Roots

It's another cold Thursday morning, work eludes me, and as I tinker around in my thoughts the mundane becomes the forgotten. Yesterday was a day of memories, a day of joy, and a day of deep, deep thoughts. I somehow managed to find some very old photographs of myself from when I must have been around 5 years old, and although I had a giggle at the combed hair and cute smile, it soon had me staring at that innocent face and wishing that I could protect that child from the lashings of life.

Last night when I got into bed I spent a good amount of time thinking about and summarizing the last odd 34 years, categorizing the days like an income statement, gains and losses, hopes and dreams like some kind of pro forma projection that I had to uphold and achieve. But despite my efforts of trying to build a puzzle with a hundred missing pieces, I kept on stumbling back to that photograph, and I realized that somehow I had become detached in the time it took for a thousand sunrises and sunsets to go by between then and now.

I wish I can say that it's been an easy ride, but it hasn't. I wish I could say that I finally understand the mechanics of life, but somehow the gears inside me still doesn't want to turn in rhythm with what's on the outside. One thing I do know is that freeing yourself from the soil you think you have to be planted in would be the unequivocal answer to what you may need to finally grow, and that I no longer long for my roots to grow where it's easy, but that I have learnt to love and cherish the bits of soil and rainwater that sustains me on the rock where I have come to rest.

As I took another look at that photograph this morning, my heart spoke in so many ways that it never has before...

Dear Child

Today you are 5 years old, bright eyed and innocent, your fascination being the world that seems so big for a little heart. Soon life will start changing and that fascination will grow into a yearning to return. Life is going to get scary, and dark, and lonely, and you'll be spending a lot of time in that head of yours. Dad will leave soon, and so will mom, but someday they'll be back and although you will never understand what it was that changed a normal day into a broken way, you'll make it through and see them again through eyes of love and understanding. During this time some difficult things will happen to you and your body, be it by people and circumstances your innocence will be taken away and will take a long time to process.

You will find a best friend and she will be with you for 27 years, the saving grace that will absorb the punches with you, all that will be left of her is a goodbye letter and an obituary, but you will cherish the memories and this will drive you to excel in success and effort. People will come and go and your heart will be broken when it turns out that you were not meant to be the princess in the white dress, but the storyteller instead. It will get harder before it gets easier, and then hard again because men will disappoint you and leave behind the breadcrumbs of mistrust in your gut, but you will learn that your gut is always right and that men too are not perfect.

The hard parts will leave you with anger and resentment, but you will soon see that God has filled your wounds with his grace, He will bless you with beautiful children and you'll get to kiss their soft cheeks and feel the rawness of unmatched love when they simply love you for who you are. They will fill your days with joy and purpose and your heart will become soft again because you'll realize that being the storyteller gives you the advantage of teaching them about the wonder and beauty of life, even when it's broken.

You will make peace with the fact that people will enter and exit your existence and for them too you'll be thankful. Most of all - you will find comfort in knowing that someday someone won't leave and patience will become a familiar asset.  And finally, with time you will come to know that nothing defines you any more and that you are able to achieve anything that you so desire, this will be your growth, this will be you...