Narcissists and Society

In this tragic state of school shootings, women being killed by their partners frequently, constant news of corruption in our family courts and movies and music industries, Child Protective Services, Police, Social Workers, the foster-care system, political offices (all of which serve as processors and purveyors of pedophilia and child sex trafficking), we are desperate for the "reasons."

As the divorce rates sky-rocket and the economy crumbles we search for the reason, the cause. We blame narcissists, psychopaths, and sociopaths and we are, in part, right to do so. However, identifying, blaming, figuring out the reasons is only the first step in making changes.

Narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths are DSM-5, Axis 2 character disturbances on the anti-social spectrum, and all of them are comprised of people who do not have a super-ego or conscience and therefore cannot feel or experience empathy. However, if we seek change, we need to stop the horror, terminate the devastation, and we need to educate ourselves on the origin of the problem. Without education and understanding of how we ended up in this appalling state of humanity, we are destined to continue and repeat the same. Blaming does not lead to action, it acts as a distraction. Instead, we need to identify the root of the problem and take action to resolve it.

Not everyone is a narcissist and it is wrong to throw the term around. There are plenty of assholes who lie, cheat, do not pay child support, are manipulative, and are just plain nasty. This does not make them a narcissist or a psychopath. Narcissists have a chronic and pervasive pattern of behavior. They can best be identified by a licensed mental health specialist; however, due to the problems they cause, people are inclined to seek help when they believe they have been targeted by a narcissist. Frankly, when a person acts without a conscience, it becomes quite clear quickly that their behavior is not "normal;" however, it is best to leave the diagnosing to the specialists. At the end of the day, abusive behavior is just that and it does not matter what diagnosis a person has, you need to protect yourself and minor children from abuse.

Narcissists are simple although due to the chaos they create, the abundance of information about them makes them seem vast. They are not vast. They are easy to spot. They are poorly integrated and the operate emotionally similarly to a three- to five-year-old child. They do the same things using the same patterns. Here are some of the things they do:

• They have a chronic pattern of; repeating stages in relationships (love-bomb, devalue, discard, hoover).
• Gas-lighting (convincing you of falsehoods which make you doubt yourself and eventually develop depression, PTSD physical illnesses or all of these).
• Blame-shifting. They blame other people for the things that they do.
• Wearing a mask (having a different persona in public than they do in private).
• Heavily seeking public approval. They are only relevant, they only feel their existence in relation to other people. There is no sense of "self" therefore the only way they can feel alive is by draining energy or supply off the people around them. Imagine a robot turned off. That is how they feel or fear they will fear when they are not connected to people and getting a reaction, negative or positive from them.
• Making false allegations in child custody proceedings. The most common ones are to claim the other parent is "a mental case," "drug addict," or otherwise unfavorable as a parent.
• Child abuse (then claiming the protective parent is guilty of "parental alienation.") They abuse their family members and claim the protective parent is the one doing that.
• Threatening, "if you try to divorce me, I will leave you penniless and I will take the children and you will never see them again" this is classic. No normal person would wish their children a life devoid of their mother or do anything to harm the mother of their children.
• Violations of laws. From non payment of child support, mortgage fraud, tax evasion, traffic violations, you name it. Rules do not apply to them. They do not follow rules. This includes court orders.
• Triangulating. They involve third parties in what would normally be considered personal interactions and information with the goal of ganging up on the targeted person.
• Smear Campaigns. They say horrible things about the target to whoever will pay attention, including the targets friends and family. They also post false information online, in the media and contact law enforcement and the targets place of employment to do the same.
• Stalking. They do this in every way possible and endlessly. They recruit others to help.
• Lying. They lie all the time. It is not possible to keep track of their lies as they lie so frequently. It is also not a good use of your time to confront or try to resolve these lies. That will only give them "supply" and frustrate you.
• Parental Alienation. While I do not like to use this term as it was coined by a pedophile who later killed himself (Richard Gardner), it is now recognized in courts. These folks use children as pawns, seek to gain sole custody and seek to use the children as weapons. They know the target loves the children more than anything and therefore seek to withhold the children from the targeted parent. In the process, the children are harmed in a way that can have long lasting negative impact.
• Isolation. These folks tend to isolate the targets from friends, family, support of any kind. They move often and far away from the support system of the target.
• Financial Abuse: These folks hide money, launder money, stop working to avoid having to make child support payments. They threaten to ruin your credit and they often do by taking out loans, mortgages, credit cards in your name without your knowledge or consent.
• Withhold medical treatment. These folks have learned that Doctors are mandated reporters and avoid them. They also can not refute medical evidence and therefore avoid Doctors themselves and prevent their children from getting the medical treatment they require if that information can be used to hold them accountable for the child's care.
• Destroying or refusing to participate in holidays, birthdays, milestones or family traditions. These folks will do whatever it takes to eliminate or destroy the holidays that are important to most people and accepted in society. This does not stop them from show boating their public persona. They will absolutely host parties for a child's birthday if that means they have the chance to look favorable in public.
• Manipulation. They are masters of manipulation.
• Inability to work toward any goal for any person (including their children) that does not benefit them. Often their only goal is to control, destroy, destruct the target and children get caught in their antics at achieving these goals.
• Chaos. They manufacture chaos.
• Alternate, "stall and delay" with "hurry up and sign." They stall and delay things such as paying bills, legal proceedings, making decisions to create a climate of uncertainty or confusion OR they demand people to make quick decisions that will harm them in order to propel their agenda. Do things are your own pace and do not react to either of these tactics.
• Parentification. They reverse roles with their children. The children are used to meet their physical, emotional, and sometimes financial needs. Children are not parented but become the parent. This is a type of child abuse.
• Infidelity. These folks are sexually fluid. Sex is stimulation. They seek constant stimulation. While they may identify as heterosexual, they will have sex with any person who shows them interest as the sexual act is the stimulating activity they desire and matters much less than anything else.

In order to make the changes that we need to make to end the horror, violence, shootings, corruption, and destruction of society, we need to begin understanding that very often, the people who are responsible for these heinous acts are narcissists and psychopaths who do not have a working conscience. It is not time well spent to endlessly interact with these folks. It is much better to cut them off, rebuild yourself, and invest in your own health and that of your children.

Children who have been impacted by narcissists and psychopaths are in a state of trauma and that trauma will impact them into they are healed. At this point we need to invest in trauma focused treatment for the children harmed by these folks, and work harder to free ourselves of the evil people lurking. I know that it is hard. However, it is harder to live with PTSD and CPTSD whilst dealing with the chaos these folks create. The sooner you disentangle from these people, the sooner you begin your healing process. There are numerous organizations, individuals and groups that are available to help you. Take the first step in the direction of safety and peace. You are worth it.

I anticipate that unless we address the underlying causes of the devastating problems we are facing worldwide, they will continue. Children are in need of expert treatment for the trauma and abuse they have suffered at the hands of adults functioning without a conscience. Trauma impacted approaches to working with children are currently in practice. However, we need an overhaul in the mental health service delivery to train up clinicians to become experts in working with trauma-impacted children. By investing in our children now, we have a chance for a better, safer, more peaceful future.