Still Learning

Three years ago, I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 disorder. The disorder brought a lot of chaos, mania, depression, anxiety, and heartbreak. The illness came out of nowhere and even stumped doctors in Spain as to what I had. I went into detail in my book that I self-published. It felt great to get it out there so that other people suffering could relate. Even with therapy and medicine, I'm stuck in a place I don't want to be. It’s hard for me to relearn how to think. What many people don’t understand is that fateful night I blacked-out a healthy person and woke up bipolar- my brain was overloaded and now is in recovery mode. Even though it has been three years, it feels like it all happened yesterday. I’ve been going to therapy and even went to a cognitive behavior program to help me get to a healthy place. I’m stable again but I have noticed I still struggle to do things that pre-Bipolar were easy. For instance, grocery shopping has become a hard task. Pre-Bipolar, if I needed something, I would go get it. Now, I hesitate to leave the house. Maybe, it's because it's easier to order groceries or maybe it's because my brain got used to not leaving my safe haven. I stay home because I am unemployed and that comes with a plethora of issues for me. Now, I have zero hobbies because I have no interests and my children are all grown up and don’t need me like they did when they were younger. I tried making friends through various apps but that didn’t go so well. It felt like bad dating apps, lol. I stay home doing chores and some days I pass the time watching tv. I don’t want to be a couch potato. I want to be adventurous again. I loved going out and exploring the city.

I’m afraid I will have to work harder than most people would breaking a bad habit. The years depression hit, I’m afraid, my brain learned to take it easy and not work hard. One of the major issues I have is watching tv. My battle can be traced back to my childhood. I had an abusive childhood that caused a lot of issues as an adult, one of which is watching tv to escape reality. As a child, whenever I was feeling lonely or sad about my life, I would turn to the tv for comfort. After many years, that has become a knee-jerk reaction for me. Anytime something bothers me, or I want to escape, there’s the tv. I tried reading books instead, but my mind wanders so much that I can’t focus on what I’m reading. I’ve tried different tools to help combat this and all I have come up with is saying no. If I go to the sofa or reach for the remote, I say “Nope!” out loud. I don’t want to be a couch potato. I also discovered that I turned to writing to avoid the tv. Something great came out of a bad habit! The hardest thing to end a bad habit is to start a good habit. The brain needs something to distract it. For me, it was writing whatever came to mind. I tried writing on pen and paper but soon found my handwriting to be a distraction. I’m a perfectionist, so instead of just writing my thoughts, my focus shifted to my penmanship and grammatical errors. I found my computer much easier to use and write.

In my journey to be a better human, I discovered many things. One of those things is that I have been steadfast in my resiliency in not giving up! Sure, I have failed many times, but I keep on trying! It feels like an inner battle all the time. Never, before being diagnosed, did I have to deal with anything pertaining to mental health. I was 36 when I blacked out and woke up in a hospital with bipolar disorder. That’s a lot to take in all at once! I’m happy to say that I am now stable after much trial and error.

I just want to be a better human being. I read articles on how to improve all the time! Anything about the brain and mental health interests me very much. They say that exercise helps the brain as well as your body. I started exercising every day and the other day, I even went for a hike by myself- for the first time in my life! For those feeling like the bad days will never end, I understand. I was there not too long ago. Hang on! Keep fighting for you!!! It is cliché to say but no one will fight harder for you than you. You must realize that if you ever want to get better. Once you have you in your corner, you can face anything! I am living proof. I went from being immobile in my bed and having to be fed and taken care of, to hiking a mountain!! Yes, I know it took 3 years! Yes, I know it was hard!!! But guess what? I finally love me enough to try. Even pre-bipolar, I didn’t love me this much. So, in a crazy twist of fate, this was a good thing. Maybe it’s the perfectionist in me but I feel if I can make an improvement, anyone can!