My Borderline Existence: Death

My wonderful mother was vibrant and intelligent. She was 28 years old when my baby brother was born. She died five months later of an insidious cancer. To make things worse, my grandfather (her father) disowned his three grandchildren. Of course, now I understand that this type of loss is the basis of a borderline personality disorder (BPD) diagnosis. But wait, it gets worse. Soon after my mother died, my father married our 18 year-old babysitter. She left after being nearly beaten to death when I was 12 years old. I was left to fend for myself, take care of my siblings and my abusive father.

For the most part, I don't remember my childhood from about four to 12 years of age. My therapists, yes plural, have always said that I don't have to remember what happened during that time. What I did have to work on was my extreme post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and I will save that subject for many future articles.

For those not familiar, symptoms of BPD can include: Hypervigilance, Disassociation, Depression, Self-Harm, Suicidal Ideation, Self Image Distortion, Drug Abuse, Alcohol Abuse, Vacillating Between Extreme Like/Dislike of Others, Emotional Instability, Guilt, Grandiosity, Abandonment and Impulse Control Issues.

Sometimes I think about what came first: my mental irregularities or the effects of my extremely toxic upbringing. I would like to think that in my rather large family I would have someone there to protect and care for me. But as I soon learned, protection is a fleeting concept that most likely only existed in dreams and movies. When as a very little girl you are threatened, beaten, abandoned, controlled and left to create some type of "normal" in a developing self that was always on alert, you can understand why appearances aren't always as they seem.

I am what you call a Highly Functioning Borderline. Most think I am attractive, intelligent, educated, successful and talented and I really wish I could see what others see. You see in order to survive, I made do. I hid my truth from myself and the world. I disassociated from reality when it was too hard to fathom. I have seen things no little girl should ever experience.

By all accounts, everyone loved my mom. She was smart and pretty. She sewed all of my sister and my clothes. We had long blond hair and she made sure that we dressed alike and were protected from our father. But once she was gone, we were left to our "own devices". We went from having love to hate, from care to abuse. Luckily, I learned the trait of disassociation at a young age. Disassociation helps me mentally and emotionally disconnect from reality when it becomes too difficult to handle. In some cases, I appear to be the same personality and in other cases I am distinctly different personalities altogether.

Disassociation: Just the other day, I "disconnected" because I could not handle a dating situation I was in. My roommate says that I was curled up in a fetal position and non-responsive to their conversations. I do not remember any of it. I don't even remember how I got to bed. This was a bad episode and I am now 54 years old.

I have had a lot of therapy over the past 30 years and have been hospitalized on five separate occasions occurring approximately once every seven years. The therapists don't call what I have as multiple personality disorder although most who have seen me "disassociate" see me act like a four year-old or a very angry, aggressive woman who is 'scary' or just an animated form of myself. I would like to record myself to see if I can tell.

My latest debacle is related to my dating relationship. Because I tend to make men out to be amazing and fantastic when I first meet them, they feel a little tricked when they figure out that I have been hiding my true self when they are getting to know me. Can you imagine what a man might think when he learns that I haven't even really been the one they are communicating with? It usually doesn't matter because I tend to devalue them quickly if I feel threatened abandonment around the corner.

I have much more to share so stay tuned.