Mental Health Matters

We all have heard about mental health, and the month that is dedicated to it. But has anyone actually told you what it feels like to have a mental health problem. Mental health is a struggle for a lot of people and not many people know what to do when they know someone struggling with it. Let me share with you my journey so far with my mental health.

I wasn’t properly diagnosed with anxiety and depression until I was seventeen so I’m still fairly new to it all. Most people believe anxiety is just something that makes you extra nervous about stuff but there’s more to anxiety than what people know. I have weeks or sometimes months where I can’t sleep because thoughts creep into my head. What is death gonna be like? I don’t want to die. It’s okay I’m only twenty I still have a good bit of time. Is my dad dying? He’s close to that age. Is he taking care of himself? Of course he is, why wouldn’t he. Do the people in my life actually care about me and want me around? If they care about me they would want me around right? Why am I thinking so much right now? I need to go to sleep, it's 2:30 in the morning. I can’t stop thinking, I know I need to sleep but I can’t. Does my boyfriend actually care about me? Of course he does what I am thinking, we’ve been together for almost two years. But something could happen and he won’t love me anymore. 4:45 in the morning hits and I’m still laying wide awake having a panic attack because my thoughts took over.

Anxiety has intrusive thoughts and I can’t escape them all the time. But that’s not the only thing that comes with anxiety. The other part of anxiety that affects me the most is what keeps me from doing things that I want to. No matter how badly I want to, I just can’t. The first time I felt this way I didn’t know what was going on. I was starting my first job, I was nervous like any other person would be but then I got to thinking. What if my coworkers don’t like me? Will I get fired if my boss doesn’t like me? What will happen if I mess up? It’s only my first day, it can't be that bad, shit I’m running late. Constantly, all that went through my head was how bad I was going to be and how no one would like me.

Depression is harder to manage, most people think it’s just being extra sad but it’s not. Some of the time I am able to notice when my depression is getting worse than it normally is. I’ll have what I call a cleaning spurt. I will clean the whole room, do laundry, change my bedding, scrub the floors and walls, sweep, dust, the whole nine yards. The next day I will clean up any tiny mess that I have in my room, and when it hits me I won’t get out of bed, I won’t shower, I won’t brush my teeth. I still have yet to understand how to cope and deal with my depression, all I know is that the one thing I wished people knew was that all I want is for someone to ask me if I was okay, to ask me if I want to talk, and the biggest one is just to hold me.

PTSD and panic attacks are something that everyone deals with differently. Panic attacks are easier for me to deal with than PTSD. When I have a panic attack I try to remind myself that I'm safe and that everything will be fine. If that doesn't work then I go with the good ole medication that a doctor prescribes for someone that suffers with anxiety and panic attacks. My PTSD is a different story, I don't really have a great way to get control over it. When my PTSD gets bad its from nightmares I have from my past. I've gotten better at ignoring it for the most part but there are some times where I just can't ignore it.

Everyone struggles with their mental health and they have different ways of coping with it. I wanted to be able to share my journey with my mental health and what happens to me with my mental health. I hope that someday this will help you if you are struggling with mental health or if you know someone who is struggling with mental health.