Scared, hurt, bruised and in pain

***TRIGGER WARNING: The following post discusses sensitive issues including child abuse and trauma. Do not read if this will trigger memories.***

Scared, Hurt, Bruised and In Pain

Nothing Will Ever Be The Same

In a room with a small, metal barred window,

soft sobs, echo beneath a heavy shadow.

Silenced, overpowered in the cot in the dark.

Panting, wet, smelly breath, attacks like a shark.

Piercing thrusts again and again,

stabbing, nauseating waves of pain.

vomiting, bleeding and left to cry.

A satisfied smirk, I can’t understand why.

Scared hurt bruised and in pain

Nothing will ever be the same.

The monster takes me to a huge warehouse

There are strange things everywhere and men I don’t recognise.

Handcuffs and whips hanging in rows,

“Make a sound and you’re dead, hush, no one knows.”

A woman’s whining breaks the silence.

I stare in shock at the scene of a monster’s tortured violence.

She’s naked, tied up, suspended, gyrating and groaning

She stares at me wide eyed, but carries on moaning.

Scared hurt bruised and in pain

Nothing will ever be the same.

Practicing stick against a wall,

in front of the school, come watch me, tell all.

Teachers turning a blind eye.

Little voices keep asking; “What’s going on and why?”

Psychiatrists wondering what is wrong.

What makes a child act this way all year long?

The truth unimaginable for anyone to believe.

Too young to explain, I re-play where I’ve been.

Scared hurt bruised and in pain

Nothing will ever be the same.

No one is seeing the acts of my grief.

Frustration, tantrums ignored without relief.

Sobbing tears into my teddy each night.

I’m rolled in a ball, hidden away, out of sight.

Holding my ears, still hearing their drunken voices.

Things are breaking in earth-shattering noises.

I want to run away from this pain

When is he coming for me again?

Scared hurt bruised and in pain

Nothing will ever be the same.

Grown up professionals force me to lie still,

by holding me down on a bed against my will.

One iron fist on each leg and each arm.

Bellowing whale music to stop me spreading harm.

I try to break free, can’t anyone see?

Day and night I’m faced with vicious debauchery.

I play robot until the monster comes.

The piercing pain hitting me relentlessly like drums.

Scared hurt bruised and in pain

Nothing will ever be the same.

A full moon on a summer’s night.

Lures all the monsters out to fight.

Gathering by the riverside.

Drinking and partying until we arrive.

Chanting, shouting, screaming,

turning it all into a haunted evening.

A young woman, raped and silenced forever,

engrained into eight-year-old me, clinging to life by a tether.

Scared hurt bruised and in pain

Nothing will ever be the same.

Shocking announcement, upheaval in the city.

Her face on the news, she was young and pretty.

Where did she go? Who did she see?

No one knows, except for me.

When the truth is in a young girl’s head

No one’s listening to what my little voice said.

Police empty the dark river water

A woman is found, someone’s beloved daughter.

Scared hurt bruised and in pain

Nothing will ever be the same.

The voices, the threats, the fear, the filth.

Confusing grownup excruciating punishing guilt.

Tortured, abandoned, imprisoned, alone,

no one is hearing my silent moan.

My school friends don’t get me, of that I’m sure,

Only pain and suffering waiting behind each door.

Darkness always comes lurking

when the monsters attack, panting and smirking.

Scared, hurt, bruised and in pain

Nothing will ever be the same.

The years go by, somehow, I grow older.

We move to a town, here everyone is bolder.

Biology class is about to begin.

I study my peers as they come in.

I’m struck by a sudden, sharp stab of pain.

A lighter burning my loins again.

Laughing peers, I’m ridiculed and abused,

Day after day, I’m burned, hit and bruised.

Scared, hurt, bruised and in pain

Nothing will ever be the same.

My locker has been spat on, kicked multiple times.

High school life, exposes me to daily despicable crimes.

My possessions invaded and strewn across the dirty floor.

Ruined clothes, torn pages, my life bleeding out into the corridor.

We don’t want you here, city scum, you don’t belong!

I must be on my guard, stay strong.

The bullies rally, lurking in doors and stairways.

The whole school taking part in my human disgrace.

Scared, hurt, bruised and in pain

Nothing will ever be the same.

Ridiculed, kicked and punched.

Bruises all over, bleeding from each lunge.

The monster attacking at night.

High school bullies carry on their daily fight.

No one is listening, no one can see,

the deep river of pain, running inside of me.

How do I escape from this enforced submission?

When does the law give me my life’s permission?

Scared, hurt, bruised and in pain

Nothing will ever be the same.

Processing into a people packed church.

My first holy communion, decorated in flowers and silver birch.

Gasps and stares at my dripping bloodstained dress.

The monster’s miscarriage is out to impress.

A reminder of my painful silent distress.

How can I ever live down this mess?

I’ve had enough, I’m broken beyond repair.

Can’t anyone see my total despair?

Scared, hurt, bruised and in pain

Nothing will ever be the same.

Turning eighteen and my life can begin,

far away from pain and evil sin.

For years I have dreamed of being set free.

Where do I want my new life to be?

I travel to a faraway land,

where nobody knows me and here, I can plan.

I see a glimmer of what the future can hold,

I have no money, alone and need events to unfold.

Scared, hurt, bruised and in pain

Nothing will ever be the same.

Washing, cleaning, ironing and cooking

I’m a slave again and no one is looking.

Studying at night, hard labor by day.

I have every reason to run away.

I persevere and my plans are slowly realized,

against all odds from a lifetime of harmful advice.

I follow my own heart, I’m young and free.

Can life without pain become true at university?

Scared, hurt, bruised and in pain

Nothing will ever be the same.

I open door after door,

go out in the world, meet people, explore.

Friends come and go, looking to impress,

to have money, image and big success.

I couldn’t care less about power and embellishments,

living free without pain is one of my greatest accomplishments.

No one could ever understand my past.

I choose each step forward, to make sure it lasts.

Scared, hurt, bruised and in pain

Nothing will ever be the same.

I’m married and loved by another.

I have children, I’m a wonderful mother.

I have friends and a new family.

I care about everyone I meet and see.

And treasure each day as it happens to be.

I’m so lucky to be alive.

That somehow, I found it within me, to survive.

My name is Lizzy. I’m a trauma survivor, a wife, a mom, a teacher and an author. I write about what it’s like to live after trauma. For more about me: www.elizabethwoodsauthor.com

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