Mental health

Everyone suffers from mental health. It just depends if we get the help or not. I'm here to talk about my mental health journey and hopefully help others. Hello let me start off saying that my name is Samantha. I have dealt with trauma since the age of 4. I suffer from multiple types of mental illnesses. I'll give you a little back story. My mother got with my father when she 18. She was a drug user that got with a pedophile. She knew he was one and even married him. Somehow she thought it was a good idea to have a child with him. That child was me. When I was born, my father wanted to name me after his first victim. Thankfully my mother didn't let that happen. He was also upset that I was born a male. So growing up I was forced to transition as male. My mother even went to the lengths of chopping mine and my older sisters hair off so we would look like the opposite gender. She divorced him when i was 6. Already by than went through a lot. I witnessed my own sister go through abuse with my father. Even went through sexual abuse myself. We had to eat off the floor if we accidentally dropped a piece of food. We were only aloud to eat certain foods and drink certain drinks. After she divorced him, he still got joint custody over me. I went through so much abuse those next 5 years. I wasn't aloud to sleep in my own room. I had to share a room with him. Sadly I was even dealing abuse in my mothers household. She got married again to a pedophile. She was still doing drugs. Mine and my sisters meals were portioned out really badly. If we were still hungry to bad and I ended up developing three different eating disorders. I still have them until this day. They are binge eating, anorexia, and bulimia. At the age of 11 I was really over weight for my height and age. My father somehow got custody of me and took me to a different state. My mother signed her rights away to him. Even knowing what he was and what he was doing. He had moved me all across the map to Utah. I lived with him and my step mom for almost 2 years. He would make me eat everything and proceeded to weight shame me. When he would punish me for not going to church with him, he would starve me. Sometimes would even beat me. He would control everything. I couldn't even talk my mothers side of family, because he thought I would tell them everything. When I hit 13, is when he started to do stuff to me. I found a way to tell my mother and child services on what he was doing. I was pregnant with his child. My mother put me in counseling. I was diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), Anxiety, and Severe Depression. When she got custody back over me, it wasn't a walk in the park. She started abusing me. Telling me that I should be doing what I did for my father here. Put me through more mental abuse. I also had to deal with an abusive older sister that would bully me saying she had it worse than me. She told me I shouldn't even be sad. Around the age of 15 my mother got sick. She had left custody of me to my grandmother. She treated me like I was a problem. Even told me I was like my father. The way I do things. Even blamed me for my mothers death. I started acting out. I became more antisocial and started slacking in school. She put me back in counseling to only take me out of it because it wasn't benefitting her. I started to show signs of MPD ( Multiple Personality Disorder). I have a total of 11 alters/personalities. I have 2 males that go by the names Azazel and Samael. They come out if I'm highly stressed or forget to eat. I have 1 non-binary alter and the rest are female. .I suffer from psychosis which is a psychotic disorder. When I turned 21, I got diagnosed with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and Bipolar Disorder. In which having all of these have made it really hard for me. To even function in society. I'm 26 now. I can't even drive because I freak out. I can't even work a normal job because I ended up having a psychotic break drown. If I get to stressed out I will either age regress or switch with my 4 year old alter/personality. Neither are fun. Where I'm at in life right now I can't even age regress properly to destress, nor can I switch to my alter like I need. Sadly with all my alters/ personalities, they have to mask. My males have to disguise their voice as mine, so we don't get judged by our family. With all my mental illnesses it has made it hard for me to have stable relationships. I attach myself very easily and also detach myself. I confuse my brain with love and abuse. It can't tell the difference. In my head, I deserve everything I get. I'm pretty self-aware of everything. I overthink stuff. I have a mid-life crisis everyday. Wondering if something actually went differently. Would I even be here? If my mother was smarter? Or even my grandparents on either side? That's the things I think bout everyday. I want to start documenting my journey everyday. I'm hoping I can help anyone out with their struggles with mental illnesses. Even spike someone's interest in my story. I plan on writing more on my past and more on my alters/personalities. How the BPD affects me everyday. I would love to share all of this with all of you. Thank you for reading.