Hi so I thought I would use this platform to write a book about my ramblings. First off let me introduce myself - because my life sounds perfect . I am a mum to three beautiful children, a wife to the most wonderful husband ever, I thought I had my dream job while studying further. I moved from South Africa to the UK. I have indoor pet bunnies that help me smile on a daily basis.
But two weeks ago my mind nearly snapped. It had been a build up of a year of pressure, a loss of a job, my teen daughters being teen daughters, me causing financial stress on my family just to study further to make myself better, and low self esteem.
it was a Thursday night, I was feeling so low the whole day, I felt like I was ruining my family's life. I was the worst thing in the whole world and not worth a thing, - this was my thinking. without a job I have no idea how my family are going to survive. I was unemployed from August the 31st and had lost a job that was lined up for the first of September. I had had enough and was worth nothing.
on Thursday night just before bed with an absolutely broken heart and feeling so very low I looked at my stash of pain pills and thought to myself if maybe I just take a few more than needed I would just fall asleep and die. Then everything would be fixed, I wouldn't be heartsore anymore, My husband would get money to be able to pay off the debt that I had caused. I wouldn't need to worry about applying for ILR and the fees associated with it. I just wanted it all to stop. I also just wanted work to stop picking out every single little mistake. I was tired. I had the tablets on my bed. I was ready.
However images flashed before my eyes, I remembered the pain of suicide that it leaves behind, I remembered the most important things in my life, I realised I wanted to watch my children grow up. All of these images of what I didn't want to miss out on came flashing in my head came up,
I grabbed my car keys, walked downstairs and told my husband that I was about to take a whole lot of pills, but i didn't, and I know that i needed help but it was not something he could help with, I needed the hospital.
I drove myself there in tears, still wanting the pain to end but not in the way I planned. I wanted help
Chapter 2: Hospital experience coming soon
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