Simple Truths

In the last few months many people I know have lost people they love. I feel heartbroken for them. I wish I could offer words that contained the power to heal but I have nothing. In fact, I think if they were to stand before me the truth is I would be nervous of what to say and how to act. I would be cautious of saying anything trite or redundant. The good ol “I’m so sorry for your loss” or the comforting “they will always be with you”. Although full of good intention they become just something people say. When I lost my mom I felt like if I heard one more person say to me “I’m so sorry” I was going to lunge at them. Each time it felt like taking a bullet. I can’t offer any words of advice or spiritual guidance. Having lost my soulmate, someone who is truly the best part of me, I’m sure should have somehow qualified me for such a task but it doesn’t. Each person’s experience belongs to only them and just because we lose someone doesn’t qualify us to say “I know how you feel”. It doesn’t qualify us to know someone else’s pain or experience. What I can offer is some simple truths in my experience.

Here are my truths….

1) It does not get better with time. I know, starting with a punch. What I mean by this is that you will always miss your loved one as much as you do right now. That never changes! Your love for them does not dissipate. It has been 10 years since I lost my mother and I still miss her so much it hurts to breathe sometimes. I still have moments when I think of her and burst into tears, I see her face and I still reach for the phone to call her and have to remind myself she is not there. I have dreams of her and every time she is sick and I try to save her….every time I fail. I still have flashbacks to her in the hospital and the last days of her life. I have flashbacks of the good days too. I miss her every second of every day and that has never changed. I won’t’ lie, you will always have this pain of missing them. I can also say that with time, what you will be able to do is find a way to cope with it. To find joy, to laugh….I promise, you will laugh again! You will be able to see life as you should again. Little by little, one step at a time, breathe in and out and one day it gets a little easier to laugh, to joke, to smile and to remember.

2) The first year is the hardest. Be forgiving to those who stopped calling and stopped asking how you are. Chances are it’s more about them than it is about you. People feel helpless at easing your pain. They are at a loss of what to say or what to do. You’ll get cards, tokens, angels all in the hopes to bring you some kind of comfort. Sometimes the most comforting thing someone can do is just be there for you. I was lucky enough to have an amazing friend that would drive me to and from Kelowna on a regular basis to see my mom when she was fighting cancer. He would make the trip in a day there and back and do it again to pick me up! In the midst of my fear, my pain, and my stress he found a way to be there for me the way nobody else could. I could never thank him enough for that. He made me laugh when I didn’t want to and allowed me to cry when I had no choice. May we all be lucky enough to be blessed with such angels, such friends in our lives that can help us heal with the love in their hearts.

3) Be understanding and forgiving to those who grieve with you. Everyone grieves in a different way. Forgive the ones you love for doing things that seem crazy or out of character to you. You may have lost a parent, but your parent lost the love of their life. You may have lost a sibling, but your parent lost a child. Being a parent I can tell you, there could be no greater pain. If I can offer one bit of advice it would be to hug them and cry with them. This whole idea of having to be strong for someone who is grieving is crazy to me. The problem with that is it leaves the person feeling so alone in their grief. As though, nobody understands or feels the pain that they do. I can speak from experience that that loneliness is crippling. I need to talk about my Mom, I love hearing stories of her and talking about her. It makes me feel closer to her in some way but I know others shut down at the mention of her name. It hurts them to talk about her. I love being surrounded by her things, looking at pictures of her, snuggling with her clothes and breathing in her scent. My father got rid of everything and I found it really hard to understand for a long time but after a while I understood that my mother’s face, her voice, her memory lives in his heart. He doesn’t need a picture because he sees her face every time he closes his eyes and hears her voice every night before he falls asleep. It’s easy to get angry at the things we don’t understand. Be patient.

The truth is, to love someone with such capacity, depth, and without condition can’t come at a lesser cost than the pain of loss. The immense pain you endure is a direct reflection of the love you so bravely shared. My hope is that in the days to come you are surrounded by love. That you are able to lose yourself in it and wake up to a day that is easier, filled with blessings, laughter and strength.

I promise that you will be okay and I promise you will probably have days that it won’t feel true. Honor your loved ones in everything you do. Be a person they would be proud of, live your life in a way that is free of regret and hold onto to the moments with the ones you love because they will be what gets you through.