Shadows Of My Past

Be silent and listen - Have you recognized your madness and do you admit it? Have you noticed that all your foundations are completely mired in madness? Do you no want to recognize your madness and welcome it in a friendly manner? You wanted to accept everything so accept madness too. Let the light of your madness shine, and it will suddenly dawn on you. Madness is NOT to be despised and NOT to be feared, but instead you should give it life...If you want to find paths, you should also not spurn madness, since it makes up such a great part of your nature...Be glad that you can recognize it, for you will thus avoid becoming its victim. Madness is a special form of the spirit and clings to all teachings and philosophies, but even more to daily life, since itself is full of craziness and at bottom utterly illogical .

Man strives towards reason only so that he can make rules for himself. Life itself has NO RULES. That is its mystery and its unknown law. What you call knowledge is an attempt to impose something comprehensible on life. So don't be frightened dear friend, if a sadness confronts you larger than any you have ever known, casting its shadow over all you do. You must think that something is happening within you, and remember that life has not forgotten you, it holds you in its hand and will NOT let you fall.

Why would I want to exclude from my life ANY uneasiness, ANY pain, ANY depression, since I don't know what work they are accomplishing within me? We all have a DARK SIDE. Most of us go through life avoiding direct confrontation with that aspect of ourselves, which I call the SHADOW SELF. There's a reason why. It carries a great deal of energy. Loss and possession, death and life are one, there falls no shadow where there shines no sun.

GOD is dead. GOD remains dead. And we have killed him. Yet his shadow still looms. How shall we comfort ourselves, the murderers of all murderers? What was the holiest and mightiest of all that the world has yet owned has bled to under our knives, who will wipe this blood off us?

I was experiencing all of these thoughts on my biggest and longest binge of my entire existence. On day 23 of NO sleep, i made my way far up North too a place called Smooth Rock falls, and was I ever a mess. I was driven too a detox center by my Mother and her sister on my Moms Birthday. September 12 I was sitting in the backseat of the car NOT wanting to get out! I DID NOT WANT TO WALK THROUGH THE FRONT DOORS OF THE FACILTY. The thoughts that were running though my crank of a brain had to be the most terrifying visions I have ever seen in my entire life. I heard things that never should have entered my head.....And the visions, they felt so surreal, I was in a DEEP STATE OF PHYSCOSIS!!

I was stuck in a weird state for the last three years. Some days more intense then others. There has been days that never went by without seeing someone standing in the same room as me, BUT they weren't actually there. I've actually seen dead people or ghost's. "REAL SHIT" I want to say its a gift but I actually think it's a curse. It get's to the point that I think it's actual reality or a dream. Then some day's I feel completly normal because I don't have an episode, BUT then shit hit's the fan again... The worst is when I have the vision of myself dangling from a tree...That vision happens frequently...

After plunging many needles and causing damage to my body over countless years, I really feel that my time on this planet will never be what I imagined. When I look back at things now I am very surprised that I am still alive, I should have been dead years ago. I tell myself these day's that my next relapse WILL be the DEATH OF ME. Sometimes I wish it would have happened by now because I got this sick and dangerous obsession with curiosity, and it could be very dark and very evil. My curiosity get's so strong, sometimes I swear it will kill me.

To me it all come's down to "FAITH". Something that I have never practiced my entire life. Gradually over the year's I've obtained some knowledge to what it takes to have faith.. Do you know what the actual definition of faith is...?

• Complete trust or confidence in someone or something.

These two definitions of faith are absolutely amazing and on point.

What I have these day's is my higher power and faith. Without neither of these I wouldn't be here today.