Social Anxiety

July of 2019, diagnosed with Social Anxiety.

Prescription: Propranolol, 10mg.

I was 20 years old when i was diagnosed. I was in a toxic relationship that did not allow me to speak of my condition as it always followed by yelling. As the months went by.. so did my mental health, I broke. Broke into a million pieces... I had no one to speak to, no one to go to for comfort. All i had was myself.

Growing up, I always had a problem with public speaking. I never thought anything of it as I thought the feeling of dread was something everyone felt at my age. The memory of my mother laughing and saying " No, that's weird" after i pleaded for her to walk me into school on my first day of high school, will always remind me of how serious my condition was without me knowing. I never enjoyed the last two weeks of each summer because i was always filled with "nerves" thinking about the start of school. Looking back now. I never went through with an oral presentation in class. I always found a way out of that situation one way or another and still managed to pass the classes. As i got older (16) the teachers did not have much sympathy left in them as they viewed us as delinquents. I attended a high school where dealing drugs and fighting in class was a common thing. Now, i never smoked until i finished school which i regret because maybe if i had some THC in me, i could have felt better in school. Unfortunately the substance was illegal at the time. I did skip class every time i had an oral presentation. I would walk out when i felt overwhelmed as the teachers were very rude and pick on me as i never spoke or participated. One teacher "Ms. Karunakar" yes, that's her real name. she would call me antisocial in front of the class just to get them to laugh. Now, i don't know about you but that is not funny to me. It actually really embarrassed me to the point where i could not go back to that class. ultimately i failed that course and three more because i had her for those other courses as well. Fast forward to senior year. I ended up taking an extra 5 months of school because i was missing credits. I graduated anyways.

Now i am currently turning 24 this year and i am still struggling with this everyday. As you saw in the beginning, i was taking some prescription meds. They were AMAZING!! I never felt so unbothered and confident in my life that i thought those pills would fix me. I was able to walk down the sidewalk and enjoy looking anywhere without my mind thinking someone is starring at me or judging me. Don't get me wrong, i can still do thing's on my own. My issue is when i have to do something alone in a public setting...yes i know, everything is in a public setting. Work, School, Social life...everything. But i thought those pills where a solution. They were not.

I have been off those pills for a year and half now. I chose to stop taking them because i saw myself starting to rely on them for everything. Going out to the store for one little thing, work everyday. They were supposed to just be for when i feel anxious which was and still is all the time. I was also drinking a lot of energy drinks as anxiety in general is mentally and physically draining, so i needed that extra boost for work. I cut those drinks out too as i became reliant on that as well for energy. So as you can tell it was starting to become a domino effect with needing one thing then another and so on. The side effects would also take a toll on me as dizzy spells and the feeling of a big head was starting to become more frequent. So i stopped.

I am currently still struggling with this and i am pretty sure i always will as there is no "cure" for social/anxiety without medication. I am in a loving, caring relationship with someone who accepts me for me and understands me instead of yelling at me. I learn from my mistakes and how to cope with my problem. Yes, i call it a problem and it does not affect me because it is something that i will always have to deal with until i die and that is okay. I can no longer work in face to face customer service as it is terrible on my mental health. Finding work is actually really difficult because they expect you to be something you are not for the job. I am mentally incapable of being something i am not and showing emotion to strangers is very difficult for me. I may be on the spectrum for Asperger's syndrome but until i get there, i am just socially anxious 99.9% of the time. I do not really have friends as i find friendships to be exhausting and too much work for me. It does scare me that i will ultimately end up lonely because of my condition, but i will work on this everyday so those i care about will not disappear and know that i care for them, deeply.