My Experiences With Death

*Content warning: Descriptions of dead animals*

When I was a teenager in high school I worked as a veterinary technician’s assistant. Believe me when I tell you there was absolutely nothing glamorous about this job. I had the grunt-iest of grunt work there was, which typically involved shit or piss (or both). While it was pretty gross it also had its moments. I’ve always loved animals so getting to see loads of them every day made it worth something. However, I was not prepared for how often I would have to work alongside death.

Of course working at a vet would mean seeing death, but I didn’t just see it. I was the one who dealt with the after portion as well. I was responsible for getting the bodies into bags and putting them in the freezer to prepare for their cremations. It never got easier doing this, but the sad part is that I started to get used to it after awhile. That never stopped me from dreading seeing a euthanasia on the schedule for the day, though.

Cats were easier. They were lighter which made it slightly less difficult to get them inside the bags. What they tell you about the bodily functions after death is 100% true. I experienced a lot more pee than I did poop. And when people say “lifeless” boy do they mean it. When something is dead it means dead in every sense of the word. It doesn’t feel real anymore. The animal that was alive moments ago feels like a completely different creature than what it ends up as. It also becomes much harder to move as it is simply weight and nothing more. The way their heads would loll to the side always disturbed me.

The process of getting them into the bag was always rough no matter the animal. I always tried to treat them with respect as I would want someone to treat the remains of one of my pets. This was extremely difficult when it came to heavier dogs. I’ve never liked asking for help at work as I felt it made me seem less competent. So, I did what I had to in order to get the bagged animal to the freezer. In the awful cases where I could not carry the bag by hand I had to drag them. This always pained me and even writing about it makes me cringe. I took zero delight in this form of disrespect but I had to do it. The freezer was the end goal and it had to be done.

There was one day that I was tasked with keeping a sick kitten alive. Throughout the day I heated up blankets and wrapped it around the baby. I spoke to it and tried comforting it the best I could. Its owners arrived later that day to speak with the team. While they were there the kitten started tanking. It was dying and the vet worked tirelessly to keep it alive. When all hope seemed lost I saw it’s body moving. It was alive! I rushed to the room with its owners and told them the good news. The woman began crying tears of joy. As I rushed back out the vet was no longer working on the cat. Turns out, what I had seen were death spasms. The body was getting its final movements in, and I had just delivered false hope to its owners. I was utterly ashamed of myself and upset that nobody had warned me not to tell the owners. That day I learned never to run my mouth unless asked.

I did not work there long. My experiences actually turned me away from the veterinary field altogether. I had seen people ask to have their animals put down for petty reasons, and almost asked to just adopt the animals myself rather than see them be put down. I got to see the worst sides of owning an animal. I will never forget these experiences and will always remember to value the time I have with my pets.

Death is not a question mark in life. Death is a period.