Neurodivergent Dogpile

My mind is in what seems like constant warfare. I’m autistic, with obsessive compulsive disorder diagnosed. Highly suspected ADHD, living on a sundae of anxiety, depression and trauma. There’s no sprinkles though, there’s not really any cherries either, just the stems from so many “and the cherry on top…” scenarios. The sundae of my mind has kind of melted into a goop soup of mental illness and disorder. I also had to spend most of my life not realizing what flavors were even in my sundae. For a long time I thought that it was only one flavor, the autism spectrum of rainbow sherbet.

Okay enough about the ice cream shop comparisons, I just didn’t realize that growing up for me also meant peeling back the layers of my mind. My mind was already complicated enough by being autistic, living in some kind of ignorant bliss that that particular part of my mind was why I did things the way I did. Just one, solid, “easy” answer. It was never easy though, and it was never quite solid. Even today as a middle aged adult, I’m still learning new things about myself as an autistic person alone, not even adding in all of the comorbidities. Imagine hitting your thirties and finding out there is ANOTHER major answer to why you are the way you are. It felt like walls came tumbling down when I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It was as if someone found a whole secret library of knowledge in a hidden room in their home. I could explain circumstances from my childhood and understand now why I did them. Compulsions and fears I bullied myself for had an answer, they weren’t just me being strange or some alien figure. There were answers in the strange chaos of my psyche.

Like many, my understanding of OCD was plagued by misconceptions and stereotypes. I thought people with OCD all were clean freaks with number fixations and things. I had no idea that there are MANY subtypes of OCD including but not limited to - contamination, harm, counting, scrupulousity (religious OCD), false memory, hoarding… there are even a handful of OCD subtypes dealing with pregnancy and postpartum. OCD is not a monolith, it doesn’t have one solid example. It manifests in different subtypes for different people, some people may experience many OCD subtypes, like myself. Some people may only experience one. As I thought about my childhood, actions had names and reasons. I had a period of time where I could not eat frito chips because the idea of them made me sick. I was able to trace it to a moment in my childhood where I thought a fingernail ended up in my sandwich with some Fritos. It was all I could think about, it was consuming me even as a four year old. I couldn’t eat spaghettios for a while because I was watching a wrestling match with my older brother and a wrestler began bleeding, so I feared there was blood in my food… blood from a prerecorded match stayed away somehow wound up in my food. Instances like this somehow made sense, dozens of experiences I could not explain were now written out, like a map to better understand who I was and who I am now. The intrusive thoughts had a name now, and I could work on them. I discovered that mg excessive need to have clean hands and nails wasn’t just a sensory issue because of being autistic, but also fears of contaminating my food.

On a daily basis, I am unlocking more and more of my own mind and finding ways to wave a white flag now and then to stop my disorders from battling each other. I know they will always be battling in some way or another. I have intrusive thoughts to eat or touch things I shouldn’t, which then send my mind into a sensory overload because I think so intensely and detailed about the items being in my mouth or hands, no matter how disgusting. I am sensory seeking autistic and love to go to amusement parks to ride rides that fulfill that sensory seeking. However, sometimes being around people can not just trigger the social anxiety aspects of my autistic experience, but also my harm & contamintion OCD. It’s trying to get the cacophony in my mind to play the quiet game for a bit so I can at least enjoy myself for a few moments.

I’m starting to understand that my mind isn’t like a complete map with detailed directions, legible by everyone. My mind is more something like the Winchester House, a massive sprawling estate with so many added rooms and doorways to nowhere. It doesn’t make sense to the average bystander, but the more I wander around the property of my mind, the more I discover, the more I understand the how and the why. Why I do and did things the way I did in the past, what triggers them, what causes me to burnout easiest, what sort of people cause me to mask and therefore stress myself more. So many answers to help understand the layout of the estate of disorders in my brain.

The most important lesson I have learned as a neurodivergent person is there is nothing wrong with me, I am not a freak of nature or some wicked, devious villain. I am just wired differently. My programming is just not the same. My brain doesn’t work like the “average” person, and the more I learn about how and why, the more I learn how to make my programming compatible even in systems it’s not built for. I’m learning to adapt in ways that don’t just placate others but help me genuinely soothe and heal. My brain might be a neurodivergent dog pile, but I’m taking each feral beast into my arms and finding the best way to get through to them. This is me, neurodivergent and all.