Music Saved Me

It's funny as an adult to look back on those defining moments that made you who you are. For me, it was when I was fifteen and discovered music as a safe place where I could just be without judgement or expectations. I had always felt like I didn't quite fit in but could never put my finger on exactly why. When I was younger I had many friends but as we all grew older, we became distant as new groups were forms and many of us were labeled as outcasts. Me and a few others gravitated together since we did not fit into any of the other popular groups. I was a teacher's pet and a nerd but back then, it was not cool to be so. I was a chubby girl that wasn't rich or athletic. I wanted friends and to be apart of some kind of group, I just didn't know how to accomplish this. So, I grew farther and farther into my own little bubble. I had my books which allowed me a certain level of escape to various adventures where I didn't have to be me for a time. Then, there was my music. I grew up in a time where the music was amazing. The eighties and nineties truly had the best music; I would probably include the seventies into this musical world of mine as well.

I remember smiling around those I loved to try and hide the bitter loneliness I carried around with me. What few friends I managed to have were also misfits who were also trying to fit in somewhere instead of being alone. Nobody that was close to me really realized just how depressed I was on a regular basis. I was good at hiding my true self. I had had lots of practice at this feat. The confusing part of all this is that I didn't have a good reason to be a misfit or depressed for that matter. I had a stable, loving home and family for the most part. I was a straight A student. I was able to take dance classes until I decided it was no longer for me. I had everything I needed and quite a bit of what I wanted. I was extremely close to both of my parents. There was no abuse or mistreatment. So, it begs the question, what did I have to be depressed about? To this day, some thirty years later, I still cannot answer that question. I wish I had some aha moment which revealed the answer to me but I don't. The only thought that might give some insight is that I have always been a soft soul with a kind spirit who would do any thing for any body. I have always been the peacemaker, the one who tries to make things better for people. This can really take a toll on a person, especially one who is just getting used to being a teenager. It was exhausting trying to be there for everyone and cover the parts of me that I did not want anyone to see. At times, it was all I could do to withdraw and recuperate so that I didn't completely come apart.

I was fifteen when I discovered that I could make my room as dark as possible, put in my brother's cassette of Pink Floyd, lay back on my bed and just float along with the music. While that cassette played, I could melt away into the music and forget my troubles. I didn't have to be anything for anyone. It was the notes and lyrics that allowed me to just be for a little while. I could pretend for a short time that nothing mattered. I later found out that most of the music from this band was favored by recreational drug addicts also trying to numb themselves for awhile during their journeys. I had to laugh upon learning this considering the music itself had had its own numbing effect on me without me having to experiment with any type of substances. Just a dark room and their sweet sounds was enough to bring me solitude and peace. As time went on, I discovered many more types of music which enabled me to find a quiet peace to level myself out.

Now as an adult, I tend to use music not only to medicate myself but also to communicate to people what I'm thinking and feeling. I find that there are times where I have trouble relaying my thoughts to the people around me but I can normally find the perfect song to express what I need to say. I have often seen, in this time of social media, a meme with the phrase "don't tell me what you think, instead tell me what song got you through your troubles". I can totally relate to this saying. They say that music can tame the savage beast and if this is true then I say, put on a song and dance with your inner demons. I still suffer from depression and anxiety on many different levels then I did all those years ago. There are times when I can dial into my music and dance it out, and then there are times when I have to dive head first into my bubble and saturate my soul with the tunes and lyrics that still have the capacity to sooth what hurts. On so many levels, music has saved me from my own thoughts; it has enabled me to find a level of comfort that helps me confront the dark spaces hiding deep inside my psyche just waiting for a weak moment to show up.

Going forward my friends, I hope you take with you the idea that no matter what is hurting you or causing you pain, there may just be a song out there that was written by someone who understands just where you are right now. There are songs to help with sorrow, songs that bring happiness and songs that just allow the memories to flow. Find your song and if it helps, sing it all the way to the heavens and allow it to heal you.