Spring Clean Your Anxiety

Almost everyone attempts to kick off the new year with the aim of meeting a goal or picking up a new hobby. For me, I try to do the same, but I’ve struggled with it for the past few years.

I’m gearing up to graduate college this spring and I have been working on adhering to the goals I set last year. So far, I am doing pretty well, which is surprising. Being someone that has battled anxiety for years, I can see why so many people end up giving up on securing a fresh start. With anxiety it can almost seem impossible. Anxiety is like having a little bully inside your mind 24/7. It is the noisy neighbor, or in my case, the never-ending internal dialogue.

Before I was diagnosed with anxiety, the first two years of college were a real challenge for me. Each fall I went in with ambitions and good habits that barely lasted through September. By the time Spring came around, I was determined to improve my mental and emotional well-being to only fail again. Here’s the thing, failing can be a blessing in disguise...sometimes.

It’s hard to believe, but failing is the only way we learn. Failing can be the only way through a crisis. We aren’t really meant to get it right the first time, especially if we have anxiety. For me, my anxiety centers around the what-ifs. What if my best friend really doesn’t like me? What if something happens to my mom? My brother? What if I overshare? What if I get called on in class? What if when I call to make this appointment, I’m not prepared to answer the questions? What if I make a fool of myself? These questions have only brought trouble in the end and have never fully prepared me for an unexpected situation, because life is full of twists and turns. Life can never be fully predicted. Sometimes we just don’t have control.

I learned this the hard way my first two years of college. I made the mistake of not riding on my University’s equestrian team as much as I truly wanted to, and I’ve beat myself up for it. I wanted so badly to spend my college career working my way to being a strong and capable equestrian, but it took two years to even get started. Every day it came time to sign up for practices, I had a panic attack. My heart raced because I knew I wasn’t as good as the others on the team. An outsider would be level headed enough to realize I was riding with teammates who grew up riding horses; I never had that luxury as I do now.

While failing to do what I wanted, I failed to listen to my mind and body. I didn’t prioritize my own happiness. I focused too much on my little mistakes—not getting perfect grades, not saying how I really felt, and constantly comparing myself to others. I also failed to acknowledge the emotional trauma I’ve dealt with growing up in a household with an alcoholic father. Spring semester freshman year, my father took a turn for the worse and spiraled out of control. My not-so-nice stepmom became my ex-not-so-nice stepmom, and my mom divorced her husband, who also wasn’t the best person I’ve ever met. These events set me on my own spiral that felt impossible to get out of.

I think it’s important for us all to take a moment to recognize our lack of compassion for ourselves and how it intervenes with our happiness. Sometimes it takes longer than expected to begin to triumph over our anxiety. It can be hard to have the dedication it takes to see ourselves through our dark tunnels out into the sunshine and fresh air. Progressing from the cold winter and into the warm and inviting Spring is representative of our own transitions. Spring is about rebirth. No matter how unworthy and undeserving we may feel, each and every one of us are entitled to improving ourselves.

In order to move past our traumas and finally exit our mental rollercoasters we find ourselves stuck in a loop on, I want to share a few steps I took to literally get back in the saddle…

Step One: Remember that it takes time. If you are a planner or visual person, like me, set aside time to hash out where you want to be. The more details, the better. Any dream or ambition you have, no matter how fantasy it may seem, is important to consider. Anything is possible if you set your mind to it.

Step Two: Always, always remind yourself that even though you may not be where you want to be this exact moment, you are a unique individual currently trying to survive where you are in life, you have the ability to thrive, and you must always respect yourself. You cannot properly respect others or command respect if you do not respect yourself. Self-acceptance is valuable. We are not solely made up of our mistakes and shortcomings.

Step Three: Someone somewhere looks up to you. It may be tough to see, but there is someone who only sees the good and potential in you. You also have the ability to inspire.

Step Four: Reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or counselor to talk to. If you think therapy doesn’t work for you, give it another shot. It took me years to find a therapist that meshed well with me. The right person is out there, just keep looking. Spend time working on improving your mindset first. A few activities that helped me develop a more positive mindset were journaling, writing stories, and finding a new thing to add to a list each day that I loved about myself or life in general.

Step Five: Pick up a new or continue an old/existing hobby. As I worked on myself, I became more confident in my abilities and skills as an equestrian. I enjoyed it, I didn’t fear it. I still have anxiety about riding most days, but because of my dedication to putting my emotional well-being first, I am able to take a step back and realize whatever it is that worries me, whether it be that I will embarrass myself or fall of the horse, which I have done, I am learning and readapting everyday. I also got back into writing, hiking, and gardening. Now that it’s spring, I highly recommend spending time outside working with your hands on a new project or planting a new flower. I have found that the deeper the concentration that goes into these hobbies and outdoor activities, the more your anxiety begins to shrink away.

Step Six: If you have social anxiety like me, slowly begin to put yourself in situations that make you interact with others. It could be as simple as an email, text, or phone call. Do not rush into this if you feel you’re not ready, but make sure to actively work on advancing towards this.

Step Seven: Surround yourself with positive people and relationships. If you find that there is someone in your life that makes it hard for you to work on yourself, setting boundaries will support you. This can be a difficult step, it was for me, so make sure to properly think through this in the healthiest way it will be for you and your situation. Go back to your trusted therapist. They will have plenty of guidance on how best to handle this. This step is different for everyone.

Lastly, just remember that nobody is perfect. You matter. Your dreams, no matter how big or small, are achievable. Spring cleaning your anxiety is challenging, but you are worth it. I am so much happier than I was four years ago. I am grateful for the lessons I’ve learned and the paths I’ve taken to get to where I am today. I am happy to say that I am finally back in the saddle and enjoying what life has to offer, even if that means I don’t have control of the horse I’m riding!