My PTSD

When I thought about PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), I thought to my self do I have it? I ask myself this because of my previous relationship. I mean the way I reacted to my fianće was unbelievable. I just recently had a baby with my fianće and I don't like being without my baby. I think it has so much to do with how my first two kids not being in my life for a year. See I didn't mean to speculate that my fianće made our baby boy cry. It was just something that Transpired. It is all because of my previous relationship. My Ex was always making the kids cry and he enjoyed it for some reason. I also relive the memories of being thrown out in front of my kids. I relive the moment they said,” mommy please take me with you”. My fianće catches me with my anxiety and acknowledges the fact that this PTSD that I have is a challenge for me. The flashbacks that I get has put me into anxiety episodes. I’ve had sleep paralysis 2 times this year and that’s a very scary thing to go through. Where you can’t move and speak, it’s like you feel like your dying.

I honestly thought PTSD was for Soldiers that were in the military But it isn't. I learned it's for people that go through a traumatic event in their life and it Affects us big time. Now, this may take months for me to push through it. I know I can do it and especially with the goals I have to establish, I will win my kids back so that they can meet their baby brother and they can see I am a darn good mother. I wouldn't put them in danger and I would make sure they are well taken care of. My kids deserve so much in life because life has been hard on them since I haven't been able to be around them. I miss them dearly. They are my world and they always hold me up. It’s like someone cut the chains that holds your heart to theirs. And it’s hard to get through the days in the beginning. Does things get better for me? No. I can’t live with out them. I can’t live with my self if they get hurt again. My goal is to achieve this trial, bring my babies home and be their mother, teacher, and their emotional support. Because at the end of the day once I achieve my goals I know I will say goodbye to PTSD. I am going to keep talking about it and not be afraid of him anymore because that's the only way to overcome something like this. I am taking this one day at a time and let today be today and tomorrow will worry about its self. God has my back and god has seen what I have gone through. My next goal is to get custody back. I want 50/50 because my children still deserve both parents not just one. I made that promise I wouldn't let my children live without a dad or mother but it's hard on this because he is allowing my children to live without me in their lives. I will keep going and I will overcome my PTSD. I will not give up!

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