Set

So I did it; I reached out to a psychologist. I then waited for the return email.

And I waited for two days. Turns out, as I was nervously keeping an eye out on my inbox, the return was waiting in my spam folder. I did think to check it, but didn't actually look until a few days passed. The email had asked me to call after a certain time - for the day prior. I thought about calling around the same time that night, but had no idea what her schedule looked like.

So I responded with an email explaining that I was still interested in talking, but had overlooked my spam folder. I asked if calling that night was okay, and am glad I asked, because that night was not a good one to call.

I then missed a call from her while watching shows with my partner the following day, and the voicemail said we would talk within a few days.

Then, the next day, I was unsettled, but not panicking. As evening closed in, however, I realized that she might try to call me again that night. My cell phone has had battery issues since my trip to South Dakota last year, and I worried about it dying randomly with anything less than a full charge, so I plugged it in. As the time she had mentioned - and called around previously - neared, my heart rate climbed from the 50-60 BPM it had been most of the day to around 80 BPM.

The time passed, and I began to relax, thinking maybe she would not try to reach out to me that night. I wondered if I should - knew I should, really - when I was startled by a noise in my bathroom.

I had plugged my phone in there because the outlet was the easiest to reach. I stood in my office, dumbfounded a moment, partially because I get so few calls on my cell phone that I hadn't recognized the sudden sounds as my phone ringing.

I answered, nervous.

She confirmed it was me, and then went over the 200 word limit message I had emailed her off the site. I was immediately all over the place, frantically trying to explain this and that and struggling to answer her questions in the way she needed. While I had thought some on the question, "what do you hope to get out of this" prior, as usual, I floundered when actually questioned. I tried to explain some of the things going on, hoping by doing so she could make some sense of how hard it was for me to pinpoint things. It's like all the indicators in a car being lit up for replacements, updates...etc; where the hell do I start?

We went over briefly that there's been family drama and I haven't spoken to or heard from my parents since August of last year. I was a little shocked at her incredulous, "since August? Wow.". Yeah, I know... I know. But I think I need to address some underlying issues before I can try to patch that all up. Maybe. I dunno. This is partly why I'm doing this shit.

Questions about my living and work status were embarrassing, but needed. I'm not holding back; I am so done and over all of this and I'm just hoping I can be happier than what I have been.

We touched on the groping incident. I badly explained that I had what I can only identify as a flashback - the worst yet. Prior ones were so mild that I could brush them off; this major one just before Christmas 2021 left no doubt that what I was having were flashbacks. And they'd suddenly gotten much worse.

She wanted to touch on the low mood and thoughts of wanting to die/kill myself, but, honestly, I'm so used to that that I only recently started to see my "normal" as what other folks would consider low mood. I'm so used to it, I didn't recognize it for what it was. In fact, in hindsight, I kinda laugh how easily I brushed off that question.

"Yeah, that's pretty normal for me."

I laugh, but at the same time I don't.

It was equally relieving and alarming to hear her say something along the lines of, "that's quite a lot" at one point. On one side, maybe I'm not just some worthless idiot who can't handle simple shit. On the other, though... well, that's a little scary.

She asked if I wanted to continue; set up a video call in a week.

"It doesn't matter if I want to or not; I can't keep doing this shit," I said.

We set a date and time. I meant to have written this sooner; as is, that first video call is tomorrow afternoon. I am very fucking nervous. I expect I will sleep little - if at all. The anxiety will only grow, and I guess I'll try to use all that nervous energy to get some writing done tonight. Maybe some housework. I might try to relax with some coloring. I know that I will be so nervous up until the video call begins. And then, resignation. The point of no return.

I'm probably going to come off as a complete idiot.

I've narrowed it down a little what I want from therapy, but there's a lot of shit to sort through to even figure out what's what. I've got several decades of learned behaviors to question. I know I want to be happier if possible.

Let me explain a recent example of me experiencing something good.

Last week, I saw a Facebook post from the Denver Zoo offering free entry if you won a raffle basically. I initially thought, "Oh, that sounds kinda fun - I haven't been there in years. My partner and I could go and have like a date and it's outside so maybe he'd be okay to go since he is boosted and I am vaccinated and we could go and have a nice day together outside of the house. Maybe even have friends along, since I'd get five entry codes."

I entered in my email and name and entered. Within minutes, I began second-guessing my decision. The zoo may be outside, but it could be a bit crowded and we are still in a pandemic. My partner may not want to go. And if I won, who else would I offer tickets to? I do have a few friends I started chatting with more again, but one has recently had to quarantine after being in contact with someone who tested positive, and I don't think she would like to risk it after already having to be extra cautious for weeks. Moreover, I'm morally conflicted with how I feel about things like zoos and aquariums anymore. I like to see the creatures myself, but is this a good life for them? Which suffers worse? The ones poached in the wilds that have to feed themselves, or the ones locked in boxes but fed? Granted, I know animal engagement is something the Denver Zoo tries to encourage, but still....

I brushed off the concerns after a little thinking; chances were I wouldn't win, so I shouldn't fret unless I did.

Lo and behold; I won.

I opened my email to find a subject line about lottery winning from the Denver Zoo. Opening it, I was greeted with congratulations and five codes to redeem.

Now here, someone else might be excited; I won, I won! While I was happy and grateful to win, it only sparked a slight, "oh, cool". All the ideas of a fun time did little to elevate my mood. I hardly even enjoyed the fact that I won something.

I still look forward to going with my boyfriend - we are usually happy to each do our own thing, and it's been a long time since we had a "date" since we live together mostly. I haven't been to the zoo in probably close to a decade. I'm a little unsure what to do with the other 3 codes though.

If family drama wasn't ongoing, I'd think it would be fun for my parents and brother. Particularly my brother. He hasn't been since whenever his last school field trip was years ago. He can't really see, but he likes the sounds and being pushed around in his wheelchair. I thought of my sister and nephews, but what if my brother-in-law wanted to go too; a family day for them? I thought of my boyfriend's sister and her family, but she's probably not up for that right now. I thought of my recently quarantined friend and her husband. And I thought of a Facebook friend - a single mom who I had been in choir with (got roped in by the "pop" concert songs one year and it was the easiest damn class). Her and her son could use two. But then I'd be left with one more. The obvious choice is my boyfriend's best friend.

Thing was, at the time, the tickets were only good for a particular day. Due to Colorado weather, I have since received an extension and can pick one of many days! This also means that whoever I give the remaining codes to doesn't have to go the same day as us, and my boyfriend and I could still have a nice day, just us. But I don't want to make his best friend go alone. That's okay too; it will be nice to go do something we haven't done in a long time either way. I'd rather the codes not go to waste.

But this leaves me with another issue!

What day do we go? I still have to reserve a date and time, as Denver Zoo is limiting entry right now for safety.

The initial day fell before I get my COVID-19 booster and flu shot. With the extension, I can go after the booster and likely a few days of feeling ill. But I had been excited to go before the booster to check out the owls since I am working on an entry for the "Return of the Night Owl" challenge on Vocal.media, and if I wait until after my booster, I won't get to see the owls before the deadline. But I think I'll just research from home and schedule to go after the booster and a few cruddy days - weather permitting. Could be I see another extension for weather. I honestly can't say I recall ever visiting the zoo in January before. Despite the recent colder weather, it's been unusually warm this winter so far. Besides, I don't even know how many - or what kind - of owls they have now.

Any case, that is a recent example of what I mean.

I started writing some things down for the video call. Things I want out of therapy. Examples of the boundary issues that have been present in my life since childhood. I'm not sure how much of the video will be about the actual issues, as it is the first appointment, but I want to try to see what her initial take is on the family drama, especially since I've seen recent activity there.

Whether it's to keep me on the payroll as secondary caregiver for my brother or a smug, "look how quickly you fall apart if mommy isn't here", I'm not sure, but after 4 months of nonpayment, I've seen a deposit into my savings from the company I get paid through. It is never much; I pick up slack hours and only see $70-120 a month. I went through a chunk of my stimulus in the last few months due to stress over the drama, holiday shopping, and a few splurges as I sought to get the therapy ball rolling. As my mother works at the bank, it wouldn't surprise me if she asked someone to check my accounts for her and, seeing how much I've been using, decided to be smug and sort of send a message that, without her, I see nothing coming in currently. I could be wrong, but if it isn't to keep payroll active for me, I really doubt it is her trying to ease the divide.

After all, most of the boundary issues are with her, and she has been just as petty in the past - I can see this simply being a ploy to humiliate me and remind me that she holds that power over me. She handles my payroll, after all.

Either way, I have much to think about as the video call draws near. I feel foolish and ill-prepared. I will continue to think about and write down things throughout the night I'm sure. I might be lucky to get a few hours of rest in, but I'm not so sure. Then again, why not show up with all the effects of waiting? First impressions are important and she'll want to know how bad things are - why not give her a glimpse?

I hope she sends the links a bit early though; I've never done video calls and have no idea how either of my laptops will react. Will they overheat? I don't want to use the loud cooling fan if I can avoid it on the call. I hope there's time for my boyfriend to help me get set.

I'm so nervous. By the time I got off the phone with her after setting the date, my BPM was 130; I can only imagine what it will be tomorrow.

Aside from my writing tonight, I need to line-dry some laundry. I have an indoor rack, so the lateness and weather don't matter. I only mention it because I washed my bandanas earlier, and I need at least one dry for tomorrow for possible tears and snot. Hand sanitizer is set on my desk. I'll have to pick a stuffed animal for comfort. Maybe Grim.

I'm not really ready, but I don't think I ever will be. The time is set and drawing near.

I'm so nervous. I hope she doesn't think I'm stupid. And I hope that reaching out won't prove to be yet another mistake in a long list.

Then again, I guess it's about time. I just have to go; follow through. Tell myself it can only get better, even if I don't believe it.

It's gonna be a long night.