Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria

I have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria and I used to be a majorly timid people-pleaser, the proverbial obedient good girl who did what she was told and needed to be praised or else felt like she was failing.

Rarely was I ever praised or credited, and no matter how good I was it was never good enough.

I still struggle with some things, but I've been able to work through a few after years of extensive therapy.

The red circles are things I still struggle with, but the green are things I've overcome and yet this week I've dealt with a lot of RSD due to my deafness and how prejudiced people in the professional world have been to me of lately.

I experienced discrimination more than once in the last week, and like usually, every time I speak up about it I AM the one regarded with the issue and then left feeling rejected for something I have to disclose in order to work with them, and makes me a DEI who is now damned if I do and damned if I do not.

Life is so incredibly hard for neurodivergent creatives as it is, but of course I got to be deaf on top of it despite being fully fluent and bilingual in two languages and having multiple degrees and credentials - people still treat me like I am the problem in their ableist mentalities.

And now we get to lose Medicaid and Food Stamps.

Someone asked me why I do feel like this? When I told them I don't feel anyone genuinely cares about me, and that my only propelling forward comes from the self-love I forced myself to create.

In all reality, I don't think anyone likes me, loves me or would even care if I quit breathing in the next forty minutes.

This is what it is like to be disabled, deaf, and neurodivergent for people like me. RSD is serious, and the old me used to be suicidal over it; thank God I found a good therapist because this world doesn't give a goddamn about others by any measure whatsoever and will fault you for things you have no control over at every damn turn.

These are the kinds of thoughts I still struggle with, but at least I am informed of my issues, right?

I've come to the conclusion that mostly no one likes me.

But guess what?

I don't care anymore now that I finally love myself.

I have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. This is a part of my life no matter what. Can't change, must accept it.

But that doesn't mean I don't sometimes think these things:

"People don't regularly check in on me."

"They don't regularly talk to m. I lose followers just about as fast as I gain them."

Then I got to rationalize to myself by saying, "I stay steadily at the same level mostly everywhere because of it. So, those steady people do obviously like me, but most people come and go..."

"Nobody likes me enough to stick around and genuinely give a damn."

"But there are a rare few that do, and I appreciate them. However, they're also busy with their lives. I don't have anyone I can just regularly talk to. Sometimes I can post something and days will go by w/o anyone ever engaging with it."

"In the moments I have the darkest thoughts, no one is ever there

no matter whom says they will be."

"So...I had to learn to love me and rely on me. I'm the only one who gives a damn about my existence."

"Every last man I ever was with or entertained showed me that.

People I thought were close friends and would always be there, mostly have fallen away or shown me they are low vibrational and toxic, so I had to move away."

"I don't have a close set of friends. I'm just here, and someone others seek out when they need wisdom and advice. And that's it."

"That's who I am to others. Just someone to talk to when they need a list of good movies, or some life hack."

And then I go and find a way to cope because while these things are a part of me, they won't define me, and if you perceive them as life-defining and knowing me, you're the one missing out.

That's the reward of good therapy, shadow work, and self-love...it's not that it suddenly goes away.

It's that you learn to move past it and love yourself anyway.

#RSD #rejectionsensitivedysphoria #adhd #audhd #Deafness #ableism #speakupspeakout #disabledadvocacy #AmericansWithDisabilitiesAct