Shadow Work: Narcissists, Toxic People and Healing

In a brief, somewhat uncomfortable acquaintance, I encountered a person who embodied some of the toxic traits of manipulation that I had previously ignored greatly by quieting my intuition and being a person who didn't want to be overly judgmental, or give everyone the benefit of the doubt. 

I write this today to discuss warning signs being ignored, emotional manipulation and warfare, and the awareness of paying attention, which has been one of my primary missions in my shadow work self-healing journey of late. 

Before I discuss that further, let's discuss some of the five things I noticed during those interactions that made me finally realize, after about three weeks, that I was engaging with a person who was far below the level of spiritual awareness that I am seeking to mirror in life.

Gaslighting Attempts: Gaslighting is when a person twists words, making another person question their sanity and memory of events. Immediately, I noted it because my perception of reality had been documented by previous conversations, and I knew exactly what had been said to me and why it immediately struck me as a GIANT RED FLAG #1.

Spiritual Manipulation: Having been a person who has seen what spiritual manipulation and abuse look like, I always notice when people say things that bring up the same feelings that those people in my life history did. Using religious beliefs to judge another grown adult's decisions regarding cutting off toxic people out of their life who have made them feel uncomfortable - and making the implication they are wrong for protecting themselves - is dangerous, wrong, and is in stark contrast to my spiritual values of self-love and empowerment. I will not tolerate it. It is the mark of a cult leader, and despicable for anyone to do that to another.

Denial of Accountability: They claimed they never discussed judgment with me before, when in fact they had - revealing a pattern of dishonesty and avoidance of responsibility.

Victim Blaming Mindset: When a person has the audacity at my age to say things like, "Women choose bad boys and then wonder why they get abused," it immediately makes me cringe. It shows they know nothing about Love Bombing or the nature of how predatory gaslighters work - or perhaps that they are one themself. 

The reality is that a great deal of people who are toxic blame the victim without ever taking into account the weight of this reality. Monsters know they win more flies with honey, and they don't tell you they are a serial killer to get you in the car.

Anyone who doesn't already know that in my age group is already showing an incredibly stunted maturity level, and it is also a dangerous one. 

People who say others are responsible for choosing bad relationships and then complaining about the outcome - a toxic attitude that shifts blame from abusers to victims perpetuate a cycle of abuse and deflection that is downright terrifying.

Love Bombing and False Intimacy: They declared intense availability, and swore they would be there, only to reveal their unavailability the next day - a classic tactic to gain emotional control and trust before exploiting vulnerabilities, which also shows performative activist/heroism traits that make it appear like it was only said to look a certain way, but was an empty remark. This is classic textbook abuse tactics, and if you don't watch for this early in the game, you'll find yourself with toxic connections right and left.

The way that these red flags can derail someone's mental health journey is the main highlight of this article. For individuals like me, who have experienced suicidal tendencies and are diligently working through therapy plans, encountering toxic people can be devastating and it can result in falling off the bandwagon - so make sure you are ever cautious in watching out for it. 

These red flags can cause some detrimental issues including:

Triggering intense emotional flashbacks: Gaslighting and manipulation tactics can transport us back to traumatic moments, undoing progress made in therapy.

Eroding self-trust and intuition: Being told our feelings or perceptions are wrong or judgmental can lead us to doubt our own sanity and judgment, making us more vulnerable to toxic influence.

Disrupting coping mechanisms and self-care: Love bombing and false intimacy can activate people-pleasing tendencies, causing us to abandon therapy-advised boundaries and self-protection strategies.

Increasing suicidal ideation: The emotional turmoil caused by toxic interactions can awaken dormant suicidal thoughts, putting hard-won mental health progress at risk.

Undermining therapist guidance: Toxic individuals may directly contradict or subtly discredit our therapists' advice, and then derail your healing or throw you back into a loop of mental stress.

If you notice ANYONE does any of these things, and you've given them a few times to show their true colors, snip, snip, snippety snip!

You don't need that in your life! ✂️ ✂ ✁ ✃ ✄

PS. I want to reiterate that if a person makes you feel uncomfortable or unsafe - it's perfectly okay to cut them out of your life, but it does not always mean they are an evil person. Oftentimes, it means they still have some growing to do and grace for that as we act in kindness moving forward is important. Do not mistreat people just because you don't agree with them and find them to be toxic - just remove them from your space and find those who align with the life you are building.

Treat yourself & others kindly.