My Spiritual Awakening &

My first awakening experience was on a road trip with a guy I barely knew. I had just moved back to Dallas, TX, my hometown, and in with my mother, after my life in Los Angeles had completely fallen apart (unpaid parking tickets and traffic violations (thousands of dollars worth) combined with the inability to work a 9-5). A friend of mine’s ex-boyfriend, let’s call him Rob, reached out to me saying he’d heard I was going through a rough time and asked if I would want to join him and his friend on their cross-country road trip. I told him I didn’t want to crash guy’s time but he assured me I was welcome, so I said ok. “We’ll pick you up in two weeks”. Two weeks later he and his friend, let’s call his friend Michael, arrived at my mother's doorstep. I was instantly attracted to Michael. We all made our introductions and then went out for dinner. At this time in my life I was still drinking heavily and my dinner was a few martinis. After dinner we all went back to my mom’s house and went for a swim in the pool. Rob decided he wanted to go back inside leaving Michael and me all alone. Naturally, we got naked and … made love. I don’t remember it (this used to be an extremely common occurrence for me, not remembering the night before when I was drinking) but I do remember waking up with him next to me the next morning and making eggs together. Michael would just drop these random gems, like, while making our morning-after eggs he casually told me, “My dad taught me it’s always best to go slow”. I was, of course, rushing the eggs. Michael was the one who first taught me that “everyone is fighting a major battle. You never know what someone is going through.” He reminded me of my heart. (My time in LA had hardened me and I had become harsh & judgmental.) He was the first person I knew who gave food to homeless people. Growing up I was told that homeless people were “faking it”, and that they were all con artists.

Our first stop on the trip was Austin and this is where Rob signed off. He didn’t like seeing Michael & me together, he didn’t want to be a third wheel. Michael and I decided to continue alone. He taught me how to play Gin Rummy. He read books to me every night. He picked up things about me. One night we were camping, sitting next to the fire, and I remember he mentioned something about me being the black sheep of my family. Tears boiled to the surface and I remember holding them in and walking down to the portapotty to cry. No one in my life had ever paid attention in the way he did. My relationships in LA were formed through cocaine and trauma bonding. With Michael, it felt different. It was sweet and honest and healthy. We took time during the day to do our own thing. I read The Alchemist and The Celestine Prophecy. Michael had already planned out the whole trip, it was his summer-before-law-school hurrah, and I was just along for the ride. We listened to podcasts and Sigur Ros. I remember I would be looking out at the mountains and clouds while he drove and tears would swell up in my eyes from the beauty. It was bliss. Michael was also the person who taught me about Monsanto, and this is what led me to The Light Center. 

I decided I needed to go live on a farm because after learning about Monsanto I felt confused and upset and like I needed to understand & learn all about growing food. I learn by doing, and so to “do” I knew I needed to find a farm. A friend told me about WWOOF and that’s where I found Robin Goff & The Light Center. I remember when I first emailed TLC through the WWOOF website, I said I was coming from LA (at this point I had moved back to LA because I couldn’t stand living with my mother), gave the date of when I wanted to arrive and said was looking to stay for three months. Not long after I sent the email I received a reply from Robin. A simple, two-sentenced email kindly stating yes, that sounded good & that she wouldn’t be there to greet me but a woman named Laura would be there and she would get me settled in. 

When my ex-boyfriend (who I hitched a ride out to Kansas with) and I arrived at the farm, the door was unlocked and no one was home. We just walked right in. Coming from Los Angeles it all felt amazingly open and trusting. The ex and I found the Yurt I would be staying in and brought in my two bags. Throughout my life, everything I own has tended to fit into two bags. 

The Yurt was big and spacious and all mine. I was completely thrilled. The ex was jealous and had been teasing me about how I would be living on this farm with a bunch of other “dudes” as he called them (this was the main reason we were breaking up) We were both surprised to discover it would be only me. We said goodbye and I went for a walk around the property. I feel like I can still picture this walk like it was yesterday. The trees, the wind, Gabby the farm dog (named after Archangel Gabriel) walking beside me. It was a feeling I wasn’t familiar with, it felt like what I now know to be peace. 

When I met Robin Goff we hugged and she instantly made me feel at ease. Her kindness and generosity amazed me. She was fierce and soft and independent, warm & kind. I deeply admired her. Seeing how Robin lived her life was the first time I ever felt guilty about the way I had been living mine.

This farm was my first time living in a rural area. I was naive and the first day I went next door thinking everyone was friends “out in the country”. Turns out the neighbors thought Robin was running some kind of cult and they were not friendly at all.

Robin arrived back at the farm a few days after me. She had been at a Healing Touch Retreat. We hugged and I immediately felt at ease around her. I’ll never forget her telling me, “You’re not here for farming”. At the time I didn’t understand what she meant, and I just said, “ok” with a smile. She wanted me to sit in on her Healing Touch class she would be teaching that weekend. She didn’t teach the class often and felt it wasn’t a coincidence that I had arrived just a week before her class. I told her I would and that I was curious. And I was. I remember feeling like the class was weird and that I didn’t fit in with anyone. 

Laura also lived on the farm and she taught me about permaculture. I was hooked. I felt so confused about why we would farm any other way and started diving deep into the ways of the modern world and why we do the things we do. Previously I had been very sheltered in a lot of ways and was thirsty for knowledge and truth.

I was completely enamored with farm life. I would wake up naturally at 6 am, take a walk through the forest straight into the garden, feed the animals, and collect eggs from the chicken coop. Followed by making breakfast, usually with Robin. Followed by more garden time, whatever needed doing on that particular day. This was my first time connecting with nature. The first time I saw a cucumber on the vine, I cried. After the garden work was all completed, I would shower and read. In the evenings I would make dinner and read some more. It was so relaxed. It was heaven. 

I had yet another awakening experience in the Yurt (the first was on the road trip when I read The Celestine Prophecy). I was drawing a picture of Gabby, the farm dog, and began to laugh and cry hysterically. I remember Gabby got up and moved away, and when my laughing and crying stopped, she came back. It was wild. I wrote a note on the back of the picture saying something like, “I know I’m not here for farming now”. At the time it was hard to believe that this was all real. A part of me felt like I must be making it up, or that I was crazy. 

I started experiencing emotional discomfort & restlessness. 

I was used to the hustle. At the time I didn’t understand this but my nervous system had been wired for war from infancy. My body wasn’t used to all this quiet and calm. I started to feel itchy. Going out, partying, romance, alcohol, drugs… these had been my coping mechanisms for getting through life. These were the ways in which I was getting my “love” fix- the high I felt combining alcohol and coke, the attention I would get from others when I went out, the attraction I felt from men… without these “fixes”, I began to feel alone & sad. At the time, I didn’t know how to nurture myself or be with myself when I was feeling triggered and uncomfortable. I didn’t even know what a “trigger” was. My main strategy was suppression and avoidance. All I knew how to do was shove things down and move on to someone or something else. I ran back to my ex, who was living in Kansas City, in an attempt to regain some sense of “normalcy”. He would come to visit and stay on the farm. Robin didn’t like him. 

No one I knew was experiencing what I was experiencing. It felt like I was losing everything and becoming “uncool” (my previous chosen character role was “Cool Party Girl” and I was used to using drugs to numb any and all uncomfortable feelings) My rejection wound was getting lit the fuck up and at the time I didn’t know how to be with myself through the kind of big emotions and enormous changes that were present. I didn’t know what a “Spiritual Awakening” was nor did I have any interest in living a “Spiritual” life. I was unprepared and completely caught off guard. And so I ran. 

After nine months on the farm, I got on a plane back to LA. I would continue running from my Spirit for, I kid you not, 10 years. 10 years in a pretty gruesome Dark Night of The Soul. 10 years and lots of stories.