Mental Battles

Hi, I'm Makaila and I battle anxiety and depression every day.

I have truly contemplated whether I wanted to start sharing my stories or do the cliche thing and write it all in a book. I decided to take the more "quick cash" route. I'm 23 years old, and I have had a colorful upbringing which is nothing new, that's majority of people. Life has taught me a couple things and that is, in all reality no one cares. For example, my opening statement I have only a 50/50 chance that from that you will either continue or just tell my simple post to fuck off.

Though I don't really care. I'm here because I know that there are others with me that just search and search for stories and others like me and how they choose to cope with the very real disorders that I mentioned. The first time I was ever told I was clinically depressed I was 12 years old. I had to start seeing a counselor for anger issues but when we began to talk and actually unload it became clear. I was not only depressed but I was constantly worried. I would stress about what college I was going to go to, and what job I wanted, and where I was going to live and how I was going to afford it. These questions never stopped and it would become so overwhelming it would feel almost like a fear had just gone over my body and I wouldn't want to move. I would lay on my bed, crumbling mentally from the walls that were all fictional and wasn't even happening to me yet. I was 12 years old.

Into adulthood, I have also come to realize that marijuana actually helps. I started to smoke at 16 more regularly, and my anxiety was very low, my depression was there but come to find out a lot of that changed when I made dieting changes. As soon as I thought, "Yay, I'm cured. Who knew?" That was the battle and that was the worst. I had tried not smoking as often but then that led to me cooking at work and being found by another employee in the back cause I had such a bad anxiety attack I had passed out and woke up with shakes and labored breathing. I went back to smoking right around then until I had been told I was pregnant with my son. For someone that does not take medication this was a very hard period for me as well. There would be days that I would just go take a shower for the 4th or 5th time just so I could cry and just let myself have some kind of release. Though, when he was born I have never felt such a rush of joy and amazement in all my life.

My son is now two years old and now I just have to wait and save for a medical card so I can be all in the clear. I even went to another doctor about a year ago just to do a quick evaluation to see if I needed to be on medications. When he saw my scores he wanted to know what I have been doing to keep my anxiety under control because anymore that's my main killer. I was honest and he looked at me and told me to keep doing what I'm doing. So you will get no apologies from me, even my doctor doesn't give a shit.

Now all I can do, is write. I crave to just write and write all day but then I have moments where nothing hits. I have no outline, no plan, I just write. I have to find more ways to express myself, so I came here where people just wanna read something different. Something to make them feel like they are catching the story. Though if you are anything like me, maybe you were just looking for somewhere to relate. I hope I have had you find it.