Negativity Killing My Vibe

Everyone says that America has bad reputation for new immigrants. My husband because of his skin tone he fears he will be beaten and killed by corrupted police, and government officials in power. Yet he is willing to put his fears aside to make sure we can both have a good life in America. His fears are common though racism is everywhere.

My favorite Youtuber from wicked confessions has this thing going on "Bake her my bestie challenge."

I will tell you there is no bestie material for me between my mother in-law and I. She is a monster there are other ways she can discipline her my nephew yet her automatic way is to raise her hand to him. Lately she has been in a mood for two days and treating my favorite in-law like scum.

I keep having nightmares of her and I arguing resulting with her hostility.

"Emily you don't have children don't tell me how I should treat Zac."

This results in my tears, "I was pregnant, so I would know about being a mom."

In my nightmare while my husband calms me down and doesn't get angry with me like he normally does.

Matter of fact, I know this will never be my reality. My husband will always correct me on my anger, show me how I should treat people. It annoys me so much.

October 6, 2022

For the first time I got to share with my husband how I truly feel. It's never easy to open up for me.

October 7, 2022

Lately, my husband and I have been arguing a little more then usual. We keep talking as if we already have children talking about how we will raise them. Ending up in arguments about how we would raise them.

What I don't agree with is how he said he would beat my children with the (belt) when disciplining them. I was mistreated in my old situations I don't want my children going through the same thing.

With anger in discipling its never a good idea.

We ended up arguing about it, for half the day. Something I never wanted but when my passion for a subject comes I had to draw the line.

I can't keep taking this anymore our difference in how we raise our children is to much we have to figure out a common ground.

So after figuring out the common ground it felt good I refuse to let us use a belt or paddle, hands only or pinching. Nothing more, because in the heat of anger a belt or paddle can easily turn into abuse.

And if he thinks I won't defend my babies or reversed he is mistaken.

In times of situations like this, I really wished I had a cigarette I really grow upset and just need a this and walk away.

On a side note, while I was on the bus with my husband I had a clumsy moment and bumped my head so hard I have a small knot on my head.

My husband didn't laugh at me I think he was more concerned about me. If we were all alone he would definitely laugh after he knew I was okay.

I just don't understand why I put up with this, his mother is annoying and overbearing. I never had a mother so I never had anything I was missing out on. Yet she keeps treating me like I'm her daughter rather then daughter in-law. To this day, I can't stand it.

Funny thing is I have no animosity towards my father in-law because he welcomed me with open arms.

We introduced each other, spoke a few minutes and instantly he saw how much I make his son happy, smiled.

"Welcome to the family Mrs. Aurelien."

This felt so good to me, but she never once welcomed me. I still think if she didn't have to she wouldn't have only seen me once a year and been happy with that.

But no in the end the woman apologized said how wrong she was, then said something she would say.

"Emily the only reason why I have to like you is because I don't want to lose my son."

Yes I was waiting for that. She was has to do that.

So here I am in Saint Lucia trying to earn money to go back buy a car, rent an apartment, get another job, and file for my husband so he can be a US Green Cardholder.

Nevertheless, I love my husband and staying in his family house so I have to be attempt to survive make things easier for myself and him.

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