On Procrastination

If you have come here looking for a solution to this problem, I'm afraid you won't find one here because I am not there yet myself. Procrastination is a hard thing to deal with, and you usually get it in a bundle along with frustration, guilt, depression, anxiety, stress, among others. As I write this article, I am struggling against it and ignoring the overwhelming amount of other things I should be doing right now. Unless you have experienced procrastination firsthand, it will be hard to understand the extent of the damage it can cause. Therefore I'm here to give you an idea on how it works, and how it feels.

Imagine you wake up in the morning. It's a nice day, the sun is out, (or it's cloudy, depending on what your perspective of a nice day is) you feel well, rested and happy. You wake up, go to the washroom to freshen up and come back to your room. As you do, you see your phone, still connected to the charger. You grab the device with the intention of checking the hour, and see a couple notifications waiting for you. Nothing important really, just a bunch of new posts from a celebrity you follow on Instagram, maybe a message from one of your friends responding to the conversation you left unfinished last night, and a couple of other irrelevant stuff. Without thinking, you unlock your phone and check those notifications, then go to another app, and then another. You end up sitting or laying on your bed again, two hours into watching random YouTube videos.

Suddenly, your stomach begins grunting, begging for breakfast. You finally get up, leaving your phone on the bed in the hopes that you will not get distracted with it again. As you walk towards the kitchen, you pass through the living room and see that unfinished book on top of the coffee table, waiting for you. You make a mental note, promising yourself that you will pick it up again today. As you get into the kitchen, you see a pile of dishes soaking on the sink. The water is now filthy because it's been two days since you put them there. Another mental note: as soon as you finish your breakfast, you will wash them and clean up. You grab the only clean pan you have left and prepare some scrambled eggs, quick and easy because you are already hungry and all you want is some food in your system.

You also want coffee, but the coffee dripper is in the sink, soaking in that turbid liquid. You think about washing the dishes there and then, but decide against it, because you are hungry and anyway you will have to wash the stuff you used to make breakfast too, so you should wait. You prepare some stale soluble coffee, which is not the best, but you won't complain. As you sit down, you think about watching that new episode of your favourite series on Netflix just so you don't get bored. It will only be one, no problem. You grab your laptop and open the website. Fast forward to 5 PM. Dishes are still not done, your back hurts for sitting in an uncomfortable position for a long time and you laptop turns off due to the lack of battery. You look around as reality sinks in, and you begin to feel the frustration and anger building up inside. It's already late, you haven't done anything productive, and all of the chores and deadlines you have due come into your mind, crashing one against the other like a car accident on a busy highway. You get up, trying to control the anxiety, and grab your laptop, heading to your bedroom in order to charge it, promising yourself that as soon as it turns on again, you will finally get some work done. As you enter the room, you see your phone on the bed. There might be more notifications now, or maybe someone tried contacting you. Either way, you should check, just to make sure. You take a deep breath and make a mental note: as soon as the laptop is charged, you will begin working. You connect it and sit on the bed. Without thinking, you grab the phone and unlock it.

Now, I want you to imagine this on loop. Of course it does not need to be the same, you can put any variations in it, but the result is the same. No productivity, frustration and self-hate because of it, depression caused by the disappointment, and so on. It is an unfortunate story, don't you agree? This is my day-to-day, and I'm sure I am not alone in this experience. I sometimes wish procrastination was as simple as laziness, when the reason why you don't get things done is because you simply don't feel like it. Procrastination is not even a monster that grabs you against your will and forces you to be lazy. Some people would describe it as a sexy demon who seduces you into focusing on everything but the actual thing you are supposed to be doing. For me, it's like my mind goes blank. There are moments in which I grab my phone because I need to google something real quick, and once I'm in, I see something interesting and my mind forgets what it came for in the first place. Not only that, but as soon as you are able to get back into the real world again, the amount of pressure from deadlines, assignments, work stuff or even personal goals you haven't accomplished is overwhelming and it feels like your very soul is being crushed.

There have even been times when I have tried to convince myself that procrastination is in reality my superpower: I can pull out some awesome all-nighters for essays and assignments at University. Mostly, I would have to blame some dude whose name I don't remember, who gave a Ted Talk once about how procrastination wasn't "so bad." But that will not solve my problem, and it's what constantly kills me. You can be aware of what is happening, and you can know the names and descriptions of every problem you have, but the awful part is not knowing how to prevent them from eating you alive. This is a scary thought for me. This past summer was the first time I was able to live completely by myself. I had so many plans on how I was going to spend my free time learning new hobbies, reviving some old ones and finally working on my own projects for the future. None of it happened. In a way, 2020 was a lost year for me, not only because of the pandemic, but because even thought I had the tools to do everything I was aiming for, I didn't do it.

And from that moment until now, I have asked myself this question over and over. What is going to happen when I finally have to fend for myself? When I need to be independent and without any help from my family? When I need to keep my job in order to gain a steady income that will allow me food and a roof on my head? I'm sure I will find a way to figure it out somehow. I've always done that. The problem is how painful it is, thinking that I might die without feeling accomplished or proud of myself. And I sometimes wonder if I will ever be able to get out of this hole. Again, this article is not meant to show a life-changing solution to procrastination, but rather a hint on how reality often is for people who procrastinate. I am not able to afford therapy at the moment, and I would love to understand what is wrong with me. Maybe someday I will be able to solve the puzzle and break the chains that hold me, but until then all I can do is keep trying.