Pregnant & Battling Depression

Firstly, it’s more than likely that I’ve carried depression and mood disorders my entire life. Surpressed for certain occasions, certain emotions. However, pregnancy, although has been a completely miracle and joyous time, has heightened my depression and anxiety immensely. I find myself playing out scary and fearful situations through my head on a daily basis, casually. It’s terrifying! Usually it’s myself in a car accident or worrying about my S/O on his way back home. Practically anytime he holds me and showers me with love I begin to sob in tears and worry relentlessly about him. After all, he’s my soulmate and my bestfriend. I couldn’t make it through everyday life without him. Whatever it may be it’s never easy for me, it’s paralyzing. When riding in the car with loved ones it’s become common for me to panic and “make a scene” practically anytime any other cars are nearby or if at a busy intersection. It’s become pretty embarrassing I have to admit! Grabbing the door handle, pushing myself back, and preparing for the hyperventilating scene. But keep in mind though if you will, I was in a car accident just last year and although nobody was hurt I often believe that it did cause PTSD to a degree. I do believe becoming a mom has hightened those fears and anxieties though. On top of being pregnant, you’re basically not only responsible for yourself but for another person who is completely dependent upon you. No pressure!

As far as depression goes it’s been a whirl-wind of emotions since early weeks of pregnancy. I didn’t find out I was pregnant until about week 5 or 6, honestly felt too good to be true. I was previously married with a psychopath however had no success at getting pregnant. It honestly led me to believe that I could possibly be unable to have children. That’s always been a huge fear of mine also! Regardless, getting pregnant felt like a dream come true and a miracle. Embarrassingly though, mental breakdowns have been a little more constant lately leaving me struggling with issues that well, I couldn’t say I would even remember in 5 years! Not to mention working... whoever implanted the idea that customer service, work from home jobs were easy breezy, definitely left out a few key details. Although it’s completely suitable for new parents that opt out of daily child care (like me!) being pregnant, emotional, casually depressed, while suffering anxieties make it extremely difficult to want to “go to work” and deal with a million people with their millions of problems that all somehow believe you should be able to fix. FYI, working customer service has led me to believe that the human race is both liars and clueless! Amazes me how many people actually call us, wait an estimated 15 minutes on hold, asking questions that could take about 20 seconds to Google!

Anyways, this is my TotalMomTalk blog and although pregnancy has been miraculous. Excluding the thousands of pee breaks at night, high emotions, and constant rollercoaster of breakdowns, sometimes it does help to reach out. To talk about....(eww) feelings. This ride isn’t an easy one and often times there are so many women out there going through the same things, we all need a friendly reminder from time to time that we’re not alone in this! Don’t get me wrong, my S/O is SOOO supportive and incredible, the best man ever. But that’s just the thing, MAN. As much as he supports me and helps me through this there will always be a degree of him that’s unable to relate or to understand certain elements to the pregnancy or certain affects. We all need a helping hand and need eachother now more than ever! Stay safe out there mommas!