Memoir of a Food Addict

I would like to believe that the sum of myself, currently, as a whole is in direct correlation with my more recent experiences in life- and to that effect, my current story began in 2012 – eight years prior to the year this book is written. I was 30 years old.

There is significant scientific evidence that describes the human body undergoing a complete replacement of its cells on a 7- to 10-year cycle. The very cellular makeup of who you are as a person right this very second is vastly different from who you were 7 years ago. It is safe to say that I am not even remotely the same person now than when I was 30 and my entire life as I knew it turned upside down.

In 2012, I owned a home in Florida with an awesome roommate named Jen. We had gone to high school together, and when she decided to “take the plunge” and move to Florida to change her life, I welcomed her with open arms. She was an awesome roommate and remains to be someone I consider a good friend to this day. I was working as an elementary music teacher at a wonderful school and loved my job. I loved the people I worked with, I loved my 280 adorably sweet students, and I loved their parents. My Assistant Principal also happened to have been my freshman roommate in college and working for her was a dream come true. I had everything I could hope for and finally worked somewhere that I was respected and honored as a valued staff member.

All signs would point to a happy life, but deep down I was miserable. 30 and single, 5’4”, 233lbs- the scale refusing to move no matter what I did. My personal life was a complete mess (there was good reason for this that I’ll discuss much later). I was depressed and anxious. Friends upon friends were getting married, having kids, and here I was still stuck in some kind of life limbo. I had everything I wanted, but nothing I really needed. I was lonely and I wanted to find someone who would love me for who I am and treat me the way I deserved. I was tired of being half of a whole. Being “the single one” in my group of friends was aggravating. Nobody ever wanted to hang out... or when they did actually go out, it was as couples- and they never wanted to include me. I get it now- they all had young kids. Who the heck has time to go hang out with your single friends when you’re barely functioning and sleep deprived? Good babysitters are expensive and hard to find. Hindsight is, after all, 20/20. Honestly, I should’ve just offered to babysit my friends’ kids to give them a well-deserved break. At the time, though, I just didn’t get it. Like many unmarried women in their 30’s who’ve never had kids, I was completely clueless to the trials and tribulations of my friends’ married lives, especially those with small children. I faced the reality that we had just grown apart since our college days. Thankfully, I had Jen living with me. Her friendship at this time of my life was what may have saved me from committing suicide several times over. I hid it well.

Dating was another wild animal in and of itself. The older I got, the worse off my options seemed to get. I felt like the only “good men” left out there had all been snatched up and I was digging through the bottom of the reject bin at the Goodwill. I had been pining for one guy for at least 10 years. I had loved him for a really long time, but that feeling went unrequited. Our very weird on-again, off-again relationship had shattered me to the core by this point. The year prior, he had completely stopped talking to me. He cut me off with no warning, and I was heartbroken for a long time after that. Dating was a train wreck. Eventually, I had completely given up on men and was highly considering adopting several more cats and dying alone like a crazy cat lady spinster.

I started watching the Food Network constantly and learned how to cook from the shows I had seen. I was getting good at it! Not TV show competition good or anything, but good enough to enjoy making food… and eating it. The pounds packed on.

What makes a food addict? The same things that make up a drug addict, an alcoholic, a sex addict, or any other type of “addict” you can think of. The American Psychiatric Association defines addiction as “a complex condition, a brain disease that is manifested by compulsive substance use despite harmful consequence. People with addiction (severe substance use disorder) have an intense focus on using a certain substance(s), such as alcohol or drugs, to the point that it takes over their life. They keep using alcohol or a drug even when they know it will cause problems.” (Source: https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/addiction/what-is-addiction)

Food had become my drug of choice. I didn’t care how bad certain foods were for me, how much of it I ate, or what the consequences were. I no longer ate to fuel my body. I emotionally ate solely in order to survive my own declining mental health.

A turning point

The turning point of my life can be narrowed down to a single phone call I received on August 2, 2013. My father was calling to tell me that there was an opening for a teacher at one of the schools in my hometown a few hours away. He wanted to know if I knew anyone interested in the position as he was trying to help his music friends in town find a good candidate for the job. My response: “Yes. Me.”

That phone call came just after I found out that my current principal – a woman whom I highly respected and had made my job an absolute dream - was leaving to take a position at a different school. Now, it has been my experience throughout my career that every time a school where I worked got a new principal, my life would become exponentially more difficult. Just when I would finally get my groove and be happy where I was, someone new inevitably swooped in and changed everything. It always somehow resulted in making things harder for me. Music Education in the public school is funny like that. You either have a principal who respects what you do, or you get one who looks at you as if you’re a glorified babysitter and your only purpose is to give the classroom teachers their break. My current principal was one of the few who respected and valued my work and commitment to expanding our students’ growth. It was never “all about the test scores.” (To this day I will firmly stand by my belief that the Principal and Assistant Principal I worked for at that school were the best school administrators I have ever had the honor to work with.)

Despite the fact that I had a great job, I knew that change would be inevitable - whether I stayed in my current job or followed my gut and took a shot in the dark. This was the perfect opportunity. The idea of leaving my current city was more appealing than ever, considering the lack of “dateable men” and a desire to get far away from the guy who broke my heart. Being closer to my family sealed the deal. After that phone call, I made several calls of my own, applied, and within 4 days I received a call from the principal at that school with the job offer.

Within hours, I had told a very surprised, confused, and probably annoyed roommate (I’m sorry, Jen!) that I had taken a job across the state and would be moving away. I gave her 3 months to find another place to live, and then put my house on the market. I packed up 2 suitcases and 2 even more confused cats- and we made the trek across the state where I moved in with my parents temporarily.

This was the moment my life really started. From this point on, I focused on myself and stopped worrying about whether or not anyone else accepted me for who I was. This was my life, and I intended to start living it. I started exercising (but, of course, no matter what I did I couldn’t lose weight- shocker.) I worked hard to build a successful choral program at that school, rekindled some old friendships (hi, Apple, I miss you!), and I met some really awesome people along the way like Jason and Sile, who will come back into this story a little later.

By December, I had done pretty well. I was still living with my parents, but had just sold my house for a decent little profit and was in the process of buying another one. My choral program was thriving and I felt like things were going well considering it was my first year in a new position. I loved choir, but I was always a band kid so there was a bit of a learning curve. With the help of some wonderful new colleagues, I made it work. Jason hired me on as a part-time teacher for the youth music program at the nonprofit where he is a director, and would let me play clarinet for the organization from time to time. I stayed busy and got into a nice little groove.

At this point, I felt like it was time to start dating again. Maybe now that I was away from all of the negativity of my past I could move on. I was sick of being alone, pining for unavailable men, and I was going to find a good one once and for all. New town, new people- there had to a better chance here than the one I had in Florida, right? The only guy in town I really knew was Jason and, as amazing as he is, he was married and very much off-limits. I also am most definitely not his type, anyway. So… how to meet single men in a small retirement town? Around New Year’s Eve, eHarmony always has one of those “free communication weekends”. I setup my profile and jumped in hoping to find someone who checked off all of the boxes in my head for qualities I was looking for in a partner. A few minutes later I was matched with a handsome looking fellow named Dirk. He was cute- had a professional photo and seemed like he had everything together. He was in his 30’s (check), had a good job as an engineer (check), had never been married (check), and had no kids (check). Did I mention he was handsome? I sent him a wink. We started emailing back and forth on New Year’s Eve. I went to a party that night and drunk-cried to a friend about how I was tired of being lonely. Oops. The next day, I signed up for eHarmony just so I could keep talking to this cute guy from Palm Bay. It may have been the best $22 I ever spent. I didn’t need that membership for more than a few hours. Our first date was 4 days later at a food truck rally. I fell in love with him that night. Best. first date. ever. I was surprised and delighted when I learned that he felt the same way I did.

A week after that, I was at the Statewide Music Educator’s convention back in Florida telling all my old friends about how I had found the man I was going to marry. They thought I had completely lost my mind. Seriously, though - when you know, you know. 2 weeks later, Dirk and I went engagement ring shopping. We found the perfect ring, and he started making payments on it. 6 months later, he proposed to me on the top of a mountain at Banff National Park in the Canadian Rockies. We bought a house together and closed on it the week we got back from that trip. Finally, just one week shy of our one-year dating anniversary, we got married. It was the best day of my life. I had finally found my best friend and my soulmate. Somehow, he still puts up with me, and I love him more every day for it. For the record, I weighed 208lbs on my wedding day.

The whirlwind didn’t stop from there. My Food Network cooking education serves my marriage well. They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, and I love cooking amazing meals for my husband. I went through one phase where I made homemade crème bruleé 3-4x a week. I was constantly experimenting with new recipes I would see done on TV. “Dieting” was not even a thought in my mind. We had become foodies. The better it tasted, the better the experience. By the 5th month of our marriage, I was 244lbs, and a full-on food addict.

…Then I found out I was pregnant.

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