Post Partum Depression

So, I’m not the best writer. But...I think I need to share some of the fun I’ve been experiencing over the past year and a half.

Long story short, I guess it all begins with my husband; a handsome, stellar man whom I wanted to be with for a long time. He wanted the same. After a few years of not talking, this angel of a man popped back into my life and it was fireworks from the get! ....Shortly after starting to date, surprise! I’m pregnant!!

2 weeks in. That’s how long we waited (or didn’t wait, haha). Although this would be daunting to many new relationships, we welcomed the surprise with open arms, excitement, and love. We were especially happy to give my husband’s daughter, from a previous relationship, a sister!

I started a new job as a registered nurse in the intensive care unit upon graduating from nursing school, basically the exact same time as reconnecting with my now husband. It was challenging working while pregnant as I was one of the lucky few to vomit on an hourly basis for 9 months straight. But, my self confidence, drive, emotional health, and relationship flourished during these times! My husband even proposed and we got married at the court house (lovely Covid).

Life was perfectly amazing! I was so excited to be a new mom with my perfect, hubby! I was ready! I had wanted a baby for a couple years at this point and felt I was ready because of my financial position and the partner I had.

..................

I wasn’t ready. Not for what developed over the next 6 months. It would prove to be the hardest thing I have ever gone through. (Ive been held at gun point, locked up as a juvenile, and had child protective services take me from both parents’ homes, just to name a few things.)

POST PARTUM DEPRESSION

I do not have a good definition of post partum depression. I think you will get a great understanding as you follow my story. A sneak peak of what is to come.....

Anxiety, like the kind you get when you are sitting in a kitchen and the velociraptor is tapping his toe next to you.

Feeling as if I never had a baby, even though I physically have my child in my arms and a big c-section scar on my lower abdomen.

Being afraid to hold own child because of some deep seeded overwhelming feelings I don’t understand.

Feeling like I will never get a break.

Having panic attack in front of strangers and on the highway.

Having panic attacks at friends houses.

Taking sleeping pills and driving who knows where while in a rageful screaming session with myself.

Losing 50lbs in 3 months from still being afraid to eat from 9 months of straight vomiting.

Having jealous rageful arguments regarding my husband’s ex, whom I have always gotten along with.

Feeling like the ugliest person in the world after reaching pre baby weight in record time, even though I was the most self confident woman I knew before the baby.

Being afraid to leave the house. I don’t know why.

Having bad social anxiety.

Waking up my husband in the middle of the night, screaming at him because I’m sad for no reason and crying alone on the back porch at 3am.

Being told that I am no longer allowed to watch my children alone.

Being overwhelmed with two children...while having a NANNY! Ha ha

Scaring the nanny with emotional mood swings, threatening our only child care option.

Trying to jump out of a truck on a busy road.

Feeling like I am 100% alone, while my husband is crying for me to come back to him.

Not knowing who I am anymore. Losing every bit of self identity and confidence that I had worked my whole life to gain.

Anywho, I hope these posts reach someone in need. I’m sick of hiding this PPD just because no one wants to talk about it. Is it embarrassing? Kinda. Is it me? No. I was a different person before my baby. But, I’m sure I will get back to the old me in time. So, yeah. I’ll talk about all the things that other people are too uncomfortable to talk about because we have some stigma regarding how a new mom is supposed to feel. Accompany me on my journey through the “happiest” moments of my life.

Thanks for checking this post out

Next in this series: Giving birth during a pandemic