Reaching Out

I sat there, completely blank. I looked down, the page completely blank.

How many times had I sat down, determined to open up, free myself from the 'inner turmoil'? How many times had I been told that I wasn't trying hard enough?

I'll tell you now, that I was trying bloody hard. It's not difficult to sit down, open the diary, uncap the pen and put pen to the page but spilling out and opening up, even to an inanimate object, is hard. In all honesty, I felt like the page in front of me: blank. Other than emotionless scribbles and aggressive memos, there was no creativity left.

Depression hadn't just robbed be of living a normal life, it'd now taken my imagination. The only thing I thought would keep me on this stupid planet had disappeared.

Now. Hello, beautiful people.

I won't say my outlook has changed on life. I'm still as useless and worthless as I was a month ago, but my approach has. I'm happy to say it was a friend, yes I am surprised that I've managed to keep one. I really am a miserable git.

He reached out.

A hedgehog. A hedgehog in a cute little woolen hat. A small but necessary video was that olive branch, I needed, to know that someone was out there for me. It brought me a smile and it made the day a lot easier.

The fear is always that people will judge and be unkind or you'll blow another relationship. You'll lose something else. But in reality, I'd rather that warm hug or kind phrase of validation than the hurt which you repeat over and over in a cold, heartless piece of bloody paper. I find that my diary gives me the release but it's just as bad as a cut: it leaves just as painful a scar. Those pages hold words that I know I will never look back on in comfort but ones that'll trigger and taunt. And I know, that trusting, even the closest to you, is hard and painful because they're the ones who can hurt you the most but once in a while, you need to jump into the unknown and put faith in those who are yet to hurt you.

Reach out.

I spent months in lockdown, waiting for someone to show that they care and once it happened I began to help myself. But the problem is, that in the time, I spiraled. The damage was done.

Reach out.

For you. For someone else. I'll mean so much. Reach out.

I've experienced some really hard times recently and as much as the journey can only end with you, you can't do it alone. And the sad thing is, lots of people are alone.

Reaching out was the kindness I needed. I was directionless and the only way I seemed to be moving was downwards, into the darkness. I'd tried all the first defenses and knowing I'd had a bad thought didn't hep eliminating it. I was still there. Distractions became pointless and empty, like me and there was no way out. Until there was.

I'm happy to say, friend, that I have plans for the future. I have hope. My tree is growing as I reach out and share the kindness.

I'm not cured. My problems are not solved. But they could be, sooner or later doesn't matter, because the sheer fact that there is now hope because of kindness is, frankly, a miracle.