My family thinks I am faking my mental disorders.

I often feel alone. There is an overwhelming distance between them and me, especially my parents. I feel like they don’t understand me. They don’t understand who I am, what I want in life, or what my struggles are.

Unfortunately, I was cursed with a laundry list of mental disorders. To my family, these are things I brought upon myself. To my parents, it’s a moral failing, so they avoid facing the truth   that I am mentally ill. They think it means they failed as parents, but that’s not the case. It is nobody’s fault; it just kind of happened. My brain simply does not produce enough dopamine or serotonin ,  not without the help of medication, anyway. I struggle with a chemical imbalance. No amount of Bible reading or religion is going to fix that. Prayer doesn’t cure cancer, and it sure as hell won’t cure my depression or anxiety.

My depression is not situational or circumstantial; it is a disorder. Sometimes, life could be going great, and I’d still feel depressed. Depression and anxiety are my default settings. They are always there, lurking and hiding. They never really go away. Medication and therapy help me manage them, and that is how I am able to function. However, sometimes even those things can’t help me. Sometimes, I still find myself in a dark well that I can’t climb out of, and I need them to understand that.

I also struggle with ADHD, and I am on the spectrum. Yeah, I know…I was dealt the worst cards in life. Being neurodivergent controls my entire life; it is the reason I even struggle with anxiety and depression. I have always been known as the girl who loves school and does well in it. Because of this, no one suspected that anything was wrong. Starting university led me to seek help. I was burnt out …I am burnt out. After completing my studies, I was exhausted. I distanced myself from everything and everyone , not by choice, but because I mentally couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t keep pretending that I was okay. I didn’t, and still don’t, have the energy for anyone or anything at the moment. I don’t have the energy for phone calls. I don’t have the energy to socialize. I am burnt out.

I recently tried to explain to my family that depression was why I hadn’t talked to them for a while, and they did what they always do ,  they doubted me and told me I needed to “stop with this depression stuff.” Like, yes, thanks, Mom and Dad, I’ll make sure to just turn it off next time for your convenience.

It’s not like I don’t want to talk to them. I do. I love them so much they don’t even understand. Even when I avoid phone calls, I don’t think to myself “Ugh, they’re so annoying.” I just…I don’t have the capacity to talk on the phone most of the time. Then, I’m plagued with thoughts of them dying and what ifs. What if that was my last chance to talk to them? Did I miss it? But my brain still avoids calls. I become paralyzed. I know they’re getting older, and I should talk to them as much as I can, but I am burnt out. I just can’t be on the phone most of the time , it’s too much. I am tired.

It’s not just them either ,  it’s my siblings and friends too. I avoid their calls as well. It paralyzes me. I am burnt out, and I don’t know when I’ll come out of it. I just need them to understand. Every time, I think, They’ll finally understand this time. But they never do. It makes me feel alone. I distance myself because I know they won’t understand, and I know they won’t comfort me. Instead, they’ll tell me it’s my fault, that I’m bringing this onto myself.

I am tired.

I am 25 years old. I am autistic. I have ADHD and I am tired.

They also doubt my autism diagnosis. I know I have low support needs and am high-functioning, but I still struggle. I struggle every single day and have been struggling since the day I was born. Just because most of my symptoms are internalized and I am not nonverbal doesn’t mean I don’t struggle too. I’m just good at hiding it. I had to become good at hiding it. I had to hide my struggles to make everyone else feel comfortable.

I am tired of trying to get people to see me. I am tired of trying to explain myself. I often try to help people understand why I behave the way I do ,  to show them that I’m struggling and need time , but no one ever believes me.

Do I need to start acting crazy? Do I need to become an alcoholic or a drug addict? Is that what it takes to finally feel seen?

Maybe if my symptoms weren’t so internalized, they would see me. But unfortunately, I just got too good at hiding them.

I am tired.