Parvabotranimaliphobia

It hasn't been named yet, so I'm doing it. And by the power of Science, being the first, it is mine to name!

See the word “thagomizer.” These things happen.

So, what is this mouthful of a word, you may ask? You've seen the “-phobia” part, so you know it's one of the fearful things. Appropriate time of year to post this, I think.

It's the fear of large clusters of small critters. Insects, usually.

Those nasty clouds of gnats? Swarms of mosquitoes? Even hundreds of those harmless (to humans, anyway) diving beetles that swirl away from movement, beause they're so fragile in their in-between environment? If a single drop of water actually touches them through their protective diving bell of air, they're toast.

So many fleas our legs were black up to our knees? Enough ladybugs to fill half a trash can, and three inches thick all around the other half? Thousands of dragonflies swarming a car? Tens of thousands of butterflies in a field of wildflowers? Hundreds of thousands of mayflies?

My poor husband has been through all of the above, and I've helped him through the breakdowns afterward. I get it, and it's quite real.

My husband is quite a believer in “should.” The way things “should” work, the way a conversation “should” go, the way that people “should” drive. He likes his predictability, and when that doesn't happen, he gets more than a little wigged out.

Now multiply that by factors of hundreds, or thousands, or millions, and you can see why poor hubs has had some disturbing experiences.

Even the butterflies. I've never seen so many in one place before! It was beautiful, but even too much beauty can be a nerve-wracking thing.

I was so proud of him when we visited the Insectorium, because he was such a trooper through half the rooms. The indoor bee hive did him in, and I can see why. It had been building for a while. But he petted a tarantula, and I give him full props for still being married to me. (I raise caterpillars in the summer, and he delightedly helps. Not a swarm, so he loves being that close to their fragile fluttery happiness. And chompy frassy caterpillar-iness.)

The worst was the mayflies though, because we'd just been in an accident on a bridge and our poor van was totaled by an F-150. The just-turned-eighteen-and-was-looking-at-her-phone person behind the wheel wasn't pleased to hear her mom's car was totaled too. Good van, that'll do, you are sorely missed. The whole bridge was coated in them. If you ever Google “mayflies wrightsville bridge daily mail,” the story still pops up (we're the second story. Yes, we ARE the one the Daily Mail warned you about.) Of course, we were the last accident, because the council decided they did an oopsie and began to shut off the lights during mating time, when the swarms arrived. Thanks guys, for not helping us, and not even writing up the incident report properly so we could, like, get a new vehicle. Petty bureaucratic weasels. You don't THINK anyone was injured?? My back begs to differ. And the nerves in my foot.

Yes, the mayflies were worse than the fleas. Fleas were much easier to deal with, a vacuum and soap and water and a scary cold night in a childhood bed clinging to each other like no lovers have ever clung before with lines of flea powder inscribed like warding spell circles around bed, both sides of door, and down the hall. (Let's just say his parents were frigging idiots and leave it at that.)

It doesn't seem to scale down, because beach sand grains are so small it looks like one huge thing. It also doesn't seem to translate up to larger things, because those trajectories can be anticipated. Like murmurations of starlings, for instance. He actually quite likes those. So that's the main reason why it's small things, with unanticipated trajectories. Just big enough to be perceivable, not big enough to be able to track individually.

Also, Unanticipated Trajectories will be the name of my new band. Look for my new single, Stay the Heck Outta My Eyes, come spring.

But until then, enjoy this mouthful of a word, and hopefully it won't unlock a new fear level for you.