Self-Care Becomes Extremely Difficult During Depression

Self-care is the most difficult when you need it the most, but you have to fake it til you make it and find a way to climb out of the shadows.

This is especially true when faced with an episode of depression where the simplest of tasks like brushing your teeth or taking a shower feel like climbing Mount Everest.

I recently had one of the worst depressive episodes of my life. It was so bad my depressed brain convinced itself that this was how I was going to be for the rest of my life. I couldn’t eat, slept 20 hours a day, was afraid to leave my house, and more of the usual symptoms that accompany depression.

I lost 10 pounds from not eating, was so weak I could barely go up and down the stairs and was living in my head 24/7. As anyone with depression knows, your head is the worst place to live.

Every past mistake haunted me.

Every ache or pain was a life-threatening illness that was going to kill me as soon as I got my life back together.

Everything felt like a threat, I couldn't even look at my phone or go on the computer.

Luckily, like all things, the depression passed.

Previously I had only seen episodes of depression like this after a relapse from alcohol. So this depression, at the 5-week sober mark was unexpected.

However, since I am a freakin expert at depression after years of being tortured by this invisible illness, I knew what I had to do to start climbing out of the abyss.

Depression sucks because it comes when you least expect it, and completely throws a monkey wrench into your life, grinding everything to a halt.

Only you can drag yourself out of these episodes and here's the secret.

You have to fake it til you make it baby!

Mike Tyson once said, “Discipline is doing what you hate to do like you love it.”

This holds for people stuck in depression. All those self-care techniques you added to your life when you felt good are now needed. It’s time to break out those tools and dig yourself out of this depression rut. The discipline you develop when healthy will save you.

You’re going to hate doing anything at first but pretend you love it and do it anyway.

The first step for me in getting over this visit to depression land was a simple morning routine that had completely gone out the window.

No matter how bad I felt, I forced myself to go outside with the dog for a half hour immediately upon waking up. Exercise, play, and time in nature are some of the best things you can do when depressed.

After that, I came home, immediately shaved, showered, got dressed, and cooked a healthy breakfast.

It sounds so simple, but doing these things was such a struggle at the time. It took everything I had to do basic human tasks.

The next thing I did was talk to a sober friend. Feelings are like burps, better out than in. So I discussed all this with my sober friend and he listened and reassured me that all this is a normal part of early sobriety and it will pass.

The only way to get out of your head is to talk to others, preferably people who have been through what you’re going through. This was the biggest help for me and gave me the encouragement needed to do the rest of the things necessary to beat depression once again.

Next came the scariest thing. Leaving my house and going to socialize. Isolating is my default behaviour when I feel bad which is the absolute worst combo. We need human connection more than ever when we are down and out.

So I forced myself to go to some AA meetings. I don’t even like AA meetings and I don’t usually go, but I knew being around people would make me feel like a normal human again so I went and guess what?

It worked.

Going out into the world and talking to people makes your problems feel less significant as you realize there's a whole world out there that doesn’t stop just because you’re depressed. This hurts my ego (just kidding) but it also makes my problems feel smaller and it makes me realize I am not alone in this. We’re all struggling in our own ways.

The next thing was to try and add some fun back into my life. When depression hits all hobbies and activities go out the window, you kind of go into survival mode so playing a video game seems pointless.

I forced myself to play video games with friends, go on hikes with my dad and dog, write about my feelings, and do some skateboarding. None of it was fun at the time but I felt a hell of a lot better after I did them.

At this point I was feeling a lot better and optimism was coming back to me. Mentally I was climbing out of hell but physically I was so weak and malnourished because I hadn’t eaten much in a week.

So I forced myself to eat three healthy meals a day.

“We are what we eat”

This was difficult because all my anxiety manifested in my stomach as nausea so it was a battle. I started with protein shakes and one solid meal of rice, chicken and broccoli.

Eventually, I was eating three solid meals a day and yesterday I had enough energy for a moderate-intensity workout.

Working out has always been my saving grace. I have a theory. If you exhaust your central nervous system enough by lifting weights, you can’t overthink.

“If you exhaust your central nervous system enough by lifting weights, you can’t overthink.”

I don’t know how true this is but it certainly works for me. The calm by followed by vigorous exercise is better than any benzodiazepine and I would know, I’ve tried them all.

So now, a week after my depression came back into my life like Miley Cyrus on a wrecking ball, I am finally back to healthy Patrick. I’m feeling about 90% and am moderately happy, which is the best I can really ask for.

So my point is, that you need to plan for depression relapses. I am a veteran at this so I know exactly what I need to do to beat the invisible illness. However, I didn’t always know this. I’ve developed a list of things I need to do when depressed and they get me out of it every single time.

Just like I have a relapse prevention plan for my alcoholism, I have a similar plan for depression.

So make a list for yourself and when depression hits make sure you do those things. It’s going to suck at first, you’ll hate it, but it will help you.

Most importantly, remember that nothing lasts for ever, including depression. The only constant in this universe is that everything changes. That’s hard to accept for someone who hates uncertainty but it’s a blessing when depressed.

Thanks for reading. I hope this helped you if you’re depressed and if not, I hope it gave you some insight into how insidious depression can be.

Much Love.

Patrick