mental health & family dysfunction

It's no secret I come from a family of pretty fucked up people. Both grandmothers were intentionally awful. A mom who does try, but doesn't ever come across in a good way. And a dad who while being quite successful never had any business becoming a dad in the first place. Couldn't tell you about the rest of my family because to put it in the easiest terms- don't speak to any of us. And who could blame them. Money is above anything else in my home and mental illness just doesn't exist. There is a reason I'm saying all of this.

Before I get into this cautionary tale, a little about me- I'm 27. High functioning despite it all thanks to one hell of an autopilot. Sex addict. Recovering alcoholic. Insane depression. It's like having two people inside of me- one is almost too good and the other will try and make me sabotage everything. Some of those problems didn't develop til later on but I remember at a young age I was having feelings I shouldn't of been.

It took me 27 years to finally realize that something wasn't right in my head. Don't get me wrong, I did try to do something about it and still do everyday. But human beings aren't programmed to be perfect every single time and I had my moments. Here's what I learned from this:

I took everything and every one for granted. I'm more on the anti social side but I did have a few people who genuinely cared about me. A couple of close friends and one amazing man. Before realizing something was wrong I started with pushing the friends away. I'd get mean or angry to the point where they stopped checking up on me and inevitably stopped speaking to me. Then where it got dark was with the relationship. Long story short- genuinely wonderful human, when I wasn't slipping into my own mind we had so much fun together- could do things that most people normally wouldn't but at the end of the day knew that I was accepted for what I am. He was the first and only person I ever deep down trusted and I wanted to give him everything I could. But what I know now that was never possible unless I really took my problems seriously and accepted that I needed help. You can't expect yourself to be able to give all your love when a part of you hates yourself the way I did. I pushed and pushed even when I was aware what I was doing wasn't right. I was an impossible person to be with and being as conditioned as I was to believe "Oh if you just work more hours" or "Oh if you just lose weight" that I'd just magically be okay because if that's all you ever hear eventually you begin to think that way yourself. Even when I first started this journey to getting help I'd still both of my parents voices in the back of my head that I was just being dramatic. Maybe their fucked up childhoods let me believe that was an okay way to treat the situation, but they should know better than anyone else that was not how you should be.

When it comes down to it, what I'm trying to say is this- If you even have the faintest thought something might not be right in your mind don't ignore it. Seek help. Don't listen to anything anyone says that's belittling or makes you feel like you doing something for yourself to help yourself isn't valid. If you don't you'll end up like me. Worn out, broken down, but still fighting to one day get rid of this sickness I have in me. If you think there's even the slightest chance something might trigger that part of your brain that is looking to make you do things you don't mean avoid it at all cost.

If you know someone who might be struggling reach out to them. Knowing what I know now with how hard it is to do completely by yourself, people need support. Not everyone is lucky to have a family that will be there for them so having a friend can be the closest thing to a family that they have.

"You don't know what you have until it's gone" doesn't begin to describe it. I had everything I wanted and needed. A good job, a great boyfriend, great friends and by letting myself go and drown in my own sea of misery caused from things that I alone wasn't strong enough to battle made me lose the last few good people that cared about me. Everyone goes through life with regrets and mine will always be waiting til it was too late to get help and being stuck with nothing but the feeling of wanting to take all the pain you caused others away and put it on yourself.