :)

One thing about my brain is that it is def hard to stay focused on the task at hand- which right now is the Vocal Costume Contest! One thing I have done in the essence of healing//trying to put my broken lil brain back together -- is playing dress up as if I were 3 again ((ironically- the age that my first trauma began.)) This has brought me back to life in many ways through out the past year- so its only natural that I wanted to go as ham as possible this Halloween. One of my all time favorite movies ever is Beetlejuice- and for as long as I can remember I have been wanting to dress up as the Dead "Miss Argentina" Beauty Queen//Receptionist that works in the waiting room for the "Recently Deceased" in the Neitherworld ((where BeetleJuice lives.)) But it wasn't until this Halloween that I had the idea to do a small twist on the character.

In the movie, Miss Argentina's famous quote "If I had known then what I know now, I wouldn't have had my little accident," was spoken as she was suggesting that the Afterlife was no picnic while she held up her slit wrists, revealing the way she ended up there. I realized this year, that the fact that the costume would almost be "glorifying suicide" - was probably the underlying reason why I never ended up following through with the costume before. I personally have struggled deeply since my teenage years with suicide ideation, which is defined by Wikipedia as "thinking about suicide with deliberate consideration or planning. It is not a diagnosis for the DSM-5, but is rather a symptom of many mental disorders." Since one of the main causes of death in people with schizophrenia is suicide- I have been no stranger to the damage that suicide ideation can cause a person. Since I've also just so happened to lose one of my best friends and family members through successful suicide completion-- I know the pain of losing someone you love in this way. I have an extremely strong support system, and I could never put my friends and family through the pain of losing someone through suicide- and it is ALWAYS what saves me. But it doesn't mean that I don't still think about it, or think that my life or other peoples lives would be easier without me in it. As much as I try to evade those thoughts- they invade regardless- sometimes on the daily. So suicide is a sensitive subject for me to say the least- so I wanted to do this costume justice while still somehow suggesting that suicide never has to be the way.

A lighter part of the trauma I have experienced in my life was due to a relationship that I was in for 15 years, one that was lovely at times, but terrifying in others. My partner was an active heroin user for many years, and began cutting during his battle with addiction- but only when high. When he was high he, at times, became fascinated with knives and sharp objects, and his pushed-down demons would prance around with them, using them as if they were markers. One day in the peak of his using- I woke up and went to use the bathroom. As I was peeing groggily I noticed two giant white towels soaked in blood in the bathtub. The first things that came to mind were that he had either killed someone, something, or himself. I rushed downstairs to find him acting totally normal, with netflix and chill. I was afraid of his reactions at this time in our relationship- so I gently asked if he knew where the blood came from. He said he had no idea, and because I knew he was lying- I was afraid to push the subject further out of fear of what was really going on. I ended up staying and watching tv with him- terrified for hours before he finally rolled over and screamed in pain. Something was wrong with his leg, and he was genuinely confused as to why or what happened. He took off his pants and to BOTH of our surprise his ENTIRE leg was wrapped up in medical tape and paper towels. He slowly and carefully unwrapped his leg to reveal the art project he worked on the night before when he was high apparently. He had taken a razor blade and carved into his poor skin: " I <3 Nicole T. Laraway ((my real name)) from the very top of his thigh to underneath his knee. He also experienced heavy suicide ideation because of his Major Depressive Disorder and addiction, but I had never seen him do anything like this. The cuts were SO deep that he still has heavy scaring to this day. Seeing his leg like that messes with me to this day, so to get this out of my system-- I wanted to change the costume from wrist slits to words that look like they were carved reading "Stay Strong," which are words that I just may get tattooed on my wrists someday for the same reason.

People die from suicide everyday but I feel like not enough people talk about Suicide Ideation-- which is the stepping stone to suicide. I've never heard it even put in those terms until I went into the hospital for being suicidal over my schizophrenic symptoms. I feel like the more we talk about the ideation of suicide-- the more we can help people to understand how to stop themselves before running too far with it. One thing that has helped me has been going into treatment. Literally all you have to do is go into the hospital and say that you are having suicidal thoughts- and you will be placed somewhere. I went to a couple of places- but I also just happened to go to the best in the country- which is McLeans Hosptial in Massachusetts. I cant say enough about their Suicide Ideation unit- they really have done their research and know what to do with suicidal people and it was so helpful for me. Their entire program is built on a foundation of DBT techniques which I also swear by. I want to talk more about this, do more research, and get more people talking about the fact that suicide prevention lies in suicide ideation prevention. It is my hope that this costume and this first story will be able to start a conversation about normalizing these thoughts that so many mentally ill people are having on the daily, just like me. People like me need to hear that having these thoughts are normal when you live in a mentally ill mind, or you've had an unreasonable amount of trauma thrown your way. The guilt, shame, and embarrassment over having these thoughts are already so overpowering - that we NEED people- especially young people! to know and understand that Suicide Ideation is a SHOWING SYMPTOM of a bigger problem- which is the mental illness. When you get to the root of the bigger problem, and you stay on task in your healing, the suicide ideation truly does fade, in my experience anyway. And then if it shows back up- it just means you have more work to do, or that maybe you slipped on your routine towards healing.

I plan to talk about these topics more at length using this platform, if you would like to give me a follow. When I was first diagnosed - my doctor at the time told me that if I didn't take my diagnosis seriously- that one day I might not be able to have a job, or live by myself, or take care of myself. I feel like I made it my life mission to prevent these things from happening-as I lived alone and supported myself by always having a job up until last year. But unfortunately over the past year I have reached the stage in the ever evolving schizophrenia diagnosis where I am legally disabled, and currently unable to work or live by myself or take care of myself on my own. My schizophrenia as of the past year has taken a big turn for the worst- but I have also made a lot of important discoveries along the way and I feel as tho I could be a huge asset as far as research goes on this topic. I plan to release these discoveries into the universe in multiple different ways, as often as I am mentally and physically able to. If you would like to support me, the cause that is me, and the causes that I want to fight for you can do so by reading my stories on this platform, tipping on this platform, or by donating to my gofundme which is www.gofundme.com/nicoleshealing. Tips and Donations are greatly supported right now, as they will go directly towards helping me with basic living expenses. Thank you for taking time out of your day for me, and I look forward to telling you more in the future<3