My fight with the whispers

My first memory of something "wrong" going on in my mind was during a school trip in first grade. I mistakenly touched cow shit. I washed my fingers off it thoroughly and wiped it but for the rest of the day, I was questioning myself and making sure my fingers were clean. It ruined the day for me. I thought to myself how could this be?

I was born neurodivergent. This world has not been built for us. Neither does it seem to be all that understanding. Else how did I live so many years not knowing what the hell was going on in my head?

When I was in sixth grade, the first year in middle school, the monster struck me without leaving go for months. And for two years it affected all aspects of my life - never leaving me for even an hour. My mind was constantly asking questions and making lists from the moment I woke up to the moment I was too tired to think and had to go sleep…

Before this time I couldn't recall suffering from severe OCD that crippled my peace of mind. Of course, I had some habits that reflected growing OCD. I was told that I was "mental" for screwing shut taps too hard, checking drawers repeatedly, checking that I wore my glasses properly all the time, keeping my maths textbook as tidy and perfect as possible, and taking too much time coming out of the toilet. 

In fact, in fifth grade, I had an episode that dragged on for months. But it was limited only to the toilet, literally. I was always found going to the toilet. I had the sense that I didn't wash well in that anal part (culturally we used water after shitting). My parents took me to a gastroenterologist who did some investigations including colonoscopy and concluded that it's all simply "psychological". To hell with it.

Some days I use to clean up the entire house much to my mum's delight. I swept the floors, arranged the furniture, and dusted the cobwebs off all the corners. Mum thought I was trying to help her take care of the house but in reality, I was suffering. They didn't have a clue and in hindsight I do not blame them.

I do not what triggered it. But at the start of middle school, it struck and struck hard. The monster took over my entire head. It whispered all over my mind 24/7. I started to make lists upon lists mentally and comparing stuff and asking questions 24/7. I over-analyzed a lot of stuff and it drove me crazy. I mean I was crazy in the first place. We neurodivergent folk should rather embrace being crazy and being called crazy. Just like the LGBT folk embraced the word "queer"!

The ruminations never ceased. I use to make lists for stuff I wanna talk about to others. I use to make to-do lists. Plan my days to the exact minute and yet pace up and down the room for hours analyzing my yesterdays. My mind was in effect an ordered mess. I forced myself to break it into pieces and then reassemble the pieces and then break it all over again and again. The cycles continued every single day.

I hope to the Lord God that the monster never reawakens. But if it does I would now know what I'm dealing with and how to deal with it. Back then during my childhood, I had zero idea what OCD was. I didn't know its name and I didn't know that others could suffer from it too. Being equipped with knowledge is literal power. 

When it got too much I literally googled "cannot stop making lists and thinking". I soon discovered this was actually a thing and a bit of clicking and hours of reading took me to the subreddit r/OCD. There I was overwhelmed by the sheer number of people who actually suffer from the same thing. And they literally saved my sense of sanity. 

The Internet has opened doors to easier access to information. It has done wonders to comfort those suffering alone. It has given them a sense of community. By the click of a button, I can be virtually be surrounded by people who suffer from the same issues I suffer from.

I now take meds for my social anxiety issues and it helps with OCD too. As a medical student, I formally study psychiatry and have an in-depth knowledge of OCD. That too helps a lot. But to me what helps the most is hearing your stories. Life is full of suffering but being not the only one seems such a relief. That others do go through the same struggles means we can be there for one another! I want to be a mental health advocate! Be there for others because no one was there for me during my childhood!

My heart goes out to everyone suffering from severe mental illness. Especially children. I had no idea I was suffering from a mental illness and I was the kid who never talked or opened up to anyone. I suffered alone. For years. It was pure agonizing mental torture. Even when I eventually told my mother, she had no idea herself.

We need more awareness all across the globe to mental health and other psychiatric issues. They might not be organic or detected by any scans or whatever - but being invisible doesn't mean they aren't real. We need people to be aware of these illnesses and to always reach out and help those who suffer from them.

We cannot stop invisible illnesses from happening. They are a part of the gene pool. They might have some benefits in very mild forms. In fact, I believe that my OCD is why I was very studious and ended up studying medicine. I was always ready 100% for any exam I have ever faced. I plan to specialize in psychiatry.

I believe that life is full of suffering and that suffering is the norm. It is the human condition. Any other idea of what life is makes us suffer more. Let us be there for one another through this brief period of suffering. Let us build a better world for our children.